The Sarcasm Report v.278

There has never been a better time to invest in Sears!

May 21, 2017
Business Insider: Sears' CEO blames the media for company's decline — but his obsession with Wall Street set it up for failure

Sears spun off its Lands' End brand to investors in 2014 and is exploring "alternatives" that could include sales of Kenmore appliances and Craftsman tools.

If Sears can sell Craftsman tools for $900 million just 1,111 more times, then we'll be looking at the world's first department store trillion dollar company!

March 9, 2017
BREAKING: Stanley Black & Decker Acquires Craftsman Brand from Sears

Stanley Black & Decker announced today that it successfully completed its purchase of the Craftsman Brand from Sears Holdings Corporation.

Most CEOs would find it nearly impossible to sell-off a brand more than once, but Eddie Lampert has my complete confidence!

Our New Dog Just Signed Up on Twitter

Her name is River. She will be 8 weeks old tomorrow, and we'll be bringing her home. You can follow her story on Twitter @RiverGSD. It's just getting started. No politics. No religion. No economics. Just tons of pictures and a lifetime of realtime memories (hopefully)!

Real prosperity, baby. That's what I'm talking about. :)

The Sarcasm Report v.277

May 12, 2017
CNBC: JC Penney's stock hits all-time low on widening net loss, weaker sales traffic

These losses I've been experiencing in attempting to pick individual department store winners cannot continue! I've finally learned my lesson. It is time to diversify and turn this sinking ship around.

Does anyone know of a great leveraged department store index fund with a high front-end and back-end load, that also has high periodic management and 12b-1 fees? Nothing but the best for me from here on out. It takes money to make money.

It is very important that it is a great fund. I don't wish to take on too much added risk. I'll be borrowing on my credit card to fund my brokerage account, then I'll be buying that leveraged fund on margin to maximize my returns. You might even predict, if you love Liberty Mutual TV ads as much as I do, that I'll soon be driving around on more than three wheels. Smart.


Video not safe for work.

The Sarcasm Report v.276

May 11, 2017
CNBC: Macy's shares plunge after huge earnings, sales miss; shows recovery a long way off

Nothing screams "recovery" like the long-term chart of the USA's department store employees since 2000. Yes, sir. Has recovery written all over it. Just need to be patient.

Speaking of easy recoveries, I'm looking for investors to help fund my state of the art Mexican 8-track tape factory. With your help, we're going to be cranking out all the hits of the 1970s just as nature intended, again.



¡Viva la recuperación!

I Applogize for Never Finding Any Exotic Matter

May 3, 2017
Wall Street Pit: Sci-Fi Fans Rejoice! Time Travel Might Actually Be Possible

While the research suggests that it is mathematically possible to build a time machine, it’s not yet physically feasible. As Tippet said: “While is it mathematically feasible, it is not yet possible to build a space-time machine because we need materials—which we call exotic matter—to bend space-time in these impossible ways, but they have yet to be discovered.”

I will devote the rest of my life to finding exotic matter.

I'm sorry that I was unable to find any exotic matter at any point in the distant future. If I had found any, I would have insisted on traveling back in time to change this post and congratulate myself for my amazing discovery.

There is some good news though. Since I never found any exotic matter, I now see no point in devoting the rest of my life trying to find any. This frees up more time to just kick back and relax. Woohoo! ;)

4 Things That May Cause Magical Unicorns to Stampede Out of My Bottom

May 6, 2017
TheStreet: You Must Start Investing Now Because the Dow May Hit 100,000 By 2030

1. The blue-chip index is currently just shy of 21,000. A surge to 100,000 would represent a roughly 376% increase.

12.8% increase per year! Hello unicorns!

2. "If I'm wrong, it'll be 150,000," he said. "We're going to see incredible profits in the United States, as well as globally."

16.3% per year if he's wrong! If it's wrong to expect even more unicorns, then I don't want him to be right!

3. "You're going to live to 110 or 120."

I can actually feel the unicorns growing inside me! I sure hope the horns pass smoothly!

4. He said "retirement" won't exist in the 21st century.

Wow! I think each of the unicorns inside me may be pregnant. I better come up with a plan to put them all to work! Perhaps I can entice them to weave Dow 100k hats?

The Great Déjà Vu Pandemic of 2017

May 4, 2017
Mish: Earth Overshoot: How Sustainable is Population Growth?

For decades people have been predicting overpopulation would wipe out energy resources if not the entire planet. Every year the population bomb and peak oil crowd have been proven wrong. But how long can the status quo of generating growth by population explosion last?

Every year the population bomb and peak oil crowd have been proven wrong. But how long can the status quo of generating growth by population explosion last?

I do not know what caused the pandemic, but I can say that ABC News was patient zero.

Be careful out there. If this is as infectious as it appears, then it could happen to anyone who posts their thoughts on the Internet.

If this is as infectious as it appears, then it could happen to anyone who posts their thoughts on the Internet.

Bad Mark. Bad! Bad! :)

Man's Best Friend

April 25, 2017
Dog doesn’t recognise owner after he lost weight – until he sniffs him

Trust us, you’ll want to watch this video of a dog overjoyed to reunite with his owner after a hospital stay.

The trust is completely warranted. :)