My Nomination for Ironic Recall of the Year

March 25, 2016
Revised Press Release For: "Reliable Drug" Recall of all Compounded Medications Due to a Potential for Mislabeling and Lack of Quality Assurance

Reliable Drug Pharmacy is voluntarily recalling all unexpired lots of compounded products due to concern of lack of quality assurance and potential mislabeling.

It's early in the year but I think we have a winner! ;)

The Safest Way to Make Nearly 20 Times Your Money in Just 2 Years

May 8, 2008
Illusion of Prosperity: Our Pillars of Retail Strength

From the comments:

Either you guys are joking or you like to buy high and sell low. Not my style. Lampert and Sears will prove to be fantastic investments over the next 10 years. Over the next 10 minutes? who knows and who cares? - Anonymous, May 9, 2008

On May 9, 2008, SHLD closed at $70.34 (according to Yahoo, adjusted for dividends and splits). In order for it to be a fantastic investment over 10 years, it should quadruple in price (a roughly 15% per year return).

SHLD currently trades at $14.49.

Don't you see what this means? It is a table pounding screaming bargain right now!

$70.34 x 4 / $14.49 = 19.4

Just look at that upside! Nearly 20 times your money and there's only 2 years left! Woohoo!

If you cannot trust an anonymous heckler of an anonymous sarcastic blogger on the internet to provide you with fantastic investment returns then who can you trust? Cramer? Booyah!

So what are the downside risks? There's gotta be a catch, right? Well, I assure you there are none. This is a sure thing. Can't lose! Don't let the fact that I just made a purchase at Amazon.com from the comfort of my own couch dissuade you, nor should you concern yourself over my Sears store purchase history as seen in a very downwardly spiraling chart. To the best of my knowledge, no such chart even exists! At best, I simply imagine what it must look like! Imagination serves no purpose in the investment world!!

I once imagined what a popping housing bubble would do to our economy. It was nothing like what I expected, other than the sheer panic of financial system instability, of course.

Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack. For what it is worth, THAT'S MY STYLE. It's full of dark sarcasm. ;)

Beat that dead pillar of retail strength horse I say! What can no longer kill it makes it stronger!

Apologies to any Sears employees who are reading this. Deep down, you know you are only here because you fear the worst though, right? Dead chain walking. Sigh.

4 Truly Shocking Sources of Emergency Money!

May 2016
Kiplinger: Best Places to Get Money in an Emergency When You Don't Have an Emergency Fund

1. Home equity.
2. Investments.
3. Credit card.
4. Retirement accounts.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, could have guessed all four. Genius! ;)

How to Ensure You Don't Lose Money This Month

April 4, 2016
MarketWatch: How 8% of investors lost money last month

Well, you just knew I'd have to click on that link. So curious!

What did the losers all have in common? Cash — twice as much allocated to cash (11% vs. 22%) than the winners.

They lost money because they had money? What?

People, you need to take better care of your cash! I highly recommend investing in a large rubber band. You'll thank me later!

wikiHow: How to Create a Gangster Bankroll

Wrap your thick rubber band around your folded money. You may need to twist the rubber band around your bankroll a few times to make sure it's held together tightly. You don't want any loose money to fall out when you take out your bankroll.

In other news, I just heard that a man down the street lost a cheeseburger because, you guessed it, he had three cheeseburgers but only two hands. Why, oh why, didn't he invest in a paper bag? Some people never learn!

Speaking of never learning, why can't I resist click bait? Lost money by having money? And I'm expected to have an epiphany over this? Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

In all seriousness, the investors who lost money last month didn't lose it because their cash positions were too high. They lost it because their non-cash investments did poorly. They should be thankful that they didn't invest even more of their cash in them. Duh!

The Crock of @#$% Report v.033

April 2, 2016
Trump predicts 'very massive recession' in U.S.

Trump vowed in the interview to wipe out the more than $19 trillion national debt "over a period of eight years," helped by a renegotiation of trade deals.

Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha! Stop it! Hahaha! You're killing me! Hahaha! My sides! Hahaha! Splitting! Hahaha! Liquids out my nose! Hahaha! Should not have drunk the Kool-Aid! Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha! The laughter pain! Hahaha! Rolling on hardwood floor! Hahaha! Should have picked room with plush carpeting! Hahaha! Make it stop! Hahaha! Can't catch my breath! Hahaha! Snake oil! Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha!

In all seriousness, it is not possible for the government to eliminate the debt of a 30-year treasury bond in just 8 years without defaulting on the obligation. Bankruptcy? Making America great again? Well, Trump ought to know. Sigh.

No, really. I own long-term treasuries and would love to discuss with Mr. Trump how he plans to magically turn them into short-term treasuries without violating the full faith and credit of the United States government. Last I heard we were not actually running a casino, at least not publicly.

And as for the claim that he could actually eliminate the whopping $19 trillion debt in just 8 years even as we're apparently on the verge of a massive recession, well, oh crap, here it comes again.

Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha! Stop it! Hahaha! You're killing me! Hahaha! Hard to balance a budget during a massive recession much less pay the debt down! Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha! Who would believe this? Hahaha! Damn these hardwood floors! Hahaha! My knees! Hahaha! Can't stop rolling! Hahaha! I should sue! Hahaha! Snake oil! Hahaha!

Forehead! Desk! Whack! Whack! Whack! Hahaha! Ouch! Hahaha!

Kmart's Vision Quest (Musical Tribute)

February 17, 2016
Kmart to Offer Truly Brag-Worthy Deals Through New Sourcing Initiative

With an ongoing vision to make shopping fun again...



Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one

I see you through the smoky air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare?
You're so close but still a world away

Permanently High Plateau

The following chart shows household net worth divided by GDP with two starting points. The first is the 3rd quarter of 2003 and the second is the 3rd quarter of 2011 (exactly 8 years later to line up well with presidential elections and what not).


Click to enlarge.

I have a really good feeling about this! We don't yet have the data for the 4th quarter of 2015 and for the first quarter of 2016, but have no fear. I have projected it forward using the permanently high plateau technique first made famous in 1929! What's the worst that could happen?

There has never been a better time to lock in that permanently high plateau! Buy now or be priced out forever!

This is not investment advice. It's just the sarcastic opinion of a risk-averse retired saver who is skeptical that the future is so bright that he's gotta wear shades. That's all.

As a side note, don't expect more charts any time soon. This one has been on my mind for months and the lousy "sure thing" stock market performance so far this year made it irresistible, lol. Sigh.

Source Data:
St. Louis Fed: Custom Chart

A Cunning NIRP Plan

Ben Bernanke: We need to create a wealth effect. Now! Any ideas?

Sensei Bobo McChuckles: What if we eliminated one of the ways investors/savers could easily increase their wealth?

Ben Bernanke: I suppose we could set short-term interest rates to zero, but what good would that do? How would eliminating one way to easily increase wealth make everyone wealthier?

Sensei Bobo McChuckles: It would convince some to embrace riskier assets more prone to momentum. Momentum is good. As money piles in it would encourage even more money to pile in. It would create a momentum-based virtuous cycle of paper wealth creation!!

Ben Bernanke: Genius! Any risks?

Sensei Bobo McChuckles: Well, there would be some downside if momentum ever started to falter.

Ben Bernanke: How bad could it get?

Sensei Bobo McChuckles: Virtuous bubble cycles depend on ever-increasing confidence. Let's just say that our conversation should never be made public.

Ben Bernanke: It would look bad if the markets knew that I was consulting a clown?

Sensei Bobo McChuckles: Exactly.

Several years pass.

Janet Yellen: We need to create a wealth effect. Now! Any ideas?

Sensei Bobo McChuckles: What if we eliminated one of the ways investors/savers could easily avoid losing money?

Janet Yellen: I suppose we could set short-term interest rates below zero, but what good would that do?

Sensei Bobo McChuckles: I'd explain but I'm actually off to perform at a birthday party in Tokyo for a little girl with big dreams. Dogs! Ponies! Clowns!

Janet Yellen: A Japanese dog and pony and clown show?

Sensei Bobo McChuckles: Exactly. Would you believe that some people actually wonder how I became a Federal Reserve financial consultant?