Monday, April 27, 2015

Quote of the Day

April 27, 2015
The market double whammy investors fear most

Apart from the investment markets, the rising cost of health care continues to be one of the chief concerns of middle-class Americans, and many people are looking to their financial advisors for help.

I'm trying to figure out what kind of help the financial advisors can offer.

1. I know you are concerned, so I will lower my fees. I wouldn't want you to have to choose between financial advice and medical advice someday. It's going to be painful for me though. The fees are needed to pay my health care and the moorage expenses for my yacht. You, me, your money, and my advice are kind of in this together. We're only going to be as strong as our weakest link.

2. You *need* more income. Might I suggest boosting your exposure to highly speculative investments on the hope that they pay off. Now that the stock market has tripled off the bottom and the Fed has permanently put an end to recessions, there has never been a better time to embrace extra risk.

3. Many financial advisors might tell you to stop buying so much coffee at Starbucks and divert some of it to health care expenses instead. Not me. You can't afford to stop. Starbucks is your top stock holding. The more you drink the wealthier you and I become.

Only Earning $100 per Hour (Musical Tribute)

April 26, 2015
Burdened With Debt, Law School Graduates Struggle in Job Market

His business has greatly expanded and he makes $100 an hour, but that is far below what he would make at a law firm. And, he said, “I waffle constantly, but I’m still in the mind-set that I need to find a real job.”

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Quote of the Day

April 25, 2015
CNBC: Why Apple Watch isn't the most advanced timepiece

I have no desire to own an Apple Watch, and yet I found this claim incredibly difficult to believe. I therefore had to click on the link, just like CNBC hoped.

What timepiece is more advanced? I must know!! Images of James Bond movies filled my head! Top secret government watches that double as personal defense tools! You know the tech!! Watches with frickin' laser beams, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Consider the introduction of the pendulum in 1657, which enabled clocks to keep time to within a minute per day (from roughly 15 minutes before that).

You have got to be f#^*ing kidding me! We're supposed to compare the Apple Watch to a 1657 pendulum and conclude that the pendulum is more advanced? Seriously?

The quote of the day can be found in the comments.

Most embellished piece of troll article ever written on CNBC in the last 5 minutes. - bunnyturd

Hilariously well stated, bunnyturd. My hat is off to you!

As for CNBC, what did I expect? The most advanced news service in the world? Nothing works better than pendulum technology. Mad Money and Fast Money are proof of that! The pendulum is the perfect divination tool for tools!

Pendulum Divination

To charge your pendulum, place it overnight in water or salt. Remember that some crystals will degrade in salt, so be sure to check before you do this. Another option is to leave the pendulum outside overnight in the moonlight.

Don't forget to charge your Apple Watch too while you are at it. With two of the most powerful timepieces in the world and a working knowledge of all things CNBC, you'll be unstoppable! Mwuhahaha!

Pop Quiz: Real News or Real Satire?

April 16, 2015
CNN Money: Ben Bernanke joins hedge fund Citadel

"I wanted to avoid the appearance of a conflict of interest," Bernanke said.

April 23, 2015
The Onion: Entire Treasury Department Competing For Same Goldman Sachs Job Opening

Browning added that the new hire was needed to take over the responsibilities of a former Goldman Sachs executive who had recently left for a high-ranking position in the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Working for the Mafia Can Help Save the World

April 21, 2015
Working on Wall Street can help save the world: Peter Singer

He believes that working on Wall Street can be more noble even than being a social worker.

Indeed. Very noble.

“I don’t think that Wall Street is necessarily harmful at all,” he says.

The typical social worker is not necessarily always thinking up new ways to take their client's money. Without that thought process, how can social workers donate much money to charity?

The key is maximizing the amount of money taken from clients so that one has the most resources to give to charity. That's why I say that you need to give serious consideration to joining the mafia when you exit college. The more money you make the more money you can donate. And in the end, isn't that all that really matters?

Child protective services pales in comparison to organized protection rackets, be they derivatives trading or simply a guy named Guido shaking down a local business.

When it comes to saving the world, think smart and work harder. Mafia for the win!

Uh, oh. I use a sarcasm meter to limit the amount of sarcasm I generate each day. I see that the batteries are dead. I therefore have no idea if I'm operating in the dangerous red zone!!

Excessive Risk Taking for Dummies (Musical Tribute)

As seen through the eyes of Rick Newman:

July 18, 2013
Why I’m Draining My Savings to Stimulate the Economy

Things are different now. I’ve turned my savings into spending, rung up thousands of dollars’ worth of purchases on my credit cards and in the process paid a lot more in taxes. And I’ll probably keep spending like this until I nearly run out of money.

In other words, I’ve bought a house.

April 20, 2015
It’s time to stop worrying about Greece defaulting

No contagion likely

There you have it. Drain your savings. Take on debt. Keep doing it until you are nearly out of money. No contagion likely. Don't worry. Be happy like Rick!

As a side note, who is worried about Greece? The US stock market is at record levels. It's pretty much priced for permanent perfection. And let's not forget that summer is nearly here. Nothing bad ever happens when the sun is out!!

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Eternal Return Ends in Bankruptcy

April 19, 2015
Family Christian books bankruptcy: Chain faces scrutiny

"Their desire wasn't a financial return by secular terms," Family Christian CEO Chuck Bengochea said during a March hearing in which company executives answered questions from opposing attorneys, according to an official transcript obtained by the Free Press. "Theirs was an eternal return."

Eternity is a cruel mistress.

Quote of the Day

Aoril 19, 2015
Gundlach Says Market Hasn't Seen Full Impact of Fed Moves

Known for his contrarian views and top returns, Gundlach said rating the Fed very highly at this point is “sort of like a man who jumps out of a 20-story building, and after falling 18 stories, says, ‘So far, so good.’”