Seattle's New 10-Year Plan to End Homelessness

July 27, 2015
More homeless people camping under Seattle's freeways

Sola Plumacher with the Department of Human Services in Seattle says homelessness has increased 21 percent this year over last.

21 percent? Tent and sleeping bag investors must be making out like bandits! No wonder the economy is booming!

It seems like things have gotten worse, not better since the city launched its 10-year effort to end homelessness in 2005.

The old plan probably involved crashing the housing market so that homes would become more affordable to all. If so, it was a good plan, especially with the starting point being the peak of the housing bubble. Unfortunately, the plan had some minor unintended consequences though. Who knew jobs would fall with housing prices?

This anonymous blogger has just discovered a new 10-year plan that the city is considering. I managed to get my hands on a secret document emailed from one city planner to another. It includes the following copy of a proposed advertisement suitable for all Minnesota newspapers.

Attention All Dentists:

Is the thrill of hunting lions not as strong as it once was? Looking to up your game in a safe environment free from judging eyes? Then please consider Seattle! Starting August 1st, we are adding a "big game" designation to our growing homeless population in the hopes of attracting expert hunters with strong dentistry backgrounds to help cull our herd.

No permits needed! No drudging through jungles or walking endlessly over plains required. Our big game is located within just a few feet of convenient freeway off ramps! It will be like shooting fish in a barrel! It just doesn't get any more sporting than that!

Do you have what it takes? Will you shoot anything that moves? Even the ones with tracking collars? Will you sever their heads, extract their teeth, and scan them so that we can identify them through their dental records. We need that information to notify their next of kin and bill them for services rendered.

Please consider Seattle for your next wildlife expedition! You won't be disappointed and near as we can tell, it will all be perfectly legal! Maybe! Just be sure to hunt only at night and silently slip away if there's trouble. We do not want a repeat of any recent African adventures. A good hunter must understand the meaning of patience.

Shame on me! Bad Mark! Bad! Bad!