The Sarcasm Report v.240

September 3, 2015
CNBC: 4 mistakes that could ruin your retirement

Considering the stock market's wild swings over the last two weeks, some investors may be a bit queasy. Those who are newly retired or near retirement may be tempted to cash out of stocks or adjust their portfolio so that it is mostly invested in bonds. That could be a big mistake.

That's one of a few mistakes that can derail your retirement plans.

Mistake: Boosting bond allocations at retirement.

F%^k that s%^t!

Oh, crap. This is a sarcasm report. I should have been much more subtle and diplomatic. Please allow me to try again.

While I respect the fact that it could be a big mistake to mostly invest in bonds upon retiring, it could also not be a big mistake. Behold the power of the word could.

Further, if my retirement plans involved investing in inflation protected treasuries (TIPS) upon retiring, then it would be impossible to derail my retirement plans if I invested in inflation protected treasuries upon retiring. For the record, investing in long-term inflation protected treasuries was my retirement plan upon retiring. I therefore did not derail my retirement plan by investing in inflation protected treasuries upon retiring. Dizzying.

If you start off saying that it *could be* a big mistake to cash out of stocks and move into bonds and also claim that it *is* a big mistake, then I have six questions I wish to ask.

1. What happened to the word could?
2. How do you know our uncertain future with such certainty?
3. Does it have anything to do with a rear view mirror?
4. Ever hear the phrase that past performance does not necessarily predict future results?
5. Why do you suppose that the SEC requires funds to tell investors that?
6. Is the SEC concerned that investors might make a big mistake?

There is also no guarantee that inflation will stay benign.

Yeah, that's why I chose to move to bonds with inflation protection as part of my retirement plan. Perhaps you've heard of them. They are called TIPS. That said, there is also no guarantee that deflation will stay benign. There are no guarantees when predicting the future.

Ah, much better. I initially fell into the sarcasm-free sarcasm report trap, but managed to claw my way out of it. Unfortunately, sarcasm can take a heck of a lot of work. Perhaps I should have stuck with simply f%^king that s%^t, lol. Sigh.