Barclay's Redundancy Program

July 20, 2015
Barclays plans to cut more than 30,000 jobs: The Times

This redundancy program, which could reduce the bank's global workforce below 100,000 by 2017 end, is considered as the only way to address the bank's chronic underperformance and double its share price, the newspaper said, citing senior sources.

As heard over the company's loudspeaker:

Attention employees. Our department of redundancy department has implemented a redundancy program intended to reduce the redundancy of any and all redundant employees.

If you meet our department of redundancy department's criteria for redundancy then you have been deemed redundant. You, as a redundant employee, will be contacted shortly through email, text message, voice mail, and first class letter by the department of redundancy department's automated redundancy program's program. The message will direct you to the department of redundancy department's special apology hotline. As a previously valuable yet currently redundant employee, the department of redundancy department's redundancy program's programmed apology hotline provides a nearly infinite number of computer generated apologies customized just for you.

If you do not meet our department of redundancy department's criteria for redundancy then you are invited to join us tomorrow for an all day reorientation meeting provided by our backup department of redundancy department. The backup department of redundancy department's redundancy program will match employees with nearly identical skill sets and place you in new two-person teams of two. One employee will be designated "the primary" and the other will be designated "the secondary". This reduction in redundancy will allow our company to prosper well into the distant future.

This message will repeat hourly until further notice. Copies of this message can be found in the lobby. Thank you and have a great day. Have a great day. Thank you.