The Sarcasm Report v.25

Moving Targets

Investors expect their conservative target-date funds to protect their assets as they approach retirement.

Investors expect their conservative target-date funds to protect their assets?

So with 2010 funds—the first group of target-date funds—approaching their end dates, it's surprising to learn how poorly these funds performed in 2008. Losses at the four largest 2010 funds in 2008 through mid-December ranged from 23% to 33%.

It's surprising to learn how poorly these funds performed?

For workers expecting to retire soon, though, target-date funds haven't met Congressional expectations.

Haven't met Congressional expectations?

"An investor looking at a target-date fund for wealth preservation may have been disappointed," says Michael Herbst, an analyst at Morningstar.

May have been disappointed? May have?

What? You question my work ethic? Look, this is top-notch sarcasm. I did more than simply regurgitate quotes and add a question mark. Monkeys could not have done what I did. They would have no doubt picked different parts of the article to single out. Go ahead. Tell your supposedly trained monkeys to pick a sentence, any sentence. I dare you.

Despite the recent carnage, target-date funds are standing fast.

Damn those monkeys!

Contrary to popular opinion, I offered some serious sarcasm here. Please believe me. I wish you could have seen it in person. My eyes were rolling all over the place. Once the funds didn't meet Congressional expectations, it was all I could do to just keep them in their sockets.