The Sarcasm Report v.166

August 30, 2012
Costco sales surge in August

Given the large quantities people have to purchase, Costco customers have to be among the most confident of consumers.

As a Costco customer, I can't even begin to tell you how confident I am. If you really want to know, then I suppose you could start by reading more of my Illusion of Prosperity blog. It might offer a few subtle hints.

Its strong results also bode well for the reelection of President Barack Obama, whose pathway to victory might be paved by pallets of paper towels and toilet paper.

Paper towels and toilet paper for the win! But why is there no mention of garbage bags? As seen in the following picture, they are practically the stars of the economic show! They are packed with all kinds of petroleum goodness!

November 2, 2009
8.6% Return on Investment!

Compared to the current 0.05% yield on 3-Month Treasury Bills, isn't hoarding wonderful?

That 8.6% return on Costco garbage bags is now roughly 30%. I feel so much more prosperous now!

I would also point out that over the last 3 years the 0.05% yield on 3-Month Treasury Bills has skyrocketed to a whopping 0.10%. As you can imagine, that's really put a dent in my desire to hoard Costco goods. It also means that the economy is twice as good as it once was.

0.10% / 0.05% = 2

The room in the picture is now mostly empty. It won't stay empty. I have grand plans based on the resiliency of our economy. I'm clearing out the shelving and installing Costco's Ashbee Game Room Collection ($11,999.99)! This will allow me to gamble in the comfort of my own home and cut out the Wall Street middlemen entirely. And why not? I am incredibly confident that nothing bad will ever happen again. The Fed has permanently put a stop to recessions!



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