Advice for Retirees

1. Crystal Meth. Although I have never tried it nor have any desire to try it, some people seem to love it. I've heard that it can mess you up for life, but let's face reality here. As a retiree, there probably isn't all that much life left to get messed up. No better time than the present to take a few risks.

2. Downsizing. Many advisors might suggest that moving to a smaller house will save you money. While true, there's absolutely no need to do this. Instead, find a house of roughly the same size in a much higher crime area. Think of the money you'll save on property taxes and upkeep! A fully neglected house will deteriorate at a slower pace from here. Look for one of those! As an added bonus, you'll be located much closer to the crystal meth. That will save on transportation costs.

3. Fire insurance. Drop it. If you are like me, you've never seen your house burn. Only the houses of others burn (especially those manufacturing crystal meth). So why pay insurance for an event that probably won't happen? Take a few risks I say.

4. Dream vacation. Use the money saved so far to live a little. Take that dream vacation to Vegas you've always wanted. Don't worry about your house while you are gone. Just ask your local meth dealer to keep an eye on it. He's just out there standing around anyway. I'm sure he'd appreciate a few extra dollars of tip income. Hey, maybe you can even cut him and his buddies in on some of your winnings when you get back.

5. Margin debt. It can really enhance your returns in retirement. You'd be foolish not to do it. I mean really, you've already started taking crystal meth, moved to a high crime area, dropped the fire insurance, and are taking dream vacations in Vegas. Why stop the risk taking now? I am not alone in my thinking.

March 27, 2015
Forbes: Should Retirees Seeking Income Go Into Debt?

What’s controversial is Anderson’s notion that the couple should not strive to pay off that mortgage. He’d be happy to see them leave behind an unpaid balance (and appreciated real estate) to their heirs. Still more contentious is his suggestion that they should finance their retirement in part by running up margin debt on their stocks and bonds.

This is not investment advice. It is actually heavy sarcasm. I know that sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference.