The Sarcasm Report v.27

The market is a bit confusing right now. I say it is time to turn to our trusty technical analysis and astrological tools to see what we should do.

Gold

The prediction? Bullish! Gold is heading to $1,020 an ounce.

Oil

The prediction? Extremely bullish! Oil is heading to $81.

I think we can pretty much guess where our dollar and interest rates are headed based on those two predictions, right? Generally speaking, we might expect both to tank. However, these are not normal times.

US Dollar Index

The prediction? We're heading to a whopping 112 from 83. Genius!

10 Year Treasury Note Yield

The prediction? It's rising from 3.2% to 5.0%. Clearly the Fed will try to prop up that strengthening dollar in order to kill off our export business entirely and crush what's left of our housing market. Nobody would expect it and that's exactly what makes it so awesome. Genius!

Okay, we've got $81 oil and 5.0% interest rates predictions. I'm torn. How should I invest? Part of me thinks that safety might be nice.

3 Month Treasury Bill

The prediction? 0.0%. Wow. That's some spread between it and the 10 Year treasury. Clearly people won't be embracing risk of any kind. I think that pretty much tells us how we can make serious money though.

Surely there must be somewhere else I can park my money with high oil prices, high long-term interest rates, extremely high unemployment, and people frozen in fear as seen in the treasury bills? Oh, I know. The stock market! Not just the stock market overall though, let's swing for the fences.

Consumer Discretionary Select Sector

The prediction? From 23.64 to 40.5! Extremely bullish!

How about consumer staples? Should I be stocking up on toilet paper if oil is going back to $81? Hell no! "They" would be expecting that.

Consumer Staples Select Sector

The prediction? From 22.47 to 13.0! Extremely bearish!

I'm reluctant to take the predictions of the future based on squiggly lines on charts from the past solely on face value though. That's why I also offer the other half of the prediction toolbox.

Jan 5, 2009
Astrology predictions for 2009

Kaneko also predicts companies will start to hire again, but only part-time positions with no medical benefits. Families will cutback to compensate for higher living costs, and President-elect Barack Obama will be one of the most challenged presidents ever.

Holy cow! I had no idea astrology could provide such detailed insights. How on earth do they do it?

"Sometimes I will talk and I won't know what I'm saying until after it comes out of my mouth, then I hear it," said Kaneko.

I'm having this strange feeling of deja vu. Have our masters been using astrology too?

October 27, 2005
Bernanke: There's No Housing Bubble to Go Bust

Fed Nominee Has Said 'Cooling' Won't Hurt

April 20, 2009
Zero Percent on Treasury Bills as China, Fed Converge (Update3)

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner refrained from labeling China as a currency manipulator last week, backtracking from an assertion he made during his confirmation hearings in January. In its first semiannual report on foreign-exchange policies since Geithner became secretary, the Treasury said April 16 that while China’s yuan remains “undervalued,” no country “met the standards” for illegal currency manipulation during the period of the report, from July 2008 through December 2008.