Sunday, December 4, 2016

The Sarcasm Report v.272

December 4, 2016
If you can bet on one thing in this world, bet on this: Gartman

"Clearly we were wrong in selling crude oil short the day before the OPEC meeting," the editor and publisher of The Gartman Letter wrote Thursday.

Okay, so what's the next bet? I'm looking to recoup my gambling losses!

"If you can bet on one thing in this world, bet on a mother's love, and bet on the fact that OPEC cheats," he said in a recent interview on CNBC's "Futures Now."

Dammit. I'm supposed to bet on one thing but there are actually two things. Is this some sort of ongoing trick to separate me from my money?

Choices, choices. That's it. I'm going all in on this mystery mother.

10 Media Depictions Of Stepmoms That Every Mom Hates

Every mom hates? Dammit Gartman! Your sure things fooled me again!

Saturday, December 3, 2016

The Collateral Damage of Sears

December 2, 2016
Moody's Downgrades Seven and Affirms Nine Classes of MSC 2007-HQ11

The largest specially serviced loan is the Galleria at Pittsburgh Mills Loan ($133 million -- 18% of the pool), which is secured by an 880,000 square foot collateral portion of a super-regional mall located in Tarentum, Pennsylvania. The mall's financial performance has declined sharply in recent years, largely mirroring a decline in overall occupancy. The departure of anchor tenant Sears in late 2015 triggered co-tenancy clauses at the property causing several inline tenant leases to become percentage leases, further contributing to the decline in performance. The mall is currently 57% occupied, down from 88% as recently as December 2014. The servicer is the pursuing foreclosure and expects the property to become REO.

Domino Theory

Finally, you have broader considerations that might follow what you would call the "falling domino" principle. You have a row of dominoes set up, you knock over the first one, and what will happen to the last one is the certainty that it will go over very quickly. So you could have a beginning of a disintegration that would have the most profound influences. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Crazy theory. Totally debunked. Everyone knows a chain is always as strong as its strongest link.

The Sarcasm Report v.271

December 3, 2016
Sears is on the brink of catastrophe as stores closures loom and top execs flee the company

Things aren't looking good for Sears.

Of course, this comes as a complete shock to long-time readers of this blog. Apologies for blindsiding you like this. If only I had devoted more sarcasm reports to this breaking news over the past decade!

Friday, December 2, 2016

Word of the Day

December 2, 2016
Mish: 125 Housing Metro Areas Compared: How Much Does California Skew National Averages?

Ixcluding California, the median unweighted gain not counting kickbacks and commissions, was 13.8%.

Including? Excluding? Typo? No, I think it is the birth of a new word, and I for one, like it.

I think our country will be like a very ixclusive club, now that we have elected Donald Trump as president. And here's the best part. We're already members!

I expect great things, especially when trickle inwards economics is unleashed. More of everything at essentially no cost!

Just one question. Do we ixclude the debt that will fund it? Yes! We always ixclude it! Woohoo!

Don't believe me? Ask someone at random how much debt they have. Then ask them if they've included the national debt in their answer. Then say it is okay, since national debt is all ixclusive!

Sigh.

The Sarcasm Report v.270

December 2, 2016
Incoming Treasury Sec. Mnuchin steps down from Sears board

Mnuchin, 53, has been on the Sears Holdings Corp. board for more than 11 years, according to the company.

It's been a very impressive run for Sears over the past 11 years. As a holder of long-term inflation protected treasury bonds, I am filled with renewed optimism about our future long-term prosperity!

Think about it. He's the perfect choice. Much to the dismay of long-term shareholders of Sears, there are few people on the planet with more hands-on deficit spending experience than him!

He was the Yale roommate of Sears Chairman and CEO Eddie Lampert.

How can we lose? Our fate is a sure thing!! Woohoo!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2016

The Sarcasm Report v.269

I have great news to share. You are immortal!

November 17, 2016
Yahoo Finance: RAOUL PAL: History shows there's a 100% chance of a recession for Trump

“I recently noted that since 1910, the US economy is either in recession or enters a recession within twelve months in every single instance at the end of a two-term presidency… effecting a 100% chance of recession for the new President,” he wrote in a copy of GMI posted below.

You are probably wondering how this relates to your own mortality. Please allow me to explain.

1. You are reading this.
2. Therefore, you are not dead.
3. If you are not dead now, then you were not dead last year or any previous year.
4. Therefore, you were not dead every single year of your life (not counting the potential for being mistakenly and temporarily declared dead).
5. Since you have never died, sound statistical analysis proves you have a 100% chance of not dying. Welcome to immortality!

Even if there is some tiny flaw in this statistical analysis, there is one thing we can say with even greater than 100% confidence. The longer you go without dying, the more resilient to death you will become!

Further, the only conceivable way you could possibly die would be the occurrence of a 25-sigma black swan event. To the best of my knowledge, no hedge fund manager has ever been burned by one of those though. They all use statistical models we can absolutely count on. That's why we can trust that if there is a 100% chance of a recession within a certain narrow time frame, then it is absolutely guaranteed to occur! It's a sure thing, exactly like your own immortality!

Friday, November 25, 2016

The One Flaw in My Thanksgiving Day Plan

How To Look Like Gerard Butler in the Movie 300

To build muscle, cut body fat, and have enough energy to train for six hours a day, he had to eat:

* Insane amounts of protein (which can be found in eggs, grilled chicken, tuna and other fish, steak, protein shakes, and protein bars),


I naturally assumed that eating insane amounts of protein would be the hardest part and that training for six hours a day would therefore be relatively easier.

Turns out, in hindsight, that eating insane amounts of turkey was a lot easier than it looked. The more I ate, the more confident in the plan I became!

Unfortunately, six hours of physical training became nearly impossible once the completely unexpected napping began. Blindsided by a 25-sigma event black swan!!

Live and learn! :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Don't Cook That Turkey!

I just got this email from Yelp. Seemed very important, what with the exclamation point and all. Thought I better pass it along ASAP!!

Don't Cook That Turkey!

Whew! Hopefully, Yelp and I saved many lives this holiday. It isn't all about us though. It's about giving back to our community on Thanksgiving. I hope everyone has a very special day, free from gastrointestinal emergency room visits.

Not sure which part of the cooking process is bad. I deleted the email before I had a chance to gloss over any new scientific research related to their dire warning. I think it is safe to say that raw turkey is finally safe to eat again though. I suspect that there have been many advancements in food sterility in the aftermath of the Chipotle disaster, but who can really say for sure?

Shame on me. Bad Mark. Bad! Bad! ;)

Disclaimer: This is NOT lack of cooking advice. For the love of all that is holy, cook the bejesus out of the frickin' turkey!!