The Faces of Cabin Fever

River is at her wits’ end, desperately clinging to any sense of normalcy.



Meanwhile, Dexter has chosen to escape reality into the world of video games. Cats. Go figure.

Our pets take after their human parents.

I’m not suggesting that all we’re doing is clinging to pillows and playing video games during a pandemic. Far from it. We’ve also been walking, eating, and watching TV. In fact, we’re currently watching the local protesting and looting news going on right now in downtown Seattle. I think that’s much more than just cabin fever gone wild though.

Some have claimed there is a lot of pent-up demand due to the pandemic. Seems to be a lot of pent-up demand for justice, tear gas, burning police cruisers, and/or freshly looted Nordstrom purses and perfume.

At what point do we tire of all this winning? Sigh.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Retirement Quizes

March 30, 2017
MarketWatch: Most Americans failed this eight-question retirement quiz

Q: About what percentage of your savings do many financial experts suggest you withdraw annually in retirement?

Why would I even care what "many" financial experts would suggest? Many financial experts suggest many things, especially when it concerns the money of others. Take Ben "There's No Housing Bubble to Go Bust" (2005) Bernanke or Ken "Housing Boom!" (2007) Fisher, for examples.

Q: Given the current average life expectancy, if you want to retire at age 65, about how long would you need your retirement savings to last?

The correct answer is 87, or 22 years after a retirement age of 65, according to Social Security Administration data.

No, the correct answer is not the life expectancy of people similar to you. You need your money to last until you actually do die. 87 would have been horrible advice to my mom, who died at age 93 this year, and to both of her brothers who lived into their 90s. Don't even get me started on my aunt currently rooting for Gonzaga at the age of 94!

I know that there are 6 other questions to heckle, but I must stop at 25%. My time is still worth something to me. Using advanced statistical algorithms based on mood, available sunshine, expected life expectancy, and current video game addictions, I currently estimate it to be exactly $6.77 per hour. I know it is below the federal minimum wage, but it's a fact. Trust me.

P.S. Eddie Lampert, if you are reading this then please don't build up your hopes that I will be shopping at Sears just because my free time is only currently worth $6.77. I still consider it to be worth far more than temporary shopping experiences at any mall. It doesn't help your cause that I recently bought a video game on my phone for just 99 cents, and have experienced nearly 100 hours of enjoyment from it so far. A penny an hour? See? My free time is practically priceless by comparison! ;)

Consumer Confidence: Party Like It's 2007!

September 27, 2016
Consumer confidence jumps to highest level since 2007

WASHINGTON - U.S. consumer confidence rose in September to the highest level in nine years.

Can you blame consumers for being so optimistic?

1. As in 2008, we are about to elect a new president! And with two extremely popular candidates to choose from, we can't lose no matter who we pick! Hurray!

2. Although Eddie Lampert is doing everything in his power to destroy department store jobs, he's just one man and there just aren't that many jobs left! Hey Jeff Bezos, ever play Mortal Kombat? This one's for you!



3. Thanks to the Fed's zero interest rate policy, the average credit card rate is just 15.22%! Never been a better time to borrow money to buy that cheap plastic dream item from China!

4. Although there have been roughly 20 recessions since the Fed was created, there will be no more recessions! We have finally achieved a permanently mediocre plateau of sub-par growth! That's right. We are stronger than ever before as we hobble and stumble along into the future! Perfectly fine as long as no external shocks ever appear again! Woohoo!

Livin' the dream!!

Department Store Chains Just Need to Connect with Younger Shoppers

The following is a review of Galaxy on Fire 2 in Apple's App Store.

So at first I saw this gam I thought that it was gonna be another lame game so I looked at the pictures and I said this game has very good graphics so I downloaded it forgetting that there was another Galaxy on fire so I didn't even download that and I had no idea what I had to do so I went and did the tutorial and I was soo excited to buy a new ship so I was trying to figure out where do I go to buy a new ship and I couldn't find it so I'm like I probably have to go further in the campaign so I did so I went and bought the cheapest ship I can find I flew it for hours and then I resumed doing the campaign and two hours later I ended it and then I saw that there was more to it so I bought all of the Dlc's and then it took me another 8 hours to end the rest of the campaign. Also I have one thing to ask you can you put it to the point where you can change your view into the cockpit and make the game multiplayer thanks and can you also add more things to the campaign. Thank you for making a game this good to the point I can't stop playing it. - ghjdfjhgfdhjzd

This isn't rocket science. If you are the CEO of a struggling department store chain, then you should know exactly what to do now.

Give up? Close stores? Lay off workers? What?

No, no, no! Simply connect with your future customer base! Don't be silly!

September 17, 2010
Los Angeles Times: Department stores reach out to capture young shoppers

The department store industry, coming off its worst year in three decades of market share decline, is mounting an all-out battle for the next generation of shoppers.

It's been 6 years. The department store industry may have lost nearly every battle, but the war is not lost yet. One must admire the ongoing tenacity in the face of perpetual doom!

Confessions of a Patient and Frugal Video Game Addict (Part 2)

In part one, you may recall that I said:

The funny part is that even as a patient and frugal gamer, I could feel the temptation. I'm starting to burnout on the game a bit. If I paid the $20, I could back away from the game. That's when it hit me. The worst possible time to spend $20 on a game is when you are starting to burnout! What an epiphany! Hahaha!

Full burnout achieved! Best $20 I never spent! That sure didn't take long! Hahaha!

Although I have 2,869 gold in reserve (enough gold to make many players salivate), and could easily coast for more than a month on it alone, I am quitting the game forever today. Game uninstalled. Poof.

The new update is out and there wasn't even a moment's rest. Four more expensive high end cars were added to drain our gold. Further, the weekly time trials were reset. This means that we have to compete in four separate time trials this week instead of just the normal one. This doesn't mean much to those who haven't played the game, of course, so let me just say that it is four times the work for the same reward. Further, I'll be traveling this coming week for 4th of July festivities. Can't think of a better time to quit. And then there's hiking season. It's here! It will be much better for my health than a mobile video game, and I won't be complaining one bit.

This is not a rant though. I enjoyed the game immensely. It's just a perfectly normal progression from great fun to burnout. That said, there is an amusing rant that I would like to share.

Real Racing 3 Wikia: No Compromise

GODDAMN IT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU FIREMONKEYS????? Not even 1 Day to rest after the Le Mans event???? Are you kidding me?!?!?! I wanted to progress a bit in the career for pete's sake NOOOPPPE not happening. Oh look! 670 GC in my bank and GUESS WHAT? BAM! Ferrari FXXK. BAM! Lotus Exige S 360! BAM! Lotus 3-Eleven! BAM! Lotus Type 125. 4 cars, another 1000 Gold to be spent in the span of 1 month. Enjoy, lads! Hint: Firemonkeys are already feverishly working on the next half dozen GOLD COINS cars that will release right after these events finish.

- 4 hours ago by A Wikia contributor

I think I know who this is. It's Cartman from South Park! Hahaha!!

People like free stuff. No doubt about it. Not sure free stuff that makes one swear is worth it though, but hey, maybe that's just me!

As a side note, I'm never getting roped into a game that demands my continual attention again. You can take that to the bank. It eventually starts to feel like an obligation. Go figure.

I have other games ready to play. Looking forward to playing more Crash Dive (WW2 sub simulator) and Starbase Orion (space exploration and conquest), both of which can be played at a leisurely pace, with absolutely no time pressure. Life is good. :)

One last bit of advice for those who are just now starting to play Real Racing 3:

Do yourself a huge favor. Do not attempt to complete it. Do not feel compelled to compete in the weekly time trials. Do not complete every special event. Do not collect every car. Simply enjoy it as the good free racing game that it is. Otherwise, it will consume your free time and/or money with reckless abandon. I say this as a video game addict. It's hard enough for people who have played for years to keep up. You have little chance, and even if you do ultimately succeed before you burnout, this free game will extract a serious toll.

Confessions of a Patient and Frugal Video Game Addict

June 24, 2016
The New Yorker: CLASH OF CLANS PROVES THAT OUR IMPATIENCE IS WORTH BILLIONS

This week, the China-based company Tencent Holdings paid 8.6 billion dollars for a controlling stake in Supercell, and therefore a stake in our need for instant gratification. Tencent is the biggest Internet company in China, with a market value of more than two hundred billion dollars. It controls one of China’s biggest Web portals, the messaging app WeChat, with seven hundred million active users, and League of Legends, an online multiplayer game that reportedly had 1.6 billion dollars in sales in 2015.

Good grief. Our founding fathers are rolling over in their "service economy" graves right now. I hope you realize that.

One writer described racking up nine thousand dollars in expenses in Game of War: Fire Age, a mobile game that featured Kate Upton in an ad that ran during the 2015 Super Bowl. Many people—“healthy people,” Baron clarified—choose to spend that money because the feelings they get from the game are worth it to them. “They’re willing to spend five bucks to save themselves three days’ worth of time, because they value what they want to value.”

$9,000 for instant gratification? Are we insane? This type of gamer is basically paying for me, so I don't need to.

Take Real Racing 3. I'm addicted. I've spent a grand total of $5.46 (on a starter pack which removed some in-game advertising). I've played 2,813 hours so far and reached level 633. I've accumulated 41,701 gold (most of it spent). I consistently rank in the top 5% in the weekly time trials. I currently own all 151 cars and show 100% completed (until the next update). That's right, I've been seriously addicted. It's been fun though. No complaints.

A few days ago they offered to sell me 1,019 gold for $19.99. That's an 80% discount to their normal price of $99.99. At my level, it would take roughly 70 hours of game play to earn that much extra gold.

On the one hand, paying $20 to save me from playing 70 extra hours would seem like a very good deal.

On the other hand, why on earth would I pay NOT to play the game? I either like the game, or I don't. If I no longer enjoy the game, then there is a much cheaper alternative. It costs me absolutely nothing to quit!

It's insane to think that I would pay $20 to free me from having to play the game. Where would it end? Could they tempt me to pay another $20 not to play again? Perhaps. It's insane!

The funny part is that even as a patient and frugal gamer, I could feel the temptation. I'm starting to burnout on the game a bit. If I paid the $20, I could back away from the game. That's when it hit me. The worst possible time to spend $20 on a game is when you are starting to burnout! What an epiphany! Hahaha!

Electronic Arts can pry the $20 from my cold dead fingers. They'll have to wait in line though. Over the years, there are so many things building up. Take my savings bonds and long-term inflation protected treasuries, for example. Years ago I said they could pry them from my cold dead fingers too, as I intended to hold to maturity. With interest rates as low as they are today, I'm clutching them tighter than ever. Go figure.

We live in a very impatient and fast-moving world. You want to know what concerns me most though? How many more impatient itchy trigger fingers are hovering over the global economy's stock market sell buttons? The wealth effect could very easily continue to unravel. What goes up quickly and seemingly effortlessly can also come down quickly and seemingly effortlessly. Can't really have one without the other. Neither quick moves up nor quick moves down imply strong and resilient stability. Sigh.

The Sarcasm Report v.255

June 17, 2016
Yahoo Finance: America's hidden epidemic: food addiction

We hide it so well!



That's it. I'm ending my food addiction.

I went cold turkey today, with mayonnaise, three sliced olives, a slice of Swiss cheese, and two slices of whole wheat bread. Seriously. Ending an addiction has never been so easy!



What can I say? I'm addicted to the craziest things. Food, water, oxygen, and video games! Ridiculous!

In all seriousness, I don't think we can end our food addiction. We actually do NEED food. It's not like gambling, debt, cigarettes, or cocaine. I think we can all agree that many of us, myself included, would be doing better if we ate less though.

Eat fewer calories. Burn more calories.

This isn't exactly rocket science. My optimal diet book still needs more work though. There are 20% more words than needed.

Calories? Eat fewer. Burn more.

Much better! Needs a title. Hey, why don't I just move the contents to the title? That way the book won't need any pages! Think of the money that will be saved on printing costs! Genius!

Uh, oh. Did I type this in public? Don't you dare steal all five words of my optimal diet book! It could be worth millions! Hahaha! :)

Hot New Trend: Assisted Living

June 4, 2016
Yahoo Finance: I checked out WeWork's 'communal housing,' and now I'm considering a move

Of course, the concept of communal housing isn’t novel. But WeLive aims to combine the best aspects of dorms, boutique hotels and apartments, and it charges up to $2,800 a month for this unique living situation. If you’ve ever stepped into a WeWork, there’s an inviting, modern, minimalist aesthetic that’s been infused into WeLive, too.

Isn't novel? Junior assisted living is the best thing since senior assisted living! So what's the catch?

There’s a laundry room with ping pong and pool tables, arcade games and beer on tap. Members do have to pay for laundry — $2 for a wash, $2 for a dry. And there’s an unmanned “honesty corner” with toiletries for sale. Members use their WeLive app to pick up a bottle of shampoo or a tube of toothpaste if they’re running low and are feeling too lazy to run to Walgreens (WBA). Essentially, WeLive wants to be your one-stop shop for anything you need.

Too lazy to run to Walgreens? What? Something tells me those Viagra prescriptions, boxes of condoms, and home pregnancy test kits aren't going to just magically appear in the honesty corner! Hey, what age group is this place aimed at? Lots of single young men and women living together in a coed-dorm environment and all they can think up is shampoo and toothbrushes? That's it? Seriously? Hahaha!

Seems like they've got the game room covered but what about all the other stuff? Fitness center? Computer lab? Media center? And where are the P-Patch planters? Seems like they don't understand their target market at all!

Well, I hope they at least thought to put mirrored ceilings above the communal waterbeds. Give it that retro 70s feel. Very popular with the ladies.



Enjoy life at Tri-Court with amazing new amenities: fitness center, computer lab, media center, game room, even P-Patch planters. Just be over age 60 with a moderate income.

Bad Mark. Bad! Bad!

I may have seriously crossed the line of polite conversation today. So be it. Behold the power of anonymous blogging. Hahaha! :)

First World Problem of the Day

In Real Racing 3, a game I play for free on my Apple iPhone, I can currently earn up to 5 pretend gold per day by watching up to 5 advertisements. I watch all 5 back-to-back.

Ad #1


Reaction: Microsoft is making Kenya a better place. Nice. I've seen this ad so many times in the past few days though. So many times. Mute. Avert eyes.

Ad #2


Reaction: Crap. Not that ad again. Continue to mute! Avert eyes!

Ad #3


Reaction: F#%k me. Turn phone upside down. Stare at it for 30 seconds in contempt.

Ad #4


Reaction: F%^k Microsoft. Up the #%^*ing #%^!!!

Ad #5


Reaction: Microsoft! To the last, I will grapple with thee! From hell's heart, I stab at thee! For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee!



Hey, I'm no saint. I have my share of really stupid first world problems too. I own it. Hahaha! :)

P.S. Apologies to Microsoft shareholders. I didn't mean to imply that the advertising isn't 100% effective. Oh, it is. I assure you. Microsoft. Microsoft. Microsoft. Microsoft. Microsoft. See? Can't stop talking about the company which once sold me products. ;)

Jeremy Siegel: "We're in the First Inning"

May 25, 2016
CNBC: Siegel: We're in ‘first inning’ of a big shift that's great for stocks

And contrary to those who argue that many dividend payers have become overvalued and are due for a drop, Jeremy Siegel says the rush to dividend names is just beginning.

The best part?

WORLDS LONGEST BASEBALL GAME! 320 INNINGS!!!!!

The Hole Retail Story

May 18, 2016
Yahoo Finance: The whole retail story in 2 earnings announcements

The divergent quarterly results of Lowe’s (LOW) and Target (TGT) on Wednesday confirm a trend in consumer spending: Americans are spending less on apparel while spending lots in home-related categories.

Are people still shopping at grocery stores? Buying cars? Filling their prescriptions? Eating at restaurants? Buying gasoline? Furniture? Electronics? Sporting goods? Shopping online? How's Eddie Lampert at Sears holding up? Are there any Memorial Day sales this year? Are we going to have a great Christmas? How about next year? Have robots replaced all the retail employees yet? Is Walmart still hiring older workers to greet shoppers and make sure nobody is leaving the stores without paying? How about the bathroom situation? Have we finally figured out who can use which ones? Has Cramer chimed in yet? Is Ackman still shorting Herbalife? When can I expect sales taxes to go up again? Why don't they ever seem to fall? Are Canadians still coming down to buy stuff or is our dollar too strong? Would now be a good time to buy stuff in Canada? How about Apple? The gaming industry? People still downloading apps? Any good ones I don't know about?

Oops. That's one helluva paragraph. Sorry about that. Unfortunately, I have many more questions to ask. I don't know. Seems like I'm missing part of the whole retail story, but maybe that's just me.

So help me, if I get to the last page of this whole book and find out the butler did it, this story's gonna suck.

Dammit. That was supposed to be the end of my post but... Are people still buying physical books? Or are they all electronic now? What's the current Emergency Room Bill to College Textbook price ratio? Why do those two seem so linked? Coincidence? How can textbooks be so expensive when most books with text are so cheap? Where has Borders gone? Is Barnes & Noble next? What will replace them? Will our strip malls shrink? How about nail salons? Can there ever be too many?

Gasping for breath! I need to know!! Are...

To Be Continued

Quote of the Day

May 20, 2016
CNBC: Signs of fear are running rampant through the market

The fear out there is that there is another shoe to drop somewhere down the road. - Michael Cohn, chief investment strategist at Atlantis Asset Management

Meanwhile...

May 20, 2016
Wall Street Journal: Foot Locker Posts Drop in Basketball Shoe Business

Decline in youth participation in certain sports coupled with the broadening casual-athletic trend weighed on sales at Foot Locker’s Eastbay chain, which focuses on selling gear to high school athletes.

Today's kids don't need basketball shoes to play basketball. They just need a couch and a video game controller, lol. Sigh.



Full Disclosure: I play video games a lot, and almost always barefooted. Seriously.

A Special Thank You!

On this Friday the 13th, I think it is only fitting that I thank this blog's 13 followers (seriously) for making this site what it is today. You and me together, making the world a better place one sarcastic post at a time! Thank you!!



Very bad Mark. Very bad! Very bad! Hahaha! :)

I won't be posting much in the next two days. It's double fame weekend in Real Racing 3. That means I'll be farming twice as much pretend gold as I normally would, nearly endlessly circling a race track that I've already nearly endlessly circled. Round and round I go. I can then use this pretend gold to buy and upgrade pretend cars, all without ever having to leave my couch. It's a miracle of the modern economy I tell you! A miracle!!

Have no fear. My next post, before the markets open on Monday, will shock and amaze you as I describe in great detail how to spot a table pounding screaming bargain, thanks to an article I found at Seeking Alpha. Good stuff. Stay tuned, but for now just enjoy your weekend! You deserve it. :)

Sarcasm Report v.253

May 3, 2016
What to Do If You Suspect a Coworker Is Struggling With Depression

Ask what their plans are for the weekend, or how they plan to spend an upcoming holiday.

This is is the perfect question to ask a coworker in the computer gaming industry, whose current project is way behind schedule.

Other good questions are:

1. Enjoying the merger much?

2. Been reading about our company's fraud on the front page of the Wall Street Journal this month?

3. Did you survive the last round of layoffs too? Disappointed?

4. Do you feel like a schmuck? You know, like our CEO?

November 9, 1998
A Merger Made in Hell The inside story of the decade's dumbest deal. One man ran his company like boot camp, the other like summer camp. Which is why, even before the Cendant scandal broke, it was already...

But Silverman did not emerge unscathed either. His reputation as a genius dealmaker was shredded. And his reputation as a CEO who could deliver for Wall Street was also wrecked. "The premium success story of the 1990s was HFS," moans Silverman today. "We blew it up with this one transaction." Now, he tells friends, "I feel like a schmuck."

Memory lane. Been there, done that. Good times, lol. Sigh.

Today's Confession

There was a time when I never clicked on ads, and I do mean never.

Times have changed. These days, I click on ads quite a bit.

So, what's changed? Is it because I'm generally interested in the ads and am looking to make a purchase? No, that's not it. Is it that I'm looking to support the website by actively clicking on their ads to help their revenue stream? No, that's not it either.

So, what exactly is it? Well, I'll tell you. My iPhone's screen is small in relation to the size of my finger. The close box of an ad is smaller still. Therefore, when I attempt to close an annoying popup ad, I often miss and accidentally click on the ad instead. At times, there may even be some mumbled swearing involved.

That is a f%^king awesome business model, if you ask me. If you are an advertiser, you are definitely getting your money's worth. Just be sure to factor in the amount of money I've actually spent on your products based on all that clicking that I am doing. It's a nice, round number per click. Works out to $0.00. Try not to spend it all in the same place, lol. Sigh.

Why am I bringing this up?

April 27, 2016
Facebook shares surge on strong mobile ad growth

As a side note, I play Real Racing 3 on my iPhone. I feel guilty receiving gold (in-game currency) for watching ads. Why? Well, I often mute the sound and my eyes often drift off the screen. Not sure how effective the ads actually are if I can neither hear nor see them. Hey Electronic Arts, let's just keep that a secret between you and me though. Oops. My bad.

Apple's iTank

It's been a long day. I've been gathering intel on Apple's new technology. This is cutting edge stuff. Goes way beyond my earlier assumptions in my last post. I think Apple is getting into the lucrative defense subcontractor business. As we all know, that's unlimited profit potential.



Are those self-driving autonomous tanks? Look how deftly they traverse the battlefield, avoiding all obstacles in their way. Some call me a fanboy, but I think Apple has a serious winner here. This technology will strike fear in the hearts of the "evil doers" and end the war on terror for once and for all. Of that, I have no doubts.

Apple Tanks

I'm busy doing important stuff today, like washing my hair, like I do everyday, and playing video games, like I do everyday, so there won't be much to say. Very busy.

I do want to reiterate how optimistic I am about Nasdaq stocks though. I just saw a headline mentioning Apple Tanks (in after hours trading). I assume this is some sort of new technology that will allow our cars to have a greatly enhanced driving range. What will those innovative engineers think up next? Go Apple! To infinity and beyond!

I'm posting this from my iPhone 6. I love this phone! Might never need another! Still does everything I need it to do! Woohoo!

In all seriousness, for reasons I won't go into here, my phone is leased. I will need another at some point. I will probably buy the replacement though. Don't expect the purchases to continue at a rapid pace. I love my car. It's a 1996 Camry. I bought it new too, 20 years ago. Still does everything I need it to do! Very reliable. Might install an Apple Tank on it though, assuming I have properly inferred the new technology. ;)

0.5 Cents per Hour

That's how much I've spent on the video game Real Racing 3 for the iPhone so far this year.

That's 1,061 hours of game play for $5.46 (an initial accelerator game pack helped get me started and removed in-game advertising, including sales tax). I have no choice but to declare this my favorite video game of all time, based solely on the number of hours played.

I'm still just addicted as ever. The price per hour should only go down from here, which is good because 1/2 a penny per hour seems a bit excessive for high quality entertainment these days. ;)

Is it any wonder newspapers and movie theaters are struggling? Seriously.

In the eyes of a gamer such as myself, this is real prosperity. No doubt about it. Too bad we can't carry it over to property taxes and health care expenses.

I do believe that it will someday carry over to tuition though. It should only take one seriously gifted physics professor to create online physics courses for the entire country. Right? In theory, that should be an incredibly cheap learning environment. Perhaps even 0.5 cents per hour too. Just sayin'.

Security

September 18, 2015
The Market Ticker: PS: Screw You Too Obama

Had the school and its staff had any reason to believe there was an actual explosive device their first duty would be to evacuate the building and get everyone, including themselves, away from the "believed" bomb -- not sit with it and leave everyone in the building exposed to serious injury or death.

I really want to believe that. I really, really do. I'm only 99% convinced though, and here's why.

It was the 1990s (before 9/11). Several coworkers and I had just attended a Game Developers Conference. We were in a California airport checking through security on our way home. One of my coworkers had something in his carry-on bag that required further attention.

He'd been given a free ping pong ball gun. It was in its original packaging. It was made of clear plastic. You could see all of its internal parts. He intended to surprise his son with it.

He was asked what it was. He said it was a toy ping pong ball gun. He was told to remove it from its packaging. He complied. He was told to fire it at the wall behind us. He complied.

I sighed in relief knowing that security's fears were not fully realized. The ball did not explode or release a deadly cloud of toxins instantly killing all of us in the area. It simply bounced harmlessly off the wall. Whew!

For the sake of argument, I'm therefore not entirely sure what people do when they suspect there may be a bomb. If that was airport security's plan, then I can only imagine what others might do. You know, people without the proper security training, lol. Sigh.

True story. I swear.

The Sarcasm Report v.241

September 13, 2015
How can you make early retirement happen?

First, the bad news for those who wish to retire just one year early.

Given that retiring early can be very expensive, David Blanchett, head of retirement research at Morningstar Investment in Chicago, recommends delaying your retire-early plan by at least one year.

Ouch. Now, the bad news for everyone else.

Others also suggest contemplating and planning for all that could wrong.

All that could wrong? Seriously? Well, okay, I'll make an attempt to contemplate all that could *go* wrong. Maybe that's good enough.

You walk into your boss's office and submit your "burning bridges" letter. He accepts your resignation and informs you of the accounting scandal, and since your entire 401k was invested in "cheap" company stock your retirement plan has been completely wiped out.

You pack up your things and head to the parking lot. Your car is not where you left it. It's currently moving at 110 mph down the interstate followed closely by six police cars, two of which are unmarked. Turns out that your wife was secretly really into the drug trade. Who knew?

You walk to the bus stop. Hey, a bit of good luck. The bus waiting is the one on your home's route. Upon entering, you notice that nearly everyone has their hands up. There's a man in a hood collecting wallets and purses. Not to feel left out, you comply. After several more hours talking to the police you are on your way home.

Upon arriving, you see your house in flames. The fire department is attempting to salvage what they can, but let's face it, it's just not your day. Only your mailbox survived, miraculously sheltered from the harsh environment.

Oh, look! You've got tons of mail! Hurray! Shall we start with the letter from your insurance company explaining that your policy has been cancelled due to lack of payment? How about the letter from a law firm you've never heard of? Perhaps the thick letter from the IRS? What could they want? How about that hand written letter from your oncologist? Decisions, decisions.

A pack of wild dogs appears. You are on the run now. You hoof it to the nearest convenience store to escape. Everyone inside is currently engaged in a heated discussion about the breaking news story. There's been a worldwide epidemic. People are apparently being told to stay indoors and avoid contact with others. That's when the military tanks appear. Why do they have red stars? There's quite a bit of shooting in the distance. The noise seems to be rapidly getting closer. It's time to act! Survival is paramount!

All is not lost. There is still one box of Twinkies left on the shelf. You make eye contact with the only other person who sees it. He's 6' 6", muscular, and armed with what looks like an AK-47. Russian? He's about 3 feet closer to the box than you but you've got something he doesn't. Hunger and a 'tude.

That's right... boss fight!

You have been promoted to level 2 retirement contemplator and planner! Congratulations!! You may allocate three points to your attributes and you have acquired a special skill.

To be continued...