The Sarcasm Report v.19

Stimulus Payments to Go Out Ahead of Schedule

The federal government, eager to boost the flagging economy, will start distributing special stimulus payments Monday—four days earlier than expected.

The economy is strong and there is absolutely no need to "save your money instead of spend it."

"Beginning Monday, the effects of the stimulus will begin to reach households," President Bush said Friday. "This money is going to help Americans offset the high prices we're seeing at the gas pump and at the grocery store."

The core economy is strong ex-food and ex-energy.

The payments will go out ahead of schedule because of a new computer program that updates records daily—faster than an older program that updates weekly, according to Andrew DeSouza, a Treasury spokesman.

The new computer program is at least as strong as Vista.

The checks are the centerpiece of an economic stimulus program signed into law by President Bush in February.

The stimulus program is as strong as our president.

The aim is to boost consumer spending and help mitigate problems caused by the slowing economy.

Aha! The slowing economy is the problem. Now we finally know the cause. So what caused the slowing economy? Was it hemlines? Quick, distract me with a question lest I ask where those hemlines were actually manufactured.

What do you plan to do with your check?

Cash it quick, before the next guy starts hoarding gasoline!