My Advice for Janet Yellen

May 6, 2015
The Onion: Prescription Label Recommends Just Taking More And More Until Something Kicks In

“Take two tablets by mouth and then just keep on throwing them back until you can really feel something,” reads the label adhered to the pill bottle, which further suggests that users might as well dump out as many 2 mg caplets as can fit into their palm and “pop ’em all in there” if nothing really hits them after the first dose.

This same prescription also works for an ailing economy. My advice is therefore to keep doing more of the same. Keep prescribing those ZIRP pills! Never stop!

Look, even if we do manage to temporarily stop taking the pills, we all know what will happen when the next recession hits. Every addict understands what withdrawal can do. Relapses are common. So why even go there?

Just say no to taper tantrums and rate hike tantrums! It's all good. Give the markets what they crave most! A steady and predictable overdose of monetary policy medication can do no harm! It's common knowledge!

Oh, and more cowbell! This economy can never have too much cowbell. Pretty much goes without saying, of course.