Thursday, March 19, 2015

The Sarcasm Report v.209

March 18, 2015
5 Things You Need to Retire Early and Comfortably

Most early retirees need the help of growing equities to sustain their lifestyle for decades.

The stock market has tripled off the lows of the Great Recession. If early retirees "need" more than that, then it should be no problem at all over the long-term. The stock market is like an infinite well of prosperity that can never run dry. Count on 10% annual returns for all of eternity, or perhaps 9% for those looking for a tiny bit of safety buffer.

You need to get over the nervousness of trying something new, and drive to the places you want to visit.

As an early retiree, I knew I was doing something wrong. I "need" to drive my car more! It's the only way I can be happy! It's just that I am always so nervous trying new things. That's why I sit in the front yard on the grass and play with the dogs in the summer. It's an unhealthy habit I really "need" to break. I'm in a rut though, and am having difficulty escaping it.

Why do I do that when I could just as easily be buying tickets to France? Flying there? Interacting with Homeland Security? Renting a car? Driving around? Trying to find parking? Living the better life? Dreaming of what could have been? All while our dogs cry at home wondering why they've been abandoned. I'm such a fool!

Those who sit around all day quickly find that the days get boring, and a lack of social interaction and exercise can also start to impact your health.

Agreed. I am always so bored! I found that out within the first few minutes of quiting my job. Waves of depression rolled over me. And don't even get me started on how bored I was the first time I was ever laid off years earlier. The only way to alleviate it was to buy a kite and take my dog, at the time, to a local park. The sun was out. Beautiful day. Still have that kite, as a reminder to me of the great boredom that can appear if I don't keep my guard up.

Much better to sit around all day at an office job than sit around all day in a hammock at home, reading a good book. And the social interaction I had at work just couldn't be beat. In the final days of my last job, we'd all talk and talk about each new round of layoffs and the legendary corporate fraud that helped cause it. Good times. Was never more relaxed or stress free. I miss those days.

Workin' for the man kept me healthy too. If I don't have someone constantly telling me what to do and how fast to do it, then I tend to lose all reason to live. It's a tragedy of epic proportions, let me tell you. The lost productivity fills me with guilt and anxiety. I am not contributing to the coffers of Corporate America nearly as much as I once was! The shame is nearly unbearable!! Hopefully the government will continue to step in and subsidize corporations where I have failed.


Mr Slippery said...

As a cubicle coder monkey, I feel your heartfelt comments and lament that you can't enjoy all the fruits of gainful nose-to-the-grindstone employment.

I am so engaged and eager to work that I rarely have time to read sarcasm reports. Not that I want to, since I prefer to dream up ways of making my boss look good. He usually arrives to work 90 minutes late, and I like to surprise him with some tangible work I have done and already given him credit for so he doesn't have to make the effort of taking credit himself.

I just realized the reason I am not rich is I didn't buy enough stocks. But that is a double-edged sword, because then I would be so rich I would be unemployed and bored.

Stagflationary Mark said...

Mr Slippery,

There is much wisdom in what you write.

If only your boss would show up 3 hours late. Does this person not understand how you could double the credit if given twice the time?

Whatever you do, do not bring it up though. As much as you might like to double the credit, there will be unintended consequences. This is exactly the sort of productivity improvement idea that can lead to mandatory all day productivity meetings. And if there is one thing I have learned, it is that these all day productivity meetings tend to require a lot of unproductive sitting.

Mandatory all day productivity meetings are not all bad though. I guess it all depends upon how easily bored one gets. My solution was to daydream about other all day productivity meetings, since we all know how difficult it is to be bored at work. The worst thing you can do is daydream about taking a long hike with a dog at your side on a nice sunny day. Trust me on this. It will send you down a boredom wormhole from which you may never recover.

Michael said...


I like what you have written here and it goes a great deal to your character. My plan is to ride this corporate treadmill for as long as it lasts. Looking at the way they are off shoring work and buying back shares I would say I would be "lucky" to get two more years. I already live well below my means so when this gig ends, I am going to follow your lead. I anticipate my dog will approve.

By the way you are teasing us again with parabolic failures, did you get your computer working again?

Stagflationary Mark said...


Beware the corporste ladder truck. Only shows up when "fire" happens. Very effective at permanently "rescuing" employees from the building though.

Computer permanently dead. Used girlfriend!s laptop. Painful, missing tools, but doable if I see something esoecially noteworthy to chart.

Rob Dawg said...

What depreciation schedule does the IRS allow for "used girlfriend!s"?

Stagflationary Mark said...

Rob Dawg,

It's 1% per year plus 75¢ per mile. You also get an earned income credit if there is only one remote control for the TV. There is no standard for that though. Turns out some girlfriends are more taxing than others.

Now look what you've done!

Bad Mark! Bad! Bad! ;)