Thursday, October 22, 2015

Corporate Guarantee of the Day

October 21, 2015
Subway starts measuring 'footlong' subs in response to lawsuit

Subway is putting its "footlong" subs up to a tape measure to guarantee the subs are actually what they advertise: 12-inches long.

Finally! It's a corporate guarantee that we can count on!

Subway maintains in the settlement agreement that due to variability in food production and the baking process, it "will never be able to guarantee that each loaf of bread will always be exactly 12 inches or greater in length after baking."

Or not, lol. Sigh.

In honor of this guarantee, I promise to never mention Jared again when talking about Subway in polite conversation. Yes, you heard me right. Jared will never be mentioned again. I promise! The last thing anyone wants to do is think about Jared when eating one of their sandwiches. You know, because of what Jared did.

Oops. I think my promise is getting off to a very poor start. Sorry about that! ;)


mab said...

After Jared pleaded guilty and was heading to prison, the NY Post had a headline that said something like: Enjoy your footlong!

I won't mention it again either!

Stagflationary Mark said...


Awesome! You just mentioned Jared without actually mentioning Subway! Nicely done.

Oh, crap. I just broke my promise again. No more talk of Jared and Subway from me again! Dammit.

Look, neither the "J" word nor the "S" word will ever be spoken by me again. That should solve all the problems with my promise.

Just to be clear, the "J" stands for Jared and the "S" stands for Subway.

Dammit. This is not as easy as it looks. ;)