Just Read the Headlines!

Want to be happy? Just read the headlines! Today is a day to rejoice and bask in our newfound optimism!

Jack in the Box profit up

Clearly this is the most important thing to know. Stop reading. Trust me on this.

BANGALORE (Reuters) - Hamburger chain Jack in the Box Inc (JBX.N: Quote, Profile, Research) posted a higher-than-expected quarterly profit as labor and restaurant-operating costs declined, but forecast a 2 percent fall in third-quarter same-store sales as it weathers the U.S. economic downturn, sending its shares down 12 percent.

I tried to warn you. That was the first paragraph. Please tell me you didn't read the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs too. How could you? Look, he's just an analyst. So what if he thought that restaurant stock would outperform. It is unlikely he even owns it, so what's the harm? Get over it. Are you listening to me at all or are you continuing to read the rest of the article? Good grief. Yeah, I know. There's talk of housing downturns, unemployment, and what not. Forget that though. Let's try again. Read the headline and stop there. Please.

Michigan jobless rate declined in April to 6.9 percent

Fantastic news! I'm begging you to stop reading. It is for your own good.

But the underlying news isn't good.

I knew I couldn't stop you. There's no point indulging in the misery though. Stop reading now while there is still time.

The rate dropped mainly because Michigan's civilian labor force is shrinking and included about 15,000 fewer people overall last month than in March. About 2,000 fewer people were employed last month.

What's it going to take to entice you to stop reading? I can't do $600 rebate checks to alter your behavior. How about an article on drugs? Is that what you want? Please read the following article. Reverse psychology? Why do you ask? Look, I'll do anything it takes. Throw me a bone here!

More Americans are taking prescription medications

TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — For the first time, it appears that more than half of all insured Americans are taking prescription medicines regularly for chronic health problems, a study shows.

Let's assume our quality of life is much better now. What do you say? Are you with me on this? Stop reading. Why are you still reading? I'm begging you to stop.

Experts say the data reflect not just worsening public health but better medicines for chronic conditions and more aggressive treatment by doctors.

Forget the health part. Better medicines and aggressive treatment sounds great. Right? So just stop! There's no point in reading more.

"Unless we do things to change the way we're managing health in this country ... things will get worse instead of getting better," predicted Jones, a heart specialist and dean of the University of Mississippi's medical school.

Good grief. Stop already. This is absolutely your last chance. For the love of all that is holy, please just read the following headline and walk away.

No Housing Bubble Trouble

What could possibly go wrong with a headline like that? You'll feel so much better if you stop reading right now. It sure makes me feel better anyway. Just leave it be. Enjoy the rest of your day. I know I'm just an anonymous blogger. You have every reason not to trust me. As you may notice, I'm even rambling in an attempt to distract you. However, I'm asking for your trust here. There's no point taking the risk and so far the odds aren't looking all that good. Something is bound to go wrong if you keep reading. In fact, it is bound to go horribly wrong. Right? So stop here! Nobody will think any less of you.

This article originally appeared in the Washington Times on January 9, 2005.

Yeah, it's always something, isn't it? This article is old. You are probably going to read all of it, aren't you? What a glutton for punishment you are! Clearly there is nothing I can do to stop you.

Let me know when you get to the "At the national level, what could possibly kick national home prices downstairs?" part. Of course, you'll have to get past the "Although the overworked analogy between housing and tech stocks sounds dramatic, it is quite preposterous." part to see it. I'm a believer in you though. You've already proven you have quite the stomach.

Humor can be one of our best survival tools. - Allen Klein