Sarcasm FAIL

This was Jim Cramer's advice offered at 7:37am this morning.

Retail is on a roll

Given the new consumer optimism, good luck to anyone who wants to short this sector.

Too bad that was sarcasm!

What people don't realize is that we are on a roll here, with the consumer getting multiple breaks: People are less worried about losing their jobs. The ones who have them are getting huge overtime. Those who don't, unexpectedly feel more optimistic.

Let's see how the stocks mentioned in the article did today.

Nordstrom: -4.49%
Sears: -3.72%
Guess: -5.96%
J. Crew: -4.69%
Gap: -3.85%
Polo Ralph Lauren: -1.86%
Coach: -2.79%
Macy's: -4.09%
Jones Apparel: -4.62%
Tiffany: -2.97%

Average Decline: 3.9%

Did the stocks run too much ahead of these numbers to be reported next week? A little bit, perhaps, but not enough to make them good shorts. Yet that's what all my hedge-fund friends are doing.

Good luck.

More sarcasm. More failure. More forehead. More desk.

I haven't had this much fun heckling a sarcasm failure since February of last year. I hope you enjoy the following trip down memory lane.

Housing Bubble Memory Lane

Sarcasm is dangerous work. I want to assure you that there are many layers of safety in place to protect the sarcastic nature of this blog.

First, the sarcasm is performed by a semi-trained professional in a controlled laboratory environment.

Second, zero or more adults supervise the sarcasm in its preplanning stages, planning stages, and its actual implementation. It is then stress tested using the power of prehindsight.

Third, if it passes said stress tests, it is moved on to an historical sarcasm simulator to see how the sarcasm will hold up in a simulated real world environment.

Fourth, under no circumstances is the sarcasm allowed to predict the current state of the universe or predict the future without adequate disclaimers. This usually involves either a self-heckle, a question mark, and/or references to trained monkeys. Even then, there is some risk that inaccurate sarcasm might be perceived to be released onto the Internet.

Fifth, if you have to ask how much sarcasm insurance costs, then you simply can't afford it. You'll need it though. There is nothing worse than having your sarcastic hard work heckled in a sarcastic manner. Nothing.

Please, for your own safety, do not try this at home. Once you put the sarcasm onto the Internet, it becomes fair game for every sarcastic loving fool out there, of which I am one. As a side note, don't even get me started on puns!