Sunday, January 11, 2009

Maximizing the Spray of Juice Out One's Nose (A Recipe)

iShares Lehman TIPS Bond (ETF) (TIP)

Top Bear Pitch

It's a bond fund. Long term, it will not outperform the S&P short of some very drastic problems in the US economy. - SleazyD, Submitted April 28, 2008

Step 1

Drink 6 ounces of juice but do not swallow it. If you can already see where this is going and/or the name of the poster is creating giggles, then you may be tempted to spray right now. However, for maximum effect you must hold the juice in. Do not spray, yet.

Step 2

Look at the chart within the link comparing TIP vs. the S&P. Look specifically to the period starting around April 28, 2008. At this point, there should be a serious tickling sensation in your nose and it may become harder to breathe. It will be very difficult, but you must continue to hold the juice in your mouth. Swallowing the juice should be virtually impossible now, so at least you've got that going for you.

Step 3

Contemplate "some very drastic problems in the US economy" going all the way back to 2000. On the way there, visit early 2005 (the peak of the housing bubble) and December of 2007 (the official start date of this recession). Picture trillion dollar (funny money) deficits going forward. Attempt to hold the juice in for at least ten more seconds while your shoulders twitch uncontrollably. This will maximize its eventual escape velocity.

Step 4

Release the juice! At this point, it should have a mind of its own. All you need to do is simply relax. Stop fighting it. It will know exactly where to go. Let it do all the work.

Step 5 (Optional)

Use a tissue to clean the juice off of your monitor. If you have been a long-term reader of this blog, you may already have vast hoards of tissue in reserve. As toilet paper (a top pick of this blog since inception) continues to outperform both TIP and the S&P 500, feel free to tap some of those illusionary profits! You've earned it. Well done!

2 comments:

  1. Stag,

    I've never been a big believer in the predictive power of stock charts. Especially the the bull and bear market wedges that can be expected to break up OR down. But lately, I've noticed some very interesting patterns.

    Take the Dow for instance. Since 1997, we've had two multi-year "upward bows" with numerous intermediate "downward facing dogs" each followed by a "cobra."

    This has all led to a decade long "Paschimottanasana" (stretching of the west).

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoga_positions

    BTW, I wish you would have let me know you were going to Tibet. That dude owes me money!

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  2. mab,

    LOL! I had no idea that good technical analysis was based on Yoga. All this time I thought it was based on Yogi!

    In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. - Yogi Berra

    Things are never quite as simple as they look on a chart though. That's why I favor complex mathematical models.

    Long-Term Capital Management
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long-term_capital_management

    The company used complex mathematical models to take advantage of fixed income arbitrage deals (termed convergence trades) usually with U.S., Japanese, and European government bonds.

    My model is much better. Not only do I account for butterfly wing flapping in South America, but I also track the economic output of Tibetan Buddhist monks.

    Of course that dude owes you money. Were you aware that he's investing your money in miracle heat technology? It's all included in my complex mathematical model of course. Apparently there is a device that can somehow miraculously convert electricity directly into heat.

    Amish Fireplace
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xQtEmISMhQ

    ...it has earned the coveted UL listing...

    Good frickin' grief.

    Just Wondering asked the question; Do the Heat Surge Fireless Flame heaters that the Amish sell really work?
    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071129184202AAQF5w3

    Oh yeah, they work. They work just like every other electric heater. You take the much coveted UL listed plug and insert it into the much coveted electric socket in your home's wall. Presto! Magico!

    Amish Fireplace
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-1njP9M1BM

    Power Unit Made In China

    Who could have guessed that? Those Amish! What will they think up next?

    ReplyDelete