The Sarcasm Report v.269

I have great news to share. You are immortal!

November 17, 2016
Yahoo Finance: RAOUL PAL: History shows there's a 100% chance of a recession for Trump

“I recently noted that since 1910, the US economy is either in recession or enters a recession within twelve months in every single instance at the end of a two-term presidency… effecting a 100% chance of recession for the new President,” he wrote in a copy of GMI posted below.

You are probably wondering how this relates to your own mortality. Please allow me to explain.

1. You are reading this.
2. Therefore, you are not dead.
3. If you are not dead now, then you were not dead last year or any previous year.
4. Therefore, you were not dead every single year of your life (not counting the potential for being mistakenly and temporarily declared dead).
5. Since you have never died, sound statistical analysis proves you have a 100% chance of not dying. Welcome to immortality!

Even if there is some tiny flaw in this statistical analysis, there is one thing we can say with even greater than 100% confidence. The longer you go without dying, the more resilient to death you will become!

Further, the only conceivable way you could possibly die would be the occurrence of a 25-sigma black swan event. To the best of my knowledge, no hedge fund manager has ever been burned by one of those though. They all use statistical models we can absolutely count on. That's why we can trust that if there is a 100% chance of a recession within a certain narrow time frame, then it is absolutely guaranteed to occur! It's a sure thing, exactly like your own immortality!

The One Flaw in My Thanksgiving Day Plan

How To Look Like Gerard Butler in the Movie 300

To build muscle, cut body fat, and have enough energy to train for six hours a day, he had to eat:

* Insane amounts of protein (which can be found in eggs, grilled chicken, tuna and other fish, steak, protein shakes, and protein bars),

I naturally assumed that eating insane amounts of protein would be the hardest part and that training for six hours a day would therefore be relatively easier.

Turns out, in hindsight, that eating insane amounts of turkey was a lot easier than it looked. The more I ate, the more confident in the plan I became!

Unfortunately, six hours of physical training became nearly impossible once the completely unexpected napping began. Blindsided by a 25-sigma event black swan!!

Live and learn! :)

Don't Cook That Turkey!

I just got this email from Yelp. Seemed very important, what with the exclamation point and all. Thought I better pass it along ASAP!!

Don't Cook That Turkey!

Whew! Hopefully, Yelp and I saved many lives this holiday. It isn't all about us though. It's about giving back to our community on Thanksgiving. I hope everyone has a very special day, free from gastrointestinal emergency room visits.

Not sure which part of the cooking process is bad. I deleted the email before I had a chance to gloss over any new scientific research related to their dire warning. I think it is safe to say that raw turkey is finally safe to eat again though. I suspect that there have been many advancements in food sterility in the aftermath of the Chipotle disaster, but who can really say for sure?

Shame on me. Bad Mark. Bad! Bad! ;)

Disclaimer: This is NOT lack of cooking advice. For the love of all that is holy, cook the bejesus out of the frickin' turkey!!

The Sarcasm Report v.268

November 22, 2016
Bloomberg: No Evidence of Aloe Vera Found in the Aloe Vera at Wal-Mart, CVS

The aloe vera gel many Americans buy to soothe damaged skin contains no evidence of aloe vera at all.

One needs faith to detect aloe vera! Shun the nonbelievers!

In all seriousness sarcasticness, this is America. Expect to see long prison sentences for those responsible for the corporate fraud! Woohoo!

Dead Squirrel Beer

November 20, 2016
The $20,000 Rare Craft Beer That Comes Packaged in a Squirrel

“I absolutely love the beautiful, yet disturbing nature of taxidermy, so packaging our most evocative beer in such an unconventional, BrewDog way made sense,” says Watt. “Beer is art. Art is also art.”

I'm trying to figure out which turns my stomach more. Drinking this particular beer straight from the bottle? Or paying $20,000 for the privilege to do so?

The Sarcasm Report v.267

November 18, 2016
USA Today: 5 smart things to do with $100 right now

Imagine that a $100 online Web design course results in a $1,000 bump in salary. That's a 900% return on investment. Talk about money well spent.

Now imagine staying with that company for 30 years, which results in an extra $30,000 over the period. That's a 29,900% return on investment!

And finally, imagine using those proceeds to attend a seminar which will help you find the relationship of your dreams!

Warning: Following video not entirely safe for work.


Behold the power of $100, webinars, and an active imagination! Talk about money well spent! Dare to dream big! ;)

Abercrombie Is Ditch'd

November 18, 2016
USA Today: Shoppers snub Abercrombie as sales plunge

Down 15% as I type this.

In the comments, Progressive Political Views, if indeed that is his/her real name says:

I'm glad to see that there are significant numbers of people beginning to recognize the materialistic ideology that is at the center of our culture. We value 'stuff' and throw away people, when it should be the other way around.

Baby steps. First we need to value people as stuff and not needlessly throw them away.



I did NOT just go there!!

Shame on me. Bad Mark. Bad! Bad!

The Gap Gaps

The Gap is gapping down 13% today as I type this.

Many would search the news to find out why. I just wanted an amusing headline. Sorry.

Well, since you are here anyway I might just as well offer an opinion, the opinion of Karen S. reviewing their Redmond, Washington location.

Don't recommend this gap location mainly because of the negative customer service I've received here. One of the managers, a lady with shorter hair, spoke to me with an extremely condescending tone and was almost rude when I asked her a question. Ruined my experience there. Definitely do not appreciate this type of service, won't be returning to this gap location.

One person found it funny. I did too! I don't know who you are Karen, but I admire your style. If the extremely condescending tone didn't qualify as almost rude, then our imaginations run wild with the thoughts of what is! Hahaha! :)