Friday, April 15, 2011

The Sarcasm Report v.95

Applebee's, Olive Garden face PR problem after serving alcohol to kids

The restaurant industry faces a sobering image mess: how to convince consumers it will stop accidentally serving alcohol drinks to toddlers.

Accidents happen? Who knew!

"In an industry that serves more than 150 million meals every day, these are two extremely rare occurrences," the NRA statement read. "However, we believe that even one incident like this is too many."

So what can be done to prevent accidents? The solution is so simple. I propose that we create a government bureaucracy to monitor all 300+ million citizens for any sort of suspicious accidental behavior.

I was originally going to title this post "I'd Like to Waste a Few Minutes of Your Time" but decided that it would be more fun to waste a few hundred billion dollars of your money and perhaps even invade your privacy.

What's in it for you? Two words: Lawn Darts.

It has always been a pet peeve of mine that I am allowed to purchase a handgun but I am not allowed to purchase lawn darts. Where's the powerful lawn dart lobby when you need it?

Can I count on your support? What if I told you that I would use the money to put all the unemployed people back to work?

Department of Homeland Lawn Dart Security

Every Department of Homeland Lawn Dart Security employee plays a vital role in securing our country and preserving our freedoms. We seek applicants from all backgrounds, from students to veterans to retirees. Become a part of our talented, dedicated and diverse workforce!

The Department of Homeland Lawn Dart Security is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

Would you be able to freely use lawn darts at your local park? Of course not. You'd need to pay for a permit. You would also need to be using government approved serialized lawn darts. I think that pretty much goes without saying though.

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