The Black Eyed Investment Retirement Guide

1. I don't want to touch that junk, all that junk inside the trunk. There's a reason it's called non-investment grade and there's a reason dead junkies tend to end up in trunks.

2. I don't want to be spendin' all my money on me, up on me, or anywhere near me. I'd really like to have a safety buffer in case I live too long.

3. I don't want to be made, made, made, made to scream. Made to scream, made to scream. I'd rather sleep better each night. Life's too short to always be worried about my retirement nest egg.

4. I don't want no drama. No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama. When it comes to investing, drama is a euphemism for s%^t hitting the fan. Way too much drama in the last week. No thanks. I continue to pass, regardless of what riskier assets do or don't do from here.

5. I don't want to be made, made, made, made to work. Made to work, work, made to work. The thought of being a WalMart greeter at the age of 85 because I lost my nest egg gambling on supposed "sure things" is more than a bit depressing to me. Further, I might not even get the job! There are no sure things!

Better hope most other retirees don't start thinking like I do. It's a heck of a lot easier selling stocks to others before the others are trying to do it too. I can offer a ray of hope though. You need never worry about me selling stocks. I haven't owned any for 11 years. No complaints.

This is not investment advice, certainly nothing that anyone should spend money on. You know it can't be because I have offered no professional charts showing past performance of ideal "sure thing" investments presented on slick high gloss paper with fees shown in conveniently fine print.