The Sarcasm Report

Gold, Silver Futures Advance on Outlook for U.S. Equities
``Gold is simply following stocks higher because of the Bush bailout,'' said Leonard Kaplan, president of Prospector Asset Management in Evanston, Illinois.

I have a few really stupid questions to ask so bear with me.

Is there any way that gold is simply higher because of the Bush bailout?

Did we really need "stocks" in there to help connect the dots?

Since gold is a particular precious metal but stocks are actually a collection, wouldn't it make more sense to say the following? Gold (a particular precious metal) is simply following Jones Soda (a particular stock) higher because of the Bush bailout.

Nevermind. I know the answer to that already. Jones Soda actually went down today. That doesn't work.

If that doesn't work, can we at least be consistent?

Precious metals are simply following stocks higher because of the Bush bailout.

I feel so much better now. Let's not stop there though. Let's generalize it even further to put a nail in this coffin and drive the point home (inside joke for the MMI followers).

One group of things are simply following another group of things higher because the Bush bailout props up yet another group of things.

Oh yeah, that one works for me. Fantastic.

By the way, I did say I was a stagflationist. Right? I get all giddy inside when so many things get propped up by our sound fiscal policies. I just know everything's going to be just fine if everything is propped up simultaneously. Heck, how can we lose?