The Sarcasm Report v.179 (Musical Tribute)

October 14, 2013
Macy's to open on Thanksgiving for the first time

I'm in Macy's at least once a week telling them that they better @#$%ing well have those doors open by 8pm on Thanksgiving Day if they know what's good for them. @#$% their workers! If I'm there, then they @#$%ing need to be there too!

The department store chain cited increasing demand from shoppers for the earlier opening.

Excellent! I also gave them a serious ultimatum that I wasn't going to buy a @#$ @#$% @#$%ing thing unless they kept those @#$%ing doors open for at least 24 hours. I was extremely polite about it I assure you, although I did have a few choice words for the store manager.

In a release issued late Monday, the Cincinnati-based chain said it will open its doors at 8 p.m. on that day and will remain open for 24 hours straight until the close of business on Friday, which is usually about 10 p.m.

Excellent. It's nice to see Corporate America bend to the will of the people for a change. This is no time to be @#$%ing around with my holiday season. I want to go from my dinner table directly to their cash register. Sleep's for @#$%ing losers! It's the only way I can enjoy all that the holiday season has to offer. It starts with the slow digestion of the turkey dinner and ends with an all-night shopping spree. There's just no @#$%ing way I can @#$%ing wait until Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful. They should be @#$%ing thankful that they are giving me exactly what I repeatedly demanded.

Don't just assume that all the @#$% within this post is profanity. This is a sarcasm report. It can be whatever you want it to be. It might even be references to Candy Mountain goodness. Who knows! ;)