The Sarcasm Report v.2

Fed Chief Vows to Protect the Economy
JACKSON, Wyo. (AP) -- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke vowed Friday to do all that is necessary to protect the national economy from the ill effects of a global credit crunch -- but not to bail out investors and lenders "from the consequences of their financial decisions."

Haven't I heard this speech before? So help me if Bernanke says "evil doers" I'm movin' to Canada. I may be 43 years old but the Army keeps cranking up the enlistment age (currently 42). It's comin' for me. I can feel it!

President Bush confidently predicted the country would safely weather the financial storm.

I believe he did provide a disclaimer though. Rumor has it that he also said, "As long as the levys don't break." Okay, I started the rumor. Right here. But it makes sense, doesn't it? Levys? As opposed to levees? Get it? Hahaha! *cough* *mumble* Um, all right, that was probably too easy.

Friday's comments -- made in separate appearances -- by Bernanke here and the president in Washington, sought to send a reassuring but tough love message. . . .

Yeah, I haven't been this reassured since Bush and Cheney split up after 911. Can't be having our leaders get too close together when danger appears, lest nobody is left to run the country.

While Bush announced steps Friday to help homeowners struggling to make their mortgage payments, he made clear he has no interest in bailing out lenders, some of whom got cocky, took on too much risk and ended up with bad loans.

Yeah, can't have people get all cocky and stuff. Before you know it they'll be swaggering, invading foreign countries, and looking for SMDs (snarks of mass destruction) using borrowed money.

In anxiously awaited remarks, Bernanke suggested the Fed's next move will be driven by economic considerations, not only in response to troubles of investors and lenders.

Sweet. The Fed's moves will be driven by economic considerations. That puts to rest my fear that they were using astrological considerations.

It is not the responsibility of the Federal Reserve -- nor would it be appropriate -- to protect lenders and investors from the consequences of their financial decisions," Bernanke said. "But. . . .

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a deflationary Christmas.

Bush, however, predicted the economy would get through the financial crisis and urged patience.

What's his track record on convictions? Um, I mean predictions. Oh Freud! You devil!

The unemployment rate, now at 4.6 percent, is expected to creep up to around 5 percent by the end of this year.

How the heck did that slip in there? Last I heard unemployment was low? Who authorized people to start looking out the front window?

I better stop there before my brain implodes.