A Cunning Plan to Earn 9% Returns

August 28, 2015
Where you can get 9% returns outside of stocks

1. Since 2009, average net annual returns for investors who lent money through Lending Club and Prosper Marketplace, two of the largest peer-to-peer lending platforms for consumers in the U.S., have ranged from 5 percent for its most creditworthy borrowers to to 9 percent for its subprime borrowers.

2. Borrowers receive money directly from investors, both individual and institutional, while online marketplaces, such as Lending Club and Prosper, take a fee from issuing the loan. Both Lending Club and Prosper charge investors a 1 percent annual fee.

The Cunning Plan

1. Create list of the most subprime borrowers.
2. Call psychic hotline to weed out the riskiest.
3. Lend them the money.
4. Call Janet Yellen. Tell her to end the business cycle and prevent all future recessions.
5. Summon Lucifer.
6. Sell soul. Sign contract in blood.
7. Perform human sacrifices to guarantee timely interest payments.
8. Use portion of interest payments to pay the 1% annual fee.
9. Summon Lucifer again.
10. Use portion of interest payments to buy back soul. (This may require tricking him.)
11. Repeat.

Easy 9% returns lending to subprime borrowers, baby. That's what I'm talking about.