The Sarcasm Report v.236

August 18, 2015
USA Today: 5 things you need to know Tuesday

1. Thai prime minister vows to track down Bangkok bombers

I need to know this because I'm heading to Bangkok this morning to have breakfast with the Thai prime minister. This will make a good topic of conversation.

2. FDA to vote on drug for women's sex drive

I need to know this because I plan to have a busy afternoon in Thailand. Very busy. Enough said.

3. Manning may face solitary confinement for breaking prison rules

I need to know this because I will be in Bangkok. I may need cash. Manning, the transgender Army private convicted of leaking national security secrets, is who I trust most to call when I have forgotten my bank account number.

4. Assange sex-assault investigation expires

I need to know this in case I can't get a hold of Manning. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is my backup plan. Once again, I will be in Bangkok. Seems like a good fit.

5. Labor Day travel surge should make this the busiest summer ever for airlines

I need to know this because if Bangkok is half the place it is rumored to be, I'm going to have a really good time. I'll want to book my next visit ASAP.

How on earth did USA Today know me so well? They picked the exact 5 things I really needed to know!