Astrology This Week: Good News and Bad News for Libras

The Onion: Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 17, 2016

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.

The good news is that you will thwart their evil plot, at least for now.

The bad news is that, in this short-term instant gratification society, there is only one group I know of that would mastermind your surprise birthday event more than four months in advance. Watch your backs Libras. Watch your backs.

Illuminati

They are often alleged to conspire to control world affairs, by masterminding events and planting agents in government and corporations, in order to gain political power and influence and to establish a New World Order. 

Astrology and conspiracy theories working together in the New World Order, baby. That's what I'm talking about. :)