Advice for Chicago Teachers

August 7, 2015
The Onion: New Statewide Education Standards Require Teachers To Forever Change Lives Of 30% Of Students

Meeks also confirmed the implementation of another rule aimed at ensuring that no more than 40 percent of a teacher’s students end up in prison.

I knew it! The Onion really did stop writing satire!

The new standards may seem daunting to Illinois teachers, but keep in mind there are actually two ways to keep your students out of prison.

1. Teach them to stop committing crimes.
2. Teach them how to stop getting caught.

There are many skills your students will need to make it in the real world. You should therefore consider teaching the following subjects in addition to reading, writing, and arithmetic.

1. The Importance of a Believable Alibi
2. When in Doubt, Run
3. The Minimum Specifications of a Getaway Vehicle
4. Bribing Government Officials: The Ins and Outs
5. You Have the Right to Remain Silent, When to Use It
6. The Seven Effective Habits of Successful Jury Intimidators
7. Police Scanners for Dummies
8. Scapegoat Strategies and Tactics
9. Bail Jumper Wilderness Survival Skills
10. How to Plan a Foolproof Heist
11. Best Places to Dump a Body
12. Widespread Banking Fraud Pays Well but Is Rarely Prosecuted

August 10, 2015
Chicago shooting victims

The map below shows where people were shot in Chicago, broken down by community area. Darker shades of blue indicate greater numbers of victims in those community areas.

That is one of the most depressing maps that I have ever seen. If the Chicago Tribune requires you to have a subscription to see it, then I suggest searching for "Chicago shootings map" in Google.