Investment Advice

Advice for Young Investors

No Easy Answers

But the current environment naturally leaves a beginner confused about how to invest. The tough housing market means real estate looks cheap, but it's also an unreliable investment. After the financial market's problems of the past year, the same can be said for stocks, bonds, and other investments. Are they a bargain or a dangerous trap? At the same time, the financial crisis and widespread layoffs seem to argue for playing it safe. But how much cash can really fit into your piggybank or under your mattress?

Trillions of dollars can be placed under your mattress. Here's a list of the things you will need.

1. A shovel.
2. A wheelbarrow.
3. A TARP.
4. An armored car.
5. Access to a @#$%load of $100,000 bills (see link below).

The first four items are relatively easy to obtain. The last one will require you to have connections within the Treasury or the Federal Reserve, and/or have access to a backyard during one of the many paper money helicopter drops. Barring that, you can also hope that the government will print that denomination at some point in the future, say if inflation picks up.

Under cover of darkness, use the wheelbarrow to move the money to the armored car and then park the car in your garage. Shut the door and your mouth. Loose lips sink ships. Congratulate yourself. The hard part is done.

Dig a hole under your mattress with the shovel. You will need to dig a very big hole. This may take more than one day. Don't get discouraged. Just keep digging. Dispose of the dirt slowly through a pant leg as you take walks around your neighborhood. You don't want anyone to think you've been digging. Once you are done, use the wheelbarrow to safely transfer the money from the armored car to the hole. Once that step is completed, cover it with the TARP.

You are now safe from the financial storm. As long as all that faith-based paper currency retains its value over the long-term, you've got nothing to worry about. Well, almost nothing to worry about. Don't leave the room. Brace the door and prepare for looters. Other cash hoarders may not be as careful as you. Once looters realize that someone has trillions of dollars stored under their mattress, they might rightly supsect that everyone does.

Department of the Treasury - FAQs: Currency

What was the largest currency denomination ever produced?

The largest denomination of currency ever printed by the Bureau of Engraving and Printing (BEP) was the $100,000 Series 1934 Gold Certificate featuring the portrait of President Wilson. These notes were printed from December 18, 1934 through January 9, 1935 and were issued by the Treasurer of the United States to Federal Reserve Banks only against an equal amount of gold bullion held by the Treasury Department. The notes were used only for official transactions between Federal Reserve Banks and were not circulated among the general public.

Backed by gold bullion? Those were the days.