Tesla’s Auto Pileup Feature

August 30, 2021
CNN: Another Tesla reportedly using Autopilot hits a parked police car

The broken-down car was a Mercedes that had come to a stop in a travel lane. The police cruiser was stopped behind it with its emergency lights flashing. The left front of the Tesla Model 3 crashed into the side of the police car, and then hit the Mercedes.

That darn car! What kooky crime caper will it think up next?

Scams Likely

The following is a list of the recent incoming phone calls on my cell phone.

You would need to be quite the optimist to think the call from Haiti wasn't also a scam. They left a long message trying to convince me otherwise, but their warning that I have not yet renewed my car's extended warranty is something that I've been aware of for several decades. The car was purchased new in 1996.

Last year, Jim Chanos called this the golden age of fraud. Thanks in part to the easy money policies of the Fed and the new and improved speculative nature of the markets, I suspect that we've reached the platinum level. Hopes and dreams with smoke and mirrors? Be careful out there. I doubt history will be kind to those thinking there's never been a better time to swing for the fences.

My Personal Cynicism Level Trending Higher

First, allow me to offer a free interview tip.

When trying to land that perfect police job, try not to confess to any serious crimes. Always keep in mind that you have the right to remain silent.

March 14, 2017
Man confesses to date rape during police job interview, lands in jail instead

A West Virginia man mistakenly confessed to a date rape while interviewing for a probation officer job in South Charleston and is now facing sexual assault charges.

They say that we can become more cynical as we age. Now we know why. A younger, more naive version of me, might have expected this man to help pay for my Social Security. The older, wiser version of me, realizes that I may need to help pay for his incarceration.

P.S. Don't even get me started on Trumpcare.

The Era of Compromise

January 26, 2011
CBS News: There's No Such Thing as a Compromise in Business

There's something about the word "compromise" that irks me. Many people say, "If everyone just compromised, we'd all be better off."

I don't think so.

Oh, please. We'd definitely be better off if we all compromise.

December 14, 2016
One Billion Compromised Accounts Doesn't Look Good, Yahoo

Yahoo announced that it experienced another hack, separate from the 500 million accounts that were compromised in a 2014 security breach that it reported in September of this year.

A billion users can't be wrong! Compromise for the win! Woohoo! Yahoo!

The Sarcasm Report v.268

November 22, 2016
Bloomberg: No Evidence of Aloe Vera Found in the Aloe Vera at Wal-Mart, CVS

The aloe vera gel many Americans buy to soothe damaged skin contains no evidence of aloe vera at all.

One needs faith to detect aloe vera! Shun the nonbelievers!

In all seriousness sarcasticness, this is America. Expect to see long prison sentences for those responsible for the corporate fraud! Woohoo!

The Sarcasm Report v.266

November 14, 2016
Bloomberg: Can $300 Billion Make Companies Behave?

Actually, the right question might be why, despite the advent of multi-billion-dollar penalties, companies keep breaking the law.

It continues to remain a great mystery.

If caught breaking the law, then the fines are evenly distributed to all owners of the company. Who are the owners? You know, they are the pension funds and index funds of honest, hardworking Americans.

If not caught breaking the law, then the biggest winners are those who hold leveraged stock options. Small changes in stock prices can offer enormous gains to these lucky holders. Who owns stock options? You know, they are the dishonest top executives of fraud-embracing corporations.

Why doesn't this system stop criminal activity? Who knows! There is something that could be tried though, with a very modest change to the existing system. What if jail time was imposed? Sounds pretty crazy, right? Hear me out.

I propose that if a top executive is caught breaking the law, then the jail time could be evenly distributed to all owners of the company. Let's all do our part to end the criminal activity! Rather than a top executive doing time for 20 years, simply have each honest, hardworking American stock owner do a few minutes of jail time!

If that won't stop the crime dead in its tracks, then nothing will. Certainly worth a shot!

It has been a while since I felt the need to ask the following question. Too much sarcasm? Seems excessive, almost criminal.

Quote of the Day

We think everyone here is a risk manager. Whether it’s your official title or not, everything we do is a part of that.

- Former Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf, November 6, 2015

Wells Fargo Quote of the Day

July 24, 2015
U.S. News: Why Wells Fargo Is the Best Bank Stock Today

WFC avoids controversy and pays investors handsomely – and now it’s the world's most valuable bank.

Hahaha! WFC avoids controversy! Surely that is the quote of the day! No?

If you opened up a Wells Fargo (ticker: WFC) checking account with $5,000 a year ago, you made somewhere in the neighborhood of 0.01 percent annual percentage yield. But if you invested that same amount in Wells Fargo stock, then boom – you made yourself more than $640, or close to 13 percent on your money.

Hahaha! And if you continued to hold that $5,640 in WFC stock until today, it would now be worth $4,681 (adjusted for dividends). Where did that missing $319 go? Surely that is the quote of the day! No?

Meanwhile, Wells Fargo stock has proven steady (with a few dips here and there) going back to third quarter of 2009 – and more than doubling since.

Hahaha! Proven steady? That's gotta be the quote of the day! Right? No?

Pragnya Pattnaik, senior analyst at The Edge Consulting Group, says that Wells Fargo "has managed to perform better than most of its peers primarily through gains in market share, lower equity capital requirements and expanding relationships through cross-selling."

Hahaha! Expanding relationships through cross-selling! Quote of the day! Am I right or am I right? No?

I give up. What's the quote of the day? Does it involve a musical tribute?

While Wells Fargo investors should always watch out for changes in key indicators, including slowdowns on the mortgage banking and earnings growth side, the future has only clear skies ahead for WFC stock, Pattnaik says.

Hahaha! Other than the widespread cross-selling fraud and the "retirement" of CEO John Stumpf, the future has only clear skies ahead! Yes! Woohoo!

Wells Fargo Fined Again

September 27, 2016
U.S. says Wells Fargo to pay $400,000 to settle charges over swaps

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Wells Fargo Bank has settled federal charges over inaccurate large trader reports for physical commodity swaps positions...

Harsh words and a fine equaling a whopping 0.000176% of Wells Fargo's market cap ($400k / $227b) will once and for all teach senior executives that crime doesn't pay.

It's the nanoscale straw that will break the adamantium camel's back.

Heads will rofl. They always have a scapegoal in place for these types of miner emergencies.



One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip: he was having dinner with his wife, and he meant to say "pass the salt", but instead he said "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew." — Niles Crane, Frasier

I Propose September to Be National Steal a Penny from Our Bank Accounts Month

A penny is just a drop in the bucket for the average account holder, but all those pennies could add up to millions of dollars. The money could then be used to enhance the banking system's bottom line and/or increase the bonuses of top banking executives. It's a very noble cause. Trust me on this.

September 22, 2016
CNBC:Stop beating up on Wells Fargo and John Stumpf

Consider the fact that the fake accounts generated $2.6 million in fees over a four-year period. That is a drop in the bucket (0.011 percent to be precise) compared to Wells Fargo's annual net income of $23 billion.

Sorry. The sarcastic beatings will continue until the morale improves fraud is removed.

Word of the Day

September 13, 2016
Business Insider: It keeps getting worse for Wells Fargo

The thinking is that targeted goals for opening accounts and generating fees lead employees to cur corners and open the account fradualently.

When a lender's fraud is "twice" as bad as it seems?

Fradualent!

Fraudulent slip, lack of spell checking, and/or silly puns? You make the call! ;)

The Sarcasm Report v.259

September 13, 2016
Lew: Wells Fargo case a 'wake-up call' for regulation

From the comments:

Nobody suffered financial loss. All fees that "may" have been charged were reversed. $285 million in fines were paid. What the heck do you want, blood? - shaunm

Emphasis added.

If a bank employee steals money from you but then offers to give it back once caught, then you have not suffered a financial loss. No harm, no foul. No jail time needed.

Similarly, if you steal money from from a bank employee but then see the police pulling out up front, simply return the money and exit the bank. No harm, no foul. No jail time needed.

Further, if you kidnap someone but then release them and return the ransom if the police show up, then there's been no crime. Chances are your "victim" even got some free food and temporary lodging out of the deal. Unfortunately, nobody will be reimbursing you for those expenses. Where's the justice?

Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

Warren Buffett's Wells Fargo

May 21, 2016
The Motley Fool: 5 Warren Buffett Quotes About Wells Fargo

The real insight you get about a banker is how they bank. You've got to see what they do and what they don't do. Their speeches don't make any difference. It's what they do and what they don't do. And what Wells Fargo didn't do is what defines their greatness. - Warren Buffett

Hey, Warren. Here's something my bank didn't do.

September 8, 2016
USA Today: Wells Fargo fined $185M over unauthorized accounts

"Wells Fargo built an incentive-compensation program that made it possible for its employees to pursue underhanded sales practices, and it appears that the bank did not monitor the program carefully," said CFPB Director Richard Cordray. "Thousands of bank employees found ways to game the system by secretly signing up existing clients for new services that were never requested. They misused consumer names and personal information to create new checking and credit card accounts to inflate their sales figures to meet their sales targets and claim higher bonuses."

Congratulations to Wells Fargo. Your fraud and theft actually enticed me to post. I now exit stage left, back into the shadows. Who knows what will prompt me to post again? Jail time for all the criminals involved? Yeah, right. Hahaha! Sigh.

Amazon: With Great Power Comes Little Responsibility

July 20, 2016
Birkenstock quits Amazon in US after counterfeit surge

For example, Amazon commingles inventory from distributors at its fulfillment centers, so authentic products and fakes can get mixed together.

Amazon better get a handle on the counterfeit problem. Commingling is definitely not the solution.

I recently paid full price for two Playstation 3 controllers to replace ones that failed (due to excessive use as a gamer). I wanted to buy on Amazon for the convenience and the better price but did not trust the product they are selling.

Amazon: PlayStation 3 Dualshock 3 Wireless Controller (Black)

Although it averages 4 stars, take a look at the 13% who rated it 1 star (which I always read before making a purchase). There is a common theme.

Be wary of fakes!!

I've taken apart both this controller and a genuine Dualshock 3 controller, and the innards are vastly different as well.

Meanwhile, over at Best Buy...

Best Buy: Sony - DualShock 3 Wireless Controller for PlayStation 3 - Black

98% of customers recommend this product.

Best Buy won that round, at least for me, even at the higher price point. I was willing to drive somewhat out of my way to pick up in person. I've been using the controllers for a few days. No complaints so far.

This is how it starts. Ask Chipotle. Once trust is lost, it can be very difficult to get it back. I can't speak for others, but my trust is clearly fading.

Does Amazon's return policy solve the problem? Not exactly. First, it's annoying to have to return stuff. Second, Amazon may close your account if you return too much stuff. If the counterfeit problem continues to grow then things will certainly get interesting.

This is not the first time I've written about counterfeiting, and it won't be the last. Still haunted by my experience as a research assistant in college.

February 21, 2011
Counterfeit Wealth

Somebody, somewhere, is driving a car with at least one engine mount bolt made out of lead. I truly believe that.

I offer this story as a warning to those buying precious metals. If engine mount bolts can be faked, then anything can. To this day, I would not be able to tell the difference between the bolts without testing them. That's how good the fakes were.

Legalized Gambling in Our "Casino Nation"

June 29, 2016
NHL is coming to Las Vegas because America is now a casino nation

In 1950, America was waking up to the problem of organized crime. U.S. Attorney General J. Howard McGrath convened a conference, primarily of big-city mayors, to discuss the root causes of the rackets (the word "mafia" had not yet entered the popular lexicon). Gambling, he said, was a fundamental nuisance in a country that was fundamentally opposed to the practice.

That was then, this is now.

Today, Attorney General Loretta E. Lynch would have to concede that the basic public policy of the United States is pro-gambling. All but six states run lotteries, taking in nearly $74 billion last year. Every National Football League team plays in a stadium in which gambling is as close as the nearest convenience store.

November 20, 2015
Man begs for money after risky bet implodes

Talk about a nightmare trade.

Joe Campbell had $37,000 in his online brokerage account when he went to bed on Wednesday night. By the time he woke up, not only had all that money vanished, but the amateur trader actually owed ETrade more than $100,000.

Gamble $37,000 on Wall Street. Lose $137,000. Owe $100,000. It's all perfectly legal.

June 20, 2016
Jupiter bar owner charged with running illegal gambling operation

An undercover agent won $15.

Illegal gambling! Alert the authorities!

Chicago: Good News, Bad News, and Mixed News

First, the bad news:

May 30, 2016
Chicago Tribune: Memorial Day weekend violence adds to a violent May in Chicago

By Monday afternoon, the tally of those shot in Chicago this year was at least 1,492, according to data compiled by the Tribune, with at least 250 killed. By this time last year, 957 had been shot, with 164 killed.

Now, the good news:

Out of the 7.4 billion people on this planet, only 2.7 million live in Chicago. That's only 0.036%.

Hey, I just work with what I've got. I'm not a good news miracle worker.

And lastly, the mixed news:

March 25, 2016
Chicago Tribune: Chicago area sees greatest population loss of any major U.S. city, region in 2015

The potential fallout is both political and financial. Federal and state government dollars are often distributed to local government agencies based on population; so the population loss creates long-term budget concerns. Communities pouring millions into new roads and schools, for example, based on rosy projections of future growth are left with fewer taxpayers to cover the cost.

I know what you must be thinking. This looks like awful news. How can it possibly be considered mixed? Well, those who left really dodged a bullet!



Bad Mark. Bad. Bad. Sigh.

Sincere apologies to those who live in the Chicago area. :(

Wall Street's Toughest Test

May 30, 2016
170,000 people are about to take Wall Street's toughest test

Ethical and professional standards are heavily tested at all three levels of the exam. CFA charterholders are required to adhere to a strict code of ethics that touches upon every aspect of their professional lives or face seeing their charters revoked. In recent years, ethics have come to the forefront, particularly after the financial crisis. Clients, employers, the capital markets, and the investing public are assured their interests take priority for the CFA charterholder.

Question 1: Would you ever lie on an ethics test?

Question 2: If you just lied on this ethics test, do you at least feel any remorse?

Question 3: Place your teardrop in the box. Did you force it or did it come naturally?

Question 4: You have stumbled upon a financial memo which implicates you in widespread company accounting fraud. After disposing of the whistleblower's body in a remote location, what do you do with the original document and all supporting documentation?

Question 5: As you contemplated the answer to the last question, were you laughing or crying?



Ethics, so easy that even a baby can pretend to have it. ;)

The Phone Number Blocking Whack-A-Mole Game

One of my telemarketer opponents is being amazingly persistent.

01. 425-260-2220. Blocked!
02. 425-260-1188. Blocked!
03. 425-260-9271. Blocked!
04. 425-260-9080. Blocked!
05. 425-260-3654. Blocked!
06. 425-260-1694. Blocked!
07. 425-260-3163. Blocked!
08. 425-260-5149. Blocked!
09. 425-260-9714. Blocked!
10. 425-260-1492. Blocked!
11. 425-260-1873. Blocked!
12. 425-260-6142. Blocked!
13. 425-260-1252. Blocked!
14. 425-260-5358. Blocked!

You are a worthy adversary, my friend. Time is not on your side though. You can only leave 9,986 more useless 15-second voicemails on my mobile phone! I shall prevail!

I have never given my mobile phone number out to anyone other than friends and family. I have not placed it on the useless Do-Not-Call list, nor should I have to.

Wireless Phones and the National Do-Not-Call List

For example, it is unlawful for any person to make any call (other than a call made for emergency purposes or made with express prior consent) using any automatic telephone dialing system or any artificial or prerecorded voice message to wireless numbers. This law applies regardless of whether the number is listed on the national Do-Not-Call list.

Is it any wonder Congress has such a low approval rating? Just wait until we run out of phone numbers because the criminal telemarketers have gobbled them all up.

Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

The Sweet Spots for the Global Economy

May 26, 2016
Wall Street Journal: Oil Prices Poised to Hit Sweet Spot for Global Economy

Range of $50 to $60 a barrel represents ‘goldilocks’ scenario for consumers, industry and the oil industry alike

What's the sweet spot for illicit drugs?

June 30, 2005
UN report puts world's illicit drug trade at estimated $321b

Annualized  worldwide illegal drug sales are greater than the gross domestic product of 88 percent of the countries in the world...

Just look at that GDP!

The bulk of the money, $214 billion, was made at the retail level; drugs sold in streets and back alleys.

Most investors love to see a good retail sales report. There is no reason our streets and back alleys can't become the envy of the world, more so than they already are.

Most of the buying was in North America, with 44 percent of all estimated sales, followed by Europe with 33 percent.

Looks like we're already in the sweet spot. That's fantastic! Now we just need to work on the other sweet spots.

Coal? It's too expensive. Nobody will be driving coal powered cars until the prices come down.

Nuclear weapons? Shouldn't cost more than a suitcase if we want consumers to buy and use them.

Human trafficking? Life is priceless. So what, maybe $15 per hour?

In all seriousness, Americans are driving 3.2 trillion miles per year in total. How much is enough?

Treasury Bills Are Like a Best Buy! Duh!

I apologize. The headline is a bit misleading.

Best Buy released their earnings report today. The market's reaction was of the not good variety, which is something the more savvy Best Buy investors have grown to expect.

What do I mean? Well, investors who bought Best Buy stock 7 years ago (May 26, 2009) and held until today, have seen their investment grow roughly 0.4% in total (adjusted for dividends and splits). Oddly enough, this is similar to what short-term savers have earned in 3-month treasury bills over that period.

Risk vs. reward, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Surprisingly, some aggressive risk-takers did make out like bandits loading up on Best Buy's stock yesterday though. That is, their stock of electronics.

May 23, 2016
Masked thieves tunnel their way into Hoover Best Buy, steal $100,000 in electronics

Rector said there have been similar attacks on Best Buy stores in Florida, Georgia and Texas. "We're pretty sure they're related,'' Rector said. "It's pretty big."



Thank you. Thank you very much. You've been a great audience. I'll be performing here all week. Sigh.