The Sarcasm Report v.3

So far the polls are in. With a whopping one vote so far I have opted to give the reader(s) at least some of what they might want. More sarcasm! More commentary! More videos!

July 17, 2007
Triumphant Goldilocks
The big theme in today’s Dow crossing the 14,000 threshold for the first time is one of unprecedented global economic growth and a worldwide stock market boom.

Unprecedented! As in, this time it is different. Woohoo!

Simply put, this is the greatest global stock market boom in history.

Oh, I'd say that's a tough call. It might be competing slightly with the one just before our Great Depression or the one heading into our Dotcom bust. However, I must concede his point. It is one heck of a boom!

What we are witnessing here, in virtually every corner of the globe, is the success and the spread of unbridled free market capitalism. It is a dynamic worldwide march toward lower tax rates, deregulation, and, as market strategist Don Luskin put it on last night’s show, the “interconnectedness” of global economies through free trade, the free flow of capital, and the robust free exchange of information.

I am robustly and freely offering my opinions! Maybe I should be sticking to the Goldilocks script, but I keep forgetting my lines. She was the one surrounded by three bears, right? Did she borrow the money for the porridge or did she just take what she could find? In the real world I'm not so sure three bears would be so understanding. But what do I know? Improv I say! Adapt and stumble!

Despite the persistent doom and gloom refrain from various sourpuss prognosticators, it remains the greatest story never told.

Indeed! I'll stop being a sourpuss when they put some stock market information on my TV. I'm stuck watching reruns of Gilligan's Island (more on that below) while all the rest of the world prospers! We need a show where I can see ticker symbols for hours on end scrolling below commentators' faces. Now THAT would be something! I'd have to be bullish then. It would be the greatest story EVER told! And while we are at it, I'm VERY much looking forward to watching hour long commercials late at night talking about how I can make SERIOUS money investing in real estate. Why can't they offer seminars at my local Holiday Inn? Man, I don't think I could contain my euphoria for long in that environment!

And it's not over yet.

It can't be over. The fat lady isn't singing yet! Well, unless her singing is being drowned out by the screams of nervous sellers in a foreclosure auction near you. I suppose that's possible.

This Goldilocks stock market and economy is celebrating her one-year anniversary in a remarkable bull market run that began last July. Since last summer, the Dow is up over 30 percent; Europe is up 40 percent; Japan is up 18 percent; and the BRIC (Brazil, Russia, India, China) index is up a mind blowing 64 percent.

Wow, sounds like the perfect time to double down and embrace the risk. I gotta get me some of those easy profits while the easy profit gettin' is good!

That’s called global prosperity.

Meanwhile, our dollar continues its decline. It is almost like prices for us rise as our dollar buys less stuff. We're seeing unprecedented prosperity in all things non-dollars. Oil! Gold! Silver! Stocks! Real Estate! Prosperity, baby. That's what I'm talkin' about. If this keeps up much longer maybe even wages will rise. Who knows!

Here in the U.S., we’re getting a welcome speedup in the economy...

Can you feel that welcome speedup? I sure can! Things are certainly accelerating anyway. Both Bush and Bernanke had to come out of the woodwork to slow this train down. It isn't the speed of the train that makes us gawk though. We're more than happy gawking at slow motion ones, especially as they come into contact with rosy (rose colored) scenarios!

...with profits and cash flow shares at record highs.

I forget. Is it better to invest with profits and cash flows at record highs in hopes they go on to even bigger and more fantastic record highs? Or is it better to buy from the bargain bin once everything someday implodes? Tough call on that one, but I'd be tempted to buy now! Yep! All in! I'm doublin' down. I simply CAN'T AFFORD not to. Baby NEEDS new shoes!

And what’s more, this global stock market boom signifies a major defeat for al Qaeda and all the terrorist jihadists who seek to destroy capitalism and our way of life. The spread of prosperity across the globe cannot tell a lie: The terrorists are on the wrong side, they are on the losing side, and their side will be defeated. Freedom and capitalism are moving full steam ahead. It will ultimately crush the evil, totalitarian jihadists.

So lately, seeing as how the Dow is no longer 14,000, I guess we could say we're letting the evil doers win. OUCH! The terrorists are on the wrong side? I had no idea they were shorting our stock markets! No wonder we're losing lately. Let's get out there and invade another country before it is too late. I suggest Zimbabwe. They have 80% unemployment and hyperinflation. I think we could win that battle with nothing more than the Salvation Army. Fantastic!

Despite all the criticism President Bush has received over his administration’s Iraq war policies, the stock market has been booming throughout the whole period from early 2003 onward. Markets are giving Bush’s steadfastness in the battle of Iraq and the world terror war a big thumbs up vote of confidence.

Using this logic, it looks like the markets are now giving him the middle finger.

Gilligan's Island might seem like a fun, goofy way to run our country, but that's only because the music was so upbeat. Here's a darker, more realistic version.