Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Quote of the Day

November 3, 2015
CNBC: Jay Leno on turning sea water to fuel

Roughly 71 percent of the Earth's surface is covered by water, with the oceans holding the majority of it. So it would be incredibly useful if scientists could somehow convert all that sea water into fuel.

Yes, it would be incredibly useful. In fact, it would be even more incredibly useful if scientists could somehow convert *all* the world's remaining forests into giant matches. Just think of the possibilities if scientists could someday do both!

Well, by using the current process, it takes more energy to extract the fuel than you actually get out of it.

Bah! It shouldn't stop us from converting all the world's sea water into fuel though. We just need to find more fuel!

Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Stress Test Failure

October 29, 2015
CNBC: Job-related stress reduces workers' lifespans: study

You job may be killing you.

Me stressed out just reading that. Me worried about CNBC writer's lifespan. Me wish me had editor for this blog sometimes. But hey, at least writing on this blog is not me job. That make me feel a bit better. It do. It really do.

Shame on me. Bad Mark! Bad! Bad! ;)

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Quote of the Day

October 28, 2015
Owning Half of Japan's ETF Market Might Not Be Enough for Kuroda

With 3 trillion yen ($25 billion) a year in existing firepower, the BOJ has accumulated an ETF stash that accounted for 52 percent of the entire market at the end of September, figures from Tokyo’s stock exchange show.

I'm just thankful that there won't be any long-term unintended consequences from this, especially if the United States someday feels the need to do it too, lol. Sigh.

Monday, October 26, 2015

You Won't Believe the 10 Controversial Things These Millennials Did to Go Viral

July 15, 2015
The Onion: Word ‘Millennials’ Forced Into Headline To Boost Pageviews

At press time, Gein had managed to garner even more pageviews for the post by shrewdly squeezing the terms “controversial,” “viral,” and “you won’t believe” into the headline as well.

What? No list of 10 things to seal the deal?

Monday afternoon clickbait, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Hahaha! :)

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Great News for Yesterday's Panicked Coca-Cola Investors

October 21, 2015
Coca-Cola (KO) Stock Collapses, Foreign Exchange Dents Quarterly Sales, Jim Cramer's Take

NEW YORK (TheStreet) -- The Coca-Cola Co. (KO) shares are tumbling 1.4% to $41.70 on Wednesday morning after the beverage maker reported its third quarter fiscal 2015 financial results. Earnings beat, but revenue fell short of estimates.

After yesterday's brutal and unprecedented 1.4% collapse in the price of Coca-Cola stock to $41.70, the company closed today at $43.24. That's a 3.7% rally from yesterday's gut-wrenching panic and represents a true miracle in the face of overwhelming collapsing adversity. Further, the stock now trades within 4% of its 52-week high of $45.00.

In other news, I'm collapsing on the couch right now in sympathy. Please do not call 911 on my behalf. I think I'll manage to pull through once I've played video game or two on my iPhone. I do appreciate your concern though.

Only a sarcastic fool would believe that the Age of Sarcasm has ended. It's just getting started! Hahaha! :)

This is not investment advice. Other than to say that I never pay for Coca-Cola products at anywhere near full price in grocery stores, I am a Coca-Cola stock price agnostic.

Quote of the Day

July 28, 2015
How much money you need to save each day to become a millionaire by age 65

The chart assumes you're starting with zero dollars invested. It also assumes a 12% annual return.

It also doesn't concern itself with taxation, unicorns that will appear in the magical garden that you've created for yourself, the impact of monkeys flying out of your bottom, or the melt time of snowballs in hell. Other than that, the assumptions all seem fairly sound though.

In my experience, the person who starts with zero dollars has no problem at all generating 12% annual returns. Heck, that first penny provides infinite growth, and that next penny doubles the money from there.

Don't forget the most important rule of all. Once you have two pennies you can evenly diversify your investments into both stocks and bonds. One penny each! With the 30-year treasury currently yielding 2.86%, you'll probably need to focus on stocks that yield just 21.14% to hit your 12% target overall.

Easy peasy.

Say, was this article written before the recent stock market turmoil? Just curious.

The Sarcasm Report v.249

October 21, 2015
Money and millennials group behind I-122

SEATTLE -- With exactly two weeks until ballots are due, millennials are targeting millennials in an effort to get out the vote in favor of I-122, nicknamed the "honest elections" initiative.

Honest elections initiative? Awesome! What could possibly go wrong with a nickname like that?

...create a new system in which registered voters can receive up to $100 of so-called "democracy vouchers" to support the candidate of their choice.

Paid for with even higher property taxes! Woohoo! Seriously.

Psst. Hey, buddy. Give you twenty bucks for your "honest elections" hundred dollar voucher. And that goes for any other hundred dollar vouchers you manage to find too. Honest.

Oh, Mark. That's just you being cynical. Get with the program and embrace the honesty inherent in the "honest elections" system!

Can we expect double the political robocalls if the initiative passes? First, they will want to remind us  to spend the vouchers on their campaign. Once that is done, we will be reminded again to vote. That sounds f%^king fantastic!

I'm really going to regret not living inside the Seattle city limits if this one passes! If there is one thing I love most, it is being continually hounded by politicians and their rabid followers looking for money and votes! And politicians looking for "free money" democracy vouchers will no doubt bring out the very best in people! I have no doubt about that!!

This concludes today's sarcasm report. It's extra heavy on the sarcasm with hints of unintended corruption consequences. Yum!

Corporate Guarantee of the Day

October 21, 2015
Subway starts measuring 'footlong' subs in response to lawsuit

Subway is putting its "footlong" subs up to a tape measure to guarantee the subs are actually what they advertise: 12-inches long.

Finally! It's a corporate guarantee that we can count on!

Subway maintains in the settlement agreement that due to variability in food production and the baking process, it "will never be able to guarantee that each loaf of bread will always be exactly 12 inches or greater in length after baking."

Or not, lol. Sigh.

In honor of this guarantee, I promise to never mention Jared again when talking about Subway in polite conversation. Yes, you heard me right. Jared will never be mentioned again. I promise! The last thing anyone wants to do is think about Jared when eating one of their sandwiches. You know, because of what Jared did.

Oops. I think my promise is getting off to a very poor start. Sorry about that! ;)