The Sarcasm Report v.215

July 1, 2015
How to Prepare for the Next Market Meltdown

I remember thinking at the time, credit swaps, sure; emerging markets, yeah, I could see that; hedge funds, definitely. But inflated housing prices and problematic mortgages bringing the U.S. and global markets to their knees? It seems obvious today with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. But before the financial crisis, it seemed rather far-fetched.

Awesome. I definitely want advice about market meltdown preparation from a guy who thought the last market meltdown was far-fetched. Fool him once, shame on me. Fool him twice, shame on him.

Rather, all you have to do is assure you have your savings invested in a mix of stocks and bonds you would be equally comfortable sticking with if the market continues to make it to higher ground—or gets whacked for a sizable loss from a development everyone anticipates or from a shock that comes completely out of the blue.

So let me get this straight. All I have to do is stay invested in a mix of stocks and bonds in order to protect myself against a potential meltdown in stocks and bonds? Frickin' fantastic! I never thought it would be that easy. Why stop there though? I'm going to apply the spirit of this advice to the rest of my disaster preparations.

There are a lot of nuclear weapons in the world. Hindsight may show that it would have been a good idea to build a bunker. However, I don't think it really needs to be underground. I'm thinking it just needs to be a smaller version of my existing house, a guest cottage if you will. Yes. I think that would work great. That way friends and family could stay in it when the disaster hits.

While I am at it, I think I should stock up on some water reserves in case it really hits the fan. That's why I am going to build a pool next to the guest cottage. People will need a place to sit so some outdoor furniture might be nice. And let's not forget the BBQ grill on its very own granite countertop! And a poolside fridge! You know, to store food and drinks for the coming apocalypse! Woohoo!

The only real question left is where to put the outdoor amphitheater so that I can show apocalypse movies such as 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, and Deep Impact. That is a must have. It will set the mood and get people thinking about making their own preparations for the next meltdown. It might require a lot of power to do it right so I may need to contact the power company about expanding my service. I better act fast though. It will be harder to get them to do it once the disaster hits. They'll probably be too busy working on downed power lines.

How am I going to pay for my "man cave" bunker? Glad you asked! I am going to mortgage the hell out of my house thanks to these near record low interest rates! What's the worst that could happen? Again?

Disaster preparation, baby. That's what I'm talking about.