The Crock of @#$% Report v.034

April 9, 2016
We are now witnessing Elon Musk’s slow-motion disruption of the global auto industry

If traditional automakers fear obsolescence, they aren’t showing it. “While we applaud and welcome any new competitors to market, BMW remains focused on delivering the most innovative, efficient and technologically advanced vehicles to our customers,” BMW spokeswoman Rebecca Kiehne told Quartz.

Yeah, I bet they applaud. Hahaha!!

The Crock of @#$% Report v.033

April 2, 2016
Trump predicts 'very massive recession' in U.S.

Trump vowed in the interview to wipe out the more than $19 trillion national debt "over a period of eight years," helped by a renegotiation of trade deals.

Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha! Stop it! Hahaha! You're killing me! Hahaha! My sides! Hahaha! Splitting! Hahaha! Liquids out my nose! Hahaha! Should not have drunk the Kool-Aid! Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha! The laughter pain! Hahaha! Rolling on hardwood floor! Hahaha! Should have picked room with plush carpeting! Hahaha! Make it stop! Hahaha! Can't catch my breath! Hahaha! Snake oil! Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha!

In all seriousness, it is not possible for the government to eliminate the debt of a 30-year treasury bond in just 8 years without defaulting on the obligation. Bankruptcy? Making America great again? Well, Trump ought to know. Sigh.

No, really. I own long-term treasuries and would love to discuss with Mr. Trump how he plans to magically turn them into short-term treasuries without violating the full faith and credit of the United States government. Last I heard we were not actually running a casino, at least not publicly.

And as for the claim that he could actually eliminate the whopping $19 trillion debt in just 8 years even as we're apparently on the verge of a massive recession, well, oh crap, here it comes again.

Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha! Stop it! Hahaha! You're killing me! Hahaha! Hard to balance a budget during a massive recession much less pay the debt down! Hahaha! OMG! Hahaha! Who would believe this? Hahaha! Damn these hardwood floors! Hahaha! My knees! Hahaha! Can't stop rolling! Hahaha! I should sue! Hahaha! Snake oil! Hahaha!

Forehead! Desk! Whack! Whack! Whack! Hahaha! Ouch! Hahaha!

The Crock of @#$% Report v.032

October 17, 2015
Frank Zorrilla, The Truth.

Chasing what was just hot and ditching what has been cold will burn you 9.9 out 10 times.

If that truly burns investors 99% of the time as is claimed, then we have just found a simple way to easily make massive sums of money in the stock market! We shall always short what was just hot and always embrace that which has been cold! Woohoo!

Apple stock sure started running hot about 5 years ago. Meanwhile, Radio Shack really, really started running cold. How much money would we have made selling Apple and buying Radio Shack? What? Not that much? Interesting. But is there a turnaround plan? Is there a quick comeback in the works?

October 16, 2015
Radio Shack makes quick comeback from bizarre accident

Yes! I knew it! As investors, this "accident" hasn't burned us yet!

“We are open for business. Come and see our new look,” he joked.

Joked? What?

Despite taking two-and-a-half tons of SUV through its front window Wednesday afternoon, Radio Shack was open for business as usual Thursday morning.

Ah, due to unexpectedly heavy traffic, Radio Shack was forced to do some much needed renovations, lol. Sigh.

In all seriousness, anyone who claims they have found a way investors are burned 99% of the time is also claiming they have found a way to make money 99% of the time. Good luck on that. You're going to need it.

If it was so easy making money in Wall Street's casino following simple little rules like this, then the major investment banks wouldn't feel the need to use advanced trading algorithms to compete with you. They'd simply ditch what has been hot and embrace what has been cold. 99% success. Easy peasy.

There are no simple ways to avoid pain when gambling. Anyone who says otherwise is more than likely trying to sell you something. That's the absolute truth as I see it.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.031

September 15, 2015
Hewlett-Packard will cut up to 30,000 jobs as part of restructuring

“We've done a significant amount of work over the past few years to take costs out and simplify processes, and these final actions will eliminate the need for any future corporate restructuring.”

This is the very last one-time non-recurring corporate restructuring charge investors in Hewlett-Packard will ever experience. Honest.

The split is expected by the end of October. Afterward, the company’s personal computer and printing business will become known as HP Inc., while its technology infrastructure, software and services businesses will be called Hewlett-Packard Enterprise.

That said, investors in HP Inc. and Hewlett-Packard Enterprises may experience a few more one-time non-recurring corporate restructuring charges at some point in the future, especially if either of them eventually slides into bankruptcy. But what are the odds of that?

August 14, 2015
Rating Action: Moody's downgrades Hewlett-Packard Company to Baa2; outlook stable

"HP's Baa2 rating reflects the anticipated spin-off the Enterprise business and the remaining company's strong to leading market positions in printing and personal computers, countered by the secular growth challenges in both segments that will persist for the foreseeable future," stated Richard Lane, Moody's Senior Vice President.

If there's one thing we can rely on, it's the foreseeable future.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.030

September 11, 2015
How to play a Fed rate hike: Experts

A Federal Reserve rate hike will have "absolutely" no impact on the value of equities, but because it will nonetheless move some stock prices, investors should be prepared to scoop up names that overreact, market pro Charlie Bobrinskoy said Friday.

Charlie Bobrinskoy just couldn't be satisfied by claiming that it would have a small, tiny, bitty, puny, minuscule, modest, slight, trifling, teeny, meager, microscopic, inconsequential, or trivial impact. No, sir. He had to say "absolutely" no impact.

1. Place one straw on camel's back.
2. Absolutely no impact?
3. Repeat.

You gotta start somewhere. When the back eventually breaks, should we blame just the last straw or was it a combination of all of them?

Butterfly effect

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state.

Perhaps Charlie Bobrinskoy would like to share his proof that the butterfly effect won't be in play here. How hard can it be? I'm confident that the global economic system is so simple that a child chosen at random can perform the simulation in his or her head. It should therefore be child's play for a market pro to do it!

I mean really, it's as easy as throwing dice.

The butterfly effect is exhibited by very simple systems. For example, the randomness of the outcomes of throwing dice depends on this characteristic to amplify small differences in initial conditions—the precise direction, thrust, and orientation of the throw—into significantly different dice paths and outcomes, which makes it virtually impossible to throw dice exactly the same way twice.

Oops. Bad example. Never mind.

You know what? F%^k it. The Fed should just raise rates to 20% for a few years and we'll count how many companies in the S&P 500 survive. All 500, right? It's the only way to be "absolutely" sure that rate hikes can't affect the value of companies.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.029

September 1, 2015
Money: 10 Things You Won't Believe Used to Cost $1,000

While today's calfs are incredibly valuable, going for $1,300 at auction, a grand used to buy you 35 animals.

What'? There's been inflation? Shocking! I can't believe it!!

You could even have a small herd of 10 for $1,000 up until the end of World War II, but after that, America's growing fast food addiction made beef a big business.

The US dollar lost 92.4% of its value from September of 1945 to July of 2015. I'm therefore fairly certain that America's growing fast food addiction had absolutely nothing to do with it. Might just as well be blaming the moon landing in 1969 for high beef prices too while you are at it.

$1,300 x 7.6% = $98.80

Funny how $98.80 is roughly the same as $100 (10 for $1,000). That means, in inflation adjusted terms, cattle are roughly the same price now as they were at the end of World War II.

I would never have believed it! Damn you inflation for making things so unbelievable!

Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.028

August 28, 2015
Robots will steal our jobs, but they’ll give us new ones

But the one thing it doesn't do, says J.P. Gownder, an analyst with the Boston-based tech research firm Forrester, is steal jobs.

Robots will steal our jobs but the one thing they won't do is steal jobs.

This has got to go down as the easiest Crock of @#$% Report ever! Woohoo!

Gownder predicts that new automation will cause a net loss of only 9.1 million jobs by 2025.

I might be wrong when I call it a crock of @#$%, but my math indicates that 9.1 million is greater than zero. If so, then robots will be taking some jobs away. I know. Call me crazy.

Humans must build these machines and program them and repair them.

Build them? Hello? Automated factories?
Program them? Hello? Artificial intelligence?
Repair them? Hello? Field Repair Bot 74A?

I saved the best for last.

You're going to see doctors taking more of the role that involves the personal interaction with patients and less of the role of trying to keep huge amounts of evidence in there head.

First, you did not just say "there head" did you? Writers should keep "their heads" clear. I will be the first to admit that my grammar isn't always perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but good grief. A robot would have never made that mistake. That makes it so much harder to believe what you say!

Second, I will eat my weight in gummy bears by day's end if the ultimate goal of hospitals and insurance companies is to turn highly compensated doctors into chat specialists. Put another way, I doubt very much that I will ever see "Extra Chatting" as an allowed charge on my insurance company's explanation of benefits.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.027

August 25, 2015
USA Today: Ask Matt: Why the 10% rule is important

The rule is very simple. If you own an individual stock that falls 10% or more from what you paid, you sell. Period. You don't rationalize the loss and wait for the "good stock" to "come back."

Oh, man. Don't you see what this means? We have just found a get rich quick scheme that is bound to work!

All we have to do is find a stock that is down 10% from a recent high, assume someone else bought it at that price (a very reasonable assumption), and then short the hell out of it! The rule says they should sell so that means we can safely sell too! Just think of the money we'll make!

And what better time to do this than yesterday afternoon! The entire market was down 10% from its recent high! Opportunities like that sure don't come around very often! Sell it all! Short the entire market! Borrow against the house if need be! What a great plan!!

Hold on. Why are the Dow futures currently showing a 500+ point spike to the upside? How are we going to make easy money shorting the entire market using the 10% rule as our guide? WTF!

We may need to rethink the strategy. It's possible that we shouldn't believe everything we read. It's also possible the 10% simple rule is a bit too simple-minded to go head to head with the advanced trading algorithms of professional traders.

You know what? The more I think about it, the more the 10% rule is sounding like a preachy crock of @#$%. Perhaps someone should ask Warren Buffett how many times he has used it.

In all seriousness, I have used the 10% rule in the past. It was enormously frustrating. I bought a new car, drove it off the lot, and bam! I was forced to sell it. Period. I therefore drove right back onto the lot and bought a different new car. I used the previous one as the trade in. This continued a few more times. I'd be on that lot today if I hadn't run out if money. Oops. I said I was going to be serious. Good luck on that theory! Hahaha! :)

The Crock of @#$% Report v.026

August 11, 2015
This is 'more damaging...than the Great Recession'

"Productivity growth is the primary driver of gains in real wages." - Paul Ashworth, chief U.S. economist at Capital Economics

1. When your job is outsourced to China to improve productivity, what happens to your paycheck?

2. When your job is replaced by a fully automated factory robot to improve productivity, what happens to your paycheck?

3. If the high speed androids of the future are able to work each and every hour of each and every day to improve productivity, what will happen to your paycheck if you can't keep up with them?

Your paycheck becomes a crock of @#$%. That's what. Sigh.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.025

August 9, 2015
Millennials are saving — but they’re doing it wrong

There’s just one problem, however: That skittish mentality has pushed 20-somethings to keep their money in the modern equivalent of under the mattress or in checking or savings accounts where it accrues little interest, instead of investing...

1. You cannot claim that someone is saving wrong if they are accumulating money in a savings account or stuffing money under a mattress, any more than you can claim a child is saving wrong if the child continues to jam coins into their piggy bank. By definition, both are saving exactly right.

2. You cannot claim that someone is saving right if they are spending money to invest, on the hopes of making their money grow. Spending money is definitely not the definition of saving.

3. You cannot claim that someone is investing wrong if they are not investing at all, any more than it would make sense to argue that I am currently playing football wrong as I type this post from a reclining position on my couch. I cannot be playing football wrong if I am not actually playing football. Go figure. And for the record, there isn't even a football in my house.

4a. Even if you foolishly disagree with the definitions of saving and investing, you still cannot claim that Millennials are doing it wrong. Only hindsight can prove that. There is no guarantee that risky investments must increase in value over the long-term just because they generally have in the past. Past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results. It's one of the first things every potential investor is told to read. There are no sure things!

4b. If you claim Millennials are doing it wrong, then it is therefore just your opinion. 25 cents and an opinion could once buy you a cup of coffee. The opinion, of course, was optional.

5. It is my opinion, as a retired long-term saver, that skittish Millennials should consider U.S. Savings Bonds (especially inflation protected I-Bonds) as an alternative to stuffing mattresses with cash. I cannot guarantee that hindsight will be kind to that opinion, but it is something I have done and plan to continue to do.

This is not investment or saving advice, other than perhaps to point out that investing and saving are not the same thing, which is readily apparent if one has a dictionary handy.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.024

August 6, 2015
McDonald's cuts 225 jobs in push to revive business

NEW YORK (AP) -- McDonald's says it is cutting about 225 corporate jobs as part of a push intended to revitalize its flagging business.

1. I know this may seem hard to believe, but I have never picked a restaurant to dine at based on the number of employees it had at its corporate headquarters.

2. On the one hand, if the typical employee at its corporate headquarters is making bad decisions, then reducing the number of them could reduce the damage they are doing. I'll give you that. However, that in and of itself, cannot revitalize the flagging business. It would simply slow its decline into the abyss.

3. On the other hand, if the typical employee at its corporate headquarters is actually making good decisions, then reducing the number of them will also reduce the number of good decisions that are made. This would accelerate its decline into the abyss.

4. Has McDonald's not been paying attention to what that whiz kid genius Lampert over at Sears has been doing to revitalize its flagging business? It's starting to look like the same f%^king game plan!

The Crock of @#$% Report v.023

August 5, 2015
Global Oil Supply More Fragile Than You Think

More fragile than I think? Perhaps the author is blissfully unaware that I watched Jarhead last night, lol. Sigh.



Perhaps it is just me, but those look like some pretty frickin' fragile oil wells. Since war is not mentioned anywhere in the article, and war seems to be the long-term plan for the Middle East, then perhaps the global oil supply is more fragile than the author thinks.

“It’s a monumental challenge to offset the impact of a 50% drop in oil price,” Fadel Gheit, an analyst with Oppenheimer & Co., told the WSJ. “The priorities have shifted completely. The priority now is to discontinue budget spending. The priority is to live within your means. Forget about growth. They are now in survival mode.”

Oil executives are starting to think just like me, a retired anonymous blogger who is very concerned about our long-term future. Uh, oh. Things are clearly worse than I thought.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.022

August 1, 2015
CNBC: Making sense of a wild ride for the Chinese economy

On Friday, China was awarded the 2022 Winter Olympics, which will make it the first country to host both Summer and Winter Games. But that wasn't the big news out of China in the past week.

1932 Summer Olympics

Host city: Los Angeles, California, United States

1932 Winter Olympics

Host city: Lake Placid, New York, United States

Bejing may be the first city to host both the summer and winter games, but China clearly can't be the first country to host them both. When an article starts off with a crock of @#$% "fact", how much credibility should I give its opinions?

CNBC might want to look into the Great Depression someday. There's no telling what else they might find. 1932! What a year!! The United States was unstoppable! Oh, sure. There was a tiny problem with our stock market, but nothing our government couldn't eventually fix!

Well, with the help of Imperial Japan and Nazi Germany anyway. In hindsight, what an awesome global stimulus package that was. Cranking out ships, tanks, planes, and ammunition, taking on debt, bombing factories, rebuilding them, innovating, making the world a better place. Keynesian economic paradise!

The Crock of @#$% Report v.021

Fortune: 100 Best Companies to Work For: 28. World Wide Technology

With 29 sites in the U.S., supplier of high-tech products works hard to keep all hands in the loop.

Fortune.com has dramatically underestimated the value of this perk!

Many people would pay a small fortune to keep all hands in the loop! This company should easily be in the top 10!

July 31, 2015
Man Allegedly Spent $470K on Strippers With Company Credit Card

Investigators allege Berrett spent more than $476,000 on his World Wide Technology company credit card to not only purchase tokens redeemable on a site where "women perform stripping routines via webcam," but also to tip and buy gifts for strippers. He reportedly paid one $26,800 so she could pay for her college tuition bill, new tires for her car and her parents' utility bill.

This is the kind of perk generally reserved for the CEO. All hands in the loop? Might be the best company to work for in the whole world! And the best part? It's a private company! Or, at the very least, would like to be!

The Crock of @#$% Report v.020

July 27, 2015
Fortune: Student loan debt is not hurting America's housing market

The problem is, there isn’t any proof that higher student loan debt is actually causing young people to own homes at lower rates than they did in the past, or that the overall student loan burden is leading to a smaller share of first-time home buyers.

Agreed! $1.36 trillion in student loan debt is just the tiniest of straws. There's no proof that it is hurting the housing market camel in the slightest!



Do you want to know something else? There isn't any proof that Fortune.com can stop me from clicking on its subscribe link. Not one single shred of evidence! Might do it right now! Might do it tomorrow! There's just no telling how soon I might click on it. ;)

The Crock of @#$% Report v.019

July 28, 2015
How much money you need to save each day to become a millionaire by age 65

It also assumes a 12% annual return.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.018

July 25, 2015
The oil crash has done nothing for America

Not only is it impacting Visa directly, but the company also said this is adding up to a more or less stagnant economy.



And so this increased saving, on some level, is fine and well for American consumers.

The fall in oil prices has clearly helped Americans, but it certainly hasn't helped America! Not one bit!

Where's a frickin' terrorist when we need one? Maybe disrupt some oil in the Middle East? Get our troops back into action and get oil prices up past the $100 level again!

At the very least, each and every one of us should hope for the mother of all hurricanes to sweep through the Gulf of Mexico! Let's reduce those rig counts and get Visa back on their game! Just think of the increased consumer credit card spending if the hurricane touches land! Cha-ching!

Because, as we all know deep down, what is best for Visa is best for America! If Visa says lower oil prices are stagnating this economy then somebody needs to do something about it!

Too much sarcasm? I know it must get tiring for me to keep asking, but I don't want to alienate any Visa executives who might read this blog on a daily basis. That would be the last thing I would ever want to do! From a deeply sarcastic standpoint, trust me on this.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.017

July 23, 2015
Ferrari IPO could come by end of year

"Ferrari controls the number of cars it produces, so they have power to set prices."

1. Every company on this planet controls the amount of goods and services it produces. Every single one.

2. If that's all it took to have the power to set prices, then we would have a never ending stream of global hyperinflation.

The Illusion of Prosperity Burger Cafe

Attention customers. Due to the rising popularity of our gourmet burgers made from only the healthiest and freshest ingredients, in combination with our desire to have more free time to pursue outdoor recreational interests, we will be limiting our burger production for the remainder of the summer. Our new restaurant hours will be 1pm to 2pm on Wednesdays. We will be creating a single exclusive burger each week. One and only one customer will have the privilege and honor of eating it. Since our power to set prices is based on having complete control over our production, the burger will be sold at a minimum price of $100,000. An additional fee of $20,000 will grant you full access to the condiment bar, where you will find a single exclusive whole onion handpicked by our master chef, a cutting board made from premium hard maple, and a top of the line J.A. Henckels' stainless steel knife second to none. Nothing but the best for our weekly customer! Bon appétit!

The Crock of @#$% Report v.016

July 18, 2015
Trump Worth $10 Billion Less Than If He’d Simply Invested in S&P 500

Imagine Trump had retired in 1982, sold his real estate holdings and invested his $500 million in the S&P 500 — that is, 500 stocks representing the American stock market.

Okay, I'm imagining a guy worth $500 million putting every last penny of it into the stock market in 1982, perfectly timing the start of the bull market in a most undiversified way I might add. I'm imagining him not touching any of it for 30+ years so that it can really grow.

I'm imagining him with no job, no ability to pay rent, no ability to buy food, no ability to buy a small economy car. I'm imagining this multi-millionaire with a small cardboard sign asking those who walk past him on the street to spare a few dimes for a guy down on his luck.

Per this calculator, every dollar invested in January 1982 would have been worth $40 by December of 2014. That means Trump’s initial $500 million would have grown to $20 billion. That’s twice what Trump says he’s worth today.

I'm imagining what a guy in his tax bracket must have done to avoid paying any taxes on all of those dividends and capital gains over the years. I'm imagining this poor homeless man being charged with tax evasion. I'm imagining him going to prison for the rest if his life.

You can beat The Donald

If by beating the Donald you mean that I can become a wealthy homeless man, who never under any circumstances spends a penny of it, who will instead someday be "spending" the rest of my life in prison, then I gotta tell you just one thing. I pass.

Only one thing could sweeten the deal for me. Could I tap some of that worth to buy cat food occasionally? I think my life would significantly improve with a herd of 15 cats or so continually scurrying around me. If it is my plan to be crazy, then I'd really like to look the part. As an added bonus, I could share their food when times get tough!

The Crock of @#$% Report v.015

I know what you must be thinking. Two crock of @#$% reports on the same day? What must it mean? Let me calm your fears by pointing out that it is Crock of @#$% Monday! A magical day filled with opportunities and wondrous adventures! :)

July 13, 2015
The 3 Best Stocks to Hold For the Next Decade

Many investors often accidentally buy the 3 worst stocks. I'm sure glad Investopedia has finally taken all the guess work out of it.

When it became clear that the stock market recovery was legit, not a dead cat bounce, investors clamored to get off the sidelines and back into the market. With the renewed bull market entering its sixth year, many investors have finally regained the confidence to put their money back in stocks for the long haul.

So let me get this straight. Many investors sold after stocks had fallen dramatically. These same investors then clamored to get back in after stocks had risen dramatically. And I'm now led to believe that they have put their money in stocks for the long haul? Seriously? The long haul? The Great Recession has permanently cured them of their fear and/or impulsive ways? Did I just fall off the back of a turnip truck?

Tesla: However, most analysts are steadfast that oil and gas will never again be as cheap as they were in the 1990s and before.

Well, if most analysts are convinced then it must be a sure thing. As we all know, analysts as a group are never wrong. And long-time readers know how much I love investing in sure things. Can't lose! Not possible! In fact, that's why investors around the world have embraced Tesla as the first risk-free stock of the modern era. No possible downside. Only guaranteed upside!

Chipotle: Year-over-year comparable restaurant sales continue to average over 10%, with no slowdown forecast for the foreseeable future.

I gotta get me one of these crystal balls that can accurately foresee the foreseeable future. Think of all the money I'd make always knowing what would happen in just the next 10 minutes, much less the next 10 years. My day trading powers would be unstoppable!

Under Armour: The popularity of working out is gaining rapidly, and everyone joining the trend needs quality clothes to work out in.

I had no idea that I was working out incorrectly. I assumed that throwing on any old cheap clothes, within the confines of my own house, would be sufficient. After all, 20 minutes or so can degrade the quality anyway, what with all that sweat. I suppose that if I was wearing quality workout clothes then I might not "need" to take a shower afterwards though. That's worth something. You know, because my dashing apparel could offset all that stink and make me very popular with all the ladies. Hahaha!

Just don't tell it to my girlfriend. After a long workout, I'll often come downstairs and ask for a hug. She always rejects me. Why is that? In fact, she won't even allow me to give our furry dogs a big hug either. It's a shame too, because our dogs would dry me off even faster than a towel! What a waste of a good natural resource that is. Hahaha!

Seriously, everyone "needs" quality clothes to workout in about as much as everyone "needs" Coach designer wallets and handbags to hold their cash. It's totally optional. I am more than comfortable wearing cheap, black, 100% nylon, breathable, Russell Athletic shorts to workout in. Purchased a decade ago. They are holding up fantastic. No fading. Simple to clean, wash after wash.

Would I invest in Russell Athletics? Probably not. The "cheap" shorts are holding up way too well. It is therefore unlikely that I will become a repeat customer. I bought 8 pairs and am apparently done buying them. That said, I have thought about buying some cheap 100% nylon shirts to go with them. Just can't seem to justify the "need". Either that, or I'm too lazy to go shopping for bargains. Who can really say for sure? I can't. ;)