Maximizing the Spray of Juice Out One's Nose (A Recipe)

iShares Lehman TIPS Bond (ETF) (TIP)

Top Bear Pitch

It's a bond fund. Long term, it will not outperform the S&P short of some very drastic problems in the US economy. - SleazyD, Submitted April 28, 2008

Step 1

Drink 6 ounces of juice but do not swallow it. If you can already see where this is going and/or the name of the poster is creating giggles, then you may be tempted to spray right now. However, for maximum effect you must hold the juice in. Do not spray, yet.

Step 2

Look at the chart within the link comparing TIP vs. the S&P. Look specifically to the period starting around April 28, 2008. At this point, there should be a serious tickling sensation in your nose and it may become harder to breathe. It will be very difficult, but you must continue to hold the juice in your mouth. Swallowing the juice should be virtually impossible now, so at least you've got that going for you.

Step 3

Contemplate "some very drastic problems in the US economy" going all the way back to 2000. On the way there, visit early 2005 (the peak of the housing bubble) and December of 2007 (the official start date of this recession). Picture trillion dollar (funny money) deficits going forward. Attempt to hold the juice in for at least ten more seconds while your shoulders twitch uncontrollably. This will maximize its eventual escape velocity.

Step 4

Release the juice! At this point, it should have a mind of its own. All you need to do is simply relax. Stop fighting it. It will know exactly where to go. Let it do all the work.

Step 5 (Optional)

Use a tissue to clean the juice off of your monitor. If you have been a long-term reader of this blog, you may already have vast hoards of tissue in reserve. As toilet paper (a top pick of this blog since inception) continues to outperform both TIP and the S&P 500, feel free to tap some of those illusionary profits! You've earned it. Well done!