Monday, October 5, 2015

Normalized Investment Advice Propaganda

October 5, 2015
How Near-Retirees Can Ride Out Market Volatility

1. Bear markets are normal and market volatility is here to stay.

2. This is normal stuff — don’t panic.

3. Explain to them that this is normal and their plan assumes market declines that will happened from time to time.

4. Market declines and corrections are normal.

Trapped in ZIRP for nearly 7 years so far? It's all perfectly normal.

Breaking News: The Fed Is on Hold Until at Least 2015!

You heard it here first!

October 5, 2015
Reuters: Wall St. rises as Fed seen holding off rate hike till 2015

2015? Seriously? Step aside Nostradamus! There's a new fortune teller in town!

I'm guessing this headline gets fixed soon. Too bad. This mainstream prediction is the first "sure thing" I've seen since starting this blog. Hahaha! :)


(This story corrects headline to say "2016" not "2015")

Party poopers! ;)

Interest Rates Rise as Interest Rates Not Expected to Rise

October 5, 2015
Stocks jump as expectations ease of U.S. rate hike; oil gains

1. Stocks are rising because interest rates are not expected to rise.

October 5, 2015
BOND REPORT: Treasurys Under Selling Pressure, As Global Stocks Rally

2. Interest rates are rising as stocks are rising.

Therefore, interest rates are rising as interest rates are not expected to rise.

Put another way, it's safe to sell bonds to buy stocks as long as interest rates stay low. Interest rates will stay low as long as investors don't sell bonds to buy stocks.

Hey, don't blame the messenger if this twisted logic all seems a tad bit circular. I'm just trying to make sense of the headlines. ;)

Saturday, October 3, 2015

There's a Sucker Punch Born Every Minute

June 1, 2015

I'm not, but I found a terrific financial advisor at Interactive Brokers Investors' Marketplace. He manages my account and built the perfect portfolio for me. Put me into a couple of hedge funds that are doing great.

That was then. This is now.

October 2, 2015
REFILE-U.S. hedge funds brace for worst year since financial crisis

September's sucker punch in the biotech sector, on top of a grim August when global markets tumbled due to fears about slowing growth in China, have pushed many hedge fund managers deep into the red.

Perhaps Interactive Brokers and the hedge funds should have hedged their bets. Just sayin'.

Quote of the Day

October 3, 2015
Does Downsizing in Retirement Still Make Sense?

From the comments:

If you borrowed at least 60% of your home value at a rate at least 1% below what your money earns elsewhere and didn't bother to count your primary residence as an asset but a wash, none of this matters. - vram47

Much danger, there is when borrowing money to invest elsewhere in retirement. Back the empire may strike. Yes, hmmm.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Headline of the Year

October 1, 2015
Nunchuk-wielding shampoo thief charged in bus-based sword attack

A Seattle woman fresh from jail after a nunchuk attack is now accused of chasing a stranger off a King County Metro bus – with a sword.

The end times are definitely upon us, lol. Sigh.

Two Quotes of the Day!

That's right! It's a twofer!

September 30, 2015
Why You Should Buy a Home Right Now

If you’re considering buying a house to act as rental income, doing so when rates are low is one of the most important factors to the success of your investment. We don’t know where interest rates will go in the future. They could fall even lower or rebound to pre-recession figures, but right now is a good time to bet on the housing market.

Indeed! Those who bought rental properties in 1981 when the 10-year treasury yield was north of 15% are probably still kicking themselves for making the purchase. But who could have guessed they'd be given so many decades to refinance at lower rates? And who would have guessed the 1980s and 1990s would be so prosperous? Oh, wait. Never mind. I think my logic is all messed up.

September 30, 2015
Four reasons the market won't crash

As for stock prices, I remain troubled by near record-high corporate profit margins, which create the illusion of a market that is cheaper than it really is. As margins revert closer to the long-term average, stock prices may indeed need to come down more to reflect the slowdown in earnings growth. However, the S&P 500 has now retreated about 12 percent from its all-time high, with certain sectors like energy and materials getting hit harder.

As the front of the car's bumper wraps around the telephone pole, the passenger has to ask, "Are we going to crash?" The driver replies, "Going to crash? Well, technically no. The telephone pole has lowered our speed considerably. Hell, I'm not even sure the car will be drivable in the future. Hey, great news! The airbags are finally deploying!"

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Goldman Sachs Just Convinced Me to Wager My Entire Retirement Nest Egg

October 1, 2015
How to make 7 times your money in Apple: Goldman

With a headline like that, how can I lose?

Because Apple shares have to rise above $115 by more than the $5.70 being laid out, this represents a bet that the stock will rise above $120.70 in four months, or more than 9 percent above Wednesday's closing price.

For Goldman, this appears a distinct possibility.

Baby needs new shoes! 7 times my money or bust! Bet it all on the distinct possibility!!

This is almost as good a bet as that time I was at the horse races. The horse's name was Goldman's Sax. Its odds were also 7 to 1. Music to my ears! I didn't win that time but this has got to be fate!! Things happen for a reason!!

So what if Apple is down today! That will just make the eventual victory that much sweeter!