Twitter Has Changed Me v.2

Twitter has changed me again. This time I am an automated person apparently. My account has been locked. Not only can I not tweet, but I now can't even read the tweets of others.

Wanted me to enter phone number to verify. I enter it. Says it will text me verification code. No text ever comes. I am now in the customer service email loop. Oh, joy. Could take days to clear this up.

No idea why Twitter has been a poor investment since its IPO, but how could I? I'm just a bot. In my defense, I think I'm a good bot. Most days I even feel human as I tweet pictures and videos of my new digital German Shepherd puppy, use my advanced artificial intelligence routines to play hashtag games, and attempt to pass off as human by using Twitter to donate to a German Shepherd in Europe that needs surgery.

Thanks Twitter. I'm certainly not the first to feel dehumanized. There's plenty of that to go around these days.

Twitter Has Changed Me

I've tweeted over 100 pictures and videos of my naked puppy without a problem but I finally crossed the line. I've been censored and am now apparently a puppy pornographer! Seriously. If you have children, avert their eyes! The following pictures may scar them for life!! ;)


Click to enlarge.


Click to enlarge.

P.S. If you are a puppy pervert and have not gotten your fill, there's no telling what I might tweet next @RiverGSD. ;)

The Sarcasm Report v.279

May 24, 2017
New iPhone 8 pictures mean our worst nightmare might be happening

If this new series of leaks is correct, Apple could be about to make a huge mistake. The biggest outstanding question about the iPhone 8’s design is whether it will have a Touch ID sensor on the rear, or build a fingerprint scanner into the screen itself.

I haven't experienced a worst nightmare this bad since I dreamed of spilling my Starbucks pumpkin spice latte into my Coach explorer bag in sport calf leather.

First world nightmares, baby. I got 'em bad!

The Sarcasm Report v.278

There has never been a better time to invest in Sears!

May 21, 2017
Business Insider: Sears' CEO blames the media for company's decline — but his obsession with Wall Street set it up for failure

Sears spun off its Lands' End brand to investors in 2014 and is exploring "alternatives" that could include sales of Kenmore appliances and Craftsman tools.

If Sears can sell Craftsman tools for $900 million just 1,111 more times, then we'll be looking at the world's first department store trillion dollar company!

March 9, 2017
BREAKING: Stanley Black & Decker Acquires Craftsman Brand from Sears

Stanley Black & Decker announced today that it successfully completed its purchase of the Craftsman Brand from Sears Holdings Corporation.

Most CEOs would find it nearly impossible to sell-off a brand more than once, but Eddie Lampert has my complete confidence!

Our New Dog Just Signed Up on Twitter

Her name is River. She will be 8 weeks old tomorrow, and we'll be bringing her home. You can follow her story on Twitter @RiverGSD. It's just getting started. No politics. No religion. No economics. Just tons of pictures and a lifetime of realtime memories (hopefully)!

Real prosperity, baby. That's what I'm talking about. :)

The Sarcasm Report v.277

May 12, 2017
CNBC: JC Penney's stock hits all-time low on widening net loss, weaker sales traffic

These losses I've been experiencing in attempting to pick individual department store winners cannot continue! I've finally learned my lesson. It is time to diversify and turn this sinking ship around.

Does anyone know of a great leveraged department store index fund with a high front-end and back-end load, that also has high periodic management and 12b-1 fees? Nothing but the best for me from here on out. It takes money to make money.

It is very important that it is a great fund. I don't wish to take on too much added risk. I'll be borrowing on my credit card to fund my brokerage account, then I'll be buying that leveraged fund on margin to maximize my returns. You might even predict, if you love Liberty Mutual TV ads as much as I do, that I'll soon be driving around on more than three wheels. Smart.


Video not safe for work.

The Sarcasm Report v.276

May 11, 2017
CNBC: Macy's shares plunge after huge earnings, sales miss; shows recovery a long way off

Nothing screams "recovery" like the long-term chart of the USA's department store employees since 2000. Yes, sir. Has recovery written all over it. Just need to be patient.

Speaking of easy recoveries, I'm looking for investors to help fund my state of the art Mexican 8-track tape factory. With your help, we're going to be cranking out all the hits of the 1970s just as nature intended, again.



¡Viva la recuperación!

I Applogize for Never Finding Any Exotic Matter

May 3, 2017
Wall Street Pit: Sci-Fi Fans Rejoice! Time Travel Might Actually Be Possible

While the research suggests that it is mathematically possible to build a time machine, it’s not yet physically feasible. As Tippet said: “While is it mathematically feasible, it is not yet possible to build a space-time machine because we need materials—which we call exotic matter—to bend space-time in these impossible ways, but they have yet to be discovered.”

I will devote the rest of my life to finding exotic matter.

I'm sorry that I was unable to find any exotic matter at any point in the distant future. If I had found any, I would have insisted on traveling back in time to change this post and congratulate myself for my amazing discovery.

There is some good news though. Since I never found any exotic matter, I now see no point in devoting the rest of my life trying to find any. This frees up more time to just kick back and relax. Woohoo! ;)