The Sarcasm Report v.291

February 8, 2023
lifehacker: The Biggest Mistakes People Make When Trying to Eat Healthy

Eating enough to stay healthy is important, and eating enough protein is a big part of that.

And if you continue to scroll down after reading that article...

February 10, 2023
lifehacker: Get Free Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers Until Sunday

You can only get one per visit, but you can visit as many times as your stomach desires.

Bacon, cheese, and beef sure are great protein sources! Visit as many times as your stomach desires! You know, for your health! Woohoo! ;)

The Sarcasm Report v.290

May 26, 2022
Gizmodo: California Startup Raises $13 Million to Harvest Platinum From Asteroids

Tempting investment idea, but wouldn't it be better to invest just 442 bitcoin (at $29,420 each) to harvest more bitcoin right down here on earth?

If there's one thing this world really needs, it's even more cryptocurrency.

The Sarcasm Report v.289

Apple added trend analysis to their Health app. The added functionality really helps me understand what's actually going on. No longer must I guess at the direction my weight is heading.

Here's my weight over the past month:

Very disappointing month. I was under the impression that I was losing weight, but when a $2.7 trillion company says there is no discernable trend downward even as I walk 9+ miles per day and count calories, I have no choice but to concede that they must be right. Any optimism I once had has been replaced by a feeling of complete hopelessness. It's the kind of hopelessness that only a few quarts of ice cream could temporarily undo.

Here's my weight over the past 6 months:

Once again, my assumptions are found to be lacking. I was under the misguided impression that I started losing weight at Halloween, as a defiant response to leftover candy and a long-term trend that I finally decided to reverse. That could not be farther from the truth. As seen in the professional trend analysis, my quest actually began just 7 weeks ago. While not the good news that I had hoped, at least there is some hope here. It does shatter my self-confidence to be that far off on the timing though.

The future is bright. I'm looking forward to the day when this trend analysis technology can be applied to investments, and you should too. Can you imagine all the money we'd make being able to spot new trends in real time? I wouldn't expect Apple to provide professional tools for free though. They will most likely monetize it. But still, there should be so much money rolling into our investment portfolios that we won't care in the slightest. That's a win win for both Apple and us!

Monetize is such an awesome word. What a great day it is to be able to work monetize into a post! Monetize! Monetize! Monetize! All the world is our monetized oyster! Woohoo!

And lastly, there are other obvious uses for this trend analysis technology. For example, full self-driving cars clearly need to understand the movement trends of the objects around them. In real time! Now that weight trend analysis has been mastered, how hard can it be?

The Sarcasm Report v.288

August 23, 2021
CNBC: Elon Musk says Tesla’s latest beta self-driving software is ‘not great’

Regulators may one day decide to disallow vehicle testing with drivers who are not trained professionals on public roads. But for now, no regulation interferes with Tesla’s ability to turn their customers, and everyone they share the road with, into guinea pigs.

Postponing purchase until there are ceiling mounted water bottles, dashboard mounted food pellet dispensers, and floor mat trays with pine wood shavings. Perhaps it is too much to ask, but I want the full experience.

The Sarcasm Report v.287

For those who have $500,000 to invest, I want to tell you about an exciting opportunity that has suddenly appeared in the Treasury markets. And unlike Fisher Investments, this opportunity is provided absolutely free to loyal readers of this blog! There are no fees structured for me to do better as you do better! You will keep 100% of the profits!

As seen in the following chart, this exceedingly rare opportunity can be found in the 1-year Treasury note.

No, it's not the 17% in 1981. I can understand the confusion. Please allow me to zoom in closer.

No, it's not the 6% in 2000 nor the 5% in 2007. This is a current opportunity. Let me zoom in closer.

No, it's not the 2.5% from 2018. Don't we wish. One last zoom should clear this up.

Behold the miracle! After hitting a lifetime low of 0.04% in early June, the yield has risen to 0.07% today! That's an unprecedented 75% increase in less than two months!

If you have $500,000 to invest, gone are the days when you could safely earn $200 per year. Now it's $350! That's almost one dollar each and every day! Do not let this once in a lifetime opportunity pass you by!

As a side note, our pets haven't been this excited about one of my sales pitches since they attended one of my investment timeshare seminars. They endured four hours of presentations for the free dog treats, but it was so worth it. Just look at those smiling faces!

The Sarcasm Report v.286

What if you don't pay well? Same story?

Was it cause and effect? Or simply a coincidence?

Is it really paradise? Or just an illusion?

By not clicking on the links to these stories in my Google news feed today, we're left with more questions than answers. Sorry about that.

The Sarcasm Report v.285

Love this advertisement. Let's zoom in for a closer look.

South Park is using obsolete old school thinking. Why limit yourself to a 100% loss? Leverage up! A 459.66% loss for the win! 20 million people can't be wrong!!

The Sarcasm Report v.284

March 10, 2021
Bloomberg: A New ETF Named FOMO Targets Everything From SPACs to Volatility

If it comes to market, FOMO will be the latest in a series of ETFs appealing to the runaway risk appetite sweeping across assets.

Don't forget to buy FOMO on margin. Wouldn't want to risk missing out on the extra returns that leverage can provide when buying an ETF based on the fear of missing out.

The Sarcasm Report v.283

March 4, 2021
CNBC: Cramer says investors are in denial about stocks: ‘The sell-off is real’

“Right now, even after a 6% decline, we’ve still got a ton of denial,” Cramer said. “People don’t want to believe the sell-off is real. The market’s been so good for so long, and many newer investors have never seen this kind of pummeling, so the downdraft does seem pretty surreal.”

I know that many newer investors probably don't want to read up on ancient history, but the 2020 stock market crash also seemed pretty surreal.

The Sarcasm Report v.282

When using a credit card to buy bitcoin, what's the worst that can happen when you profit every time?

The Sarcasm Report v.281

Some are arguing that there may be excess speculation in the markets, but I take comfort in the bitcoin to GameStop stock price ratio. It’s really starting to stabilize.

The Sarcasm Report v.280

January 8, 2021
CBS News: Object that whizzed by Earth probably came from alien world, Harvard professor asserts

Loeb argues in his book that the object was probably debris from advanced alien technology – space junk from many light years away. It may have been a type of "light sail" propelled by sunlight, a technology that humans are currently developing for space exploration.

Yeah, out of the nearly infinite number of ways an object like that could have potentially been created, debris from advanced alien technology does seem to be the most probable reason for its existence. I mean, really. The object looks weird. What more evidence do we need? In fact, weird objects are almost always debris from alien technology, advanced or otherwise.

He said his ideas aren't popular in the scientific community right now – talking about potential extraterrestrial intelligence is "out of the mainstream, and it should not be."

Who would have predicted that his ideas aren't popular in the scientific community right now? That's the truly shocking part! ;)

(Possible? Yes. Probable? Bat**** crazy.)

The Sarcasm Report v.279

May 24, 2017
New iPhone 8 pictures mean our worst nightmare might be happening

If this new series of leaks is correct, Apple could be about to make a huge mistake. The biggest outstanding question about the iPhone 8’s design is whether it will have a Touch ID sensor on the rear, or build a fingerprint scanner into the screen itself.

I haven't experienced a worst nightmare this bad since I dreamed of spilling my Starbucks pumpkin spice latte into my Coach explorer bag in sport calf leather.

First world nightmares, baby. I got 'em bad!

The Sarcasm Report v.278

There has never been a better time to invest in Sears!

May 21, 2017
Business Insider: Sears' CEO blames the media for company's decline — but his obsession with Wall Street set it up for failure

Sears spun off its Lands' End brand to investors in 2014 and is exploring "alternatives" that could include sales of Kenmore appliances and Craftsman tools.

If Sears can sell Craftsman tools for $900 million just 1,111 more times, then we'll be looking at the world's first department store trillion dollar company!

March 9, 2017
BREAKING: Stanley Black & Decker Acquires Craftsman Brand from Sears

Stanley Black & Decker announced today that it successfully completed its purchase of the Craftsman Brand from Sears Holdings Corporation.

Most CEOs would find it nearly impossible to sell-off a brand more than once, but Eddie Lampert has my complete confidence!

The Sarcasm Report v.277

May 12, 2017
CNBC: JC Penney's stock hits all-time low on widening net loss, weaker sales traffic

These losses I've been experiencing in attempting to pick individual department store winners cannot continue! I've finally learned my lesson. It is time to diversify and turn this sinking ship around.

Does anyone know of a great leveraged department store index fund with a high front-end and back-end load, that also has high periodic management and 12b-1 fees? Nothing but the best for me from here on out. It takes money to make money.

It is very important that it is a great fund. I don't wish to take on too much added risk. I'll be borrowing on my credit card to fund my brokerage account, then I'll be buying that leveraged fund on margin to maximize my returns. You might even predict, if you love Liberty Mutual TV ads as much as I do, that I'll soon be driving around on more than three wheels. Smart.


Video not safe for work.

The Sarcasm Report v.276

May 11, 2017
CNBC: Macy's shares plunge after huge earnings, sales miss; shows recovery a long way off

Nothing screams "recovery" like the long-term chart of the USA's department store employees since 2000. Yes, sir. Has recovery written all over it. Just need to be patient.

Speaking of easy recoveries, I'm looking for investors to help fund my state of the art Mexican 8-track tape factory. With your help, we're going to be cranking out all the hits of the 1970s just as nature intended, again.



¡Viva la recuperación!

The Sarcasm Report v.275

March 21, 2017
MarketWatch: Remote workers are NOT watching daytime TV in their pajamas

It may sound counter-intuitive, but employees are apt to work more efficiently and collaboratively when operating remotely, a new study released Tuesday by video and voice collaboration technology company Polycom, Inc. and Human Resources executive network and research firm Future Workplace found.

If you can't trust a study released by a video and voice collaboration technology company to tell you the true merits of video and voice collaboration technology, then who can you trust?

We now know that there aren't any remote workers watching daytime TV in their pajamas. That's certainly a relief. Or is it?

June 16, 2016
HUFFPOST: Does It Really Help To Picture Your Audience Naked?

The Sarcasm Report v.274

February 4, 2017
CNBC: A couple who spent $30,000 eating out last year highlights a critical money lesson

The life lesson is obvious. If you are spending $80+ per day to eat out then it is very easy to forget exactly how much you are spending. Make it an even $100 though, and you'll never forget. Neither will your waiter! Round up, I say. Round up! It's a win-win for everyone!

"What most people do when they earn a dollar is pay everyone else first. They pay the landlord, the credit card company, the telephone company, the government ..." writes financial adviser David Bach in "The Automatic Millionaire," and at the end of the day, they pay themselves whatever is left over. Oftentimes, that's not much.

Pay yourself first. If there is anything left over then send a few dollars to the landlord, the credit card company, the telephone company, and/or the government. It's a vastly superior plan. None of those entities need the money as much as you do. What's the worst that could happen? Eviction notices? Penalties? Collections? Liens? Lawsuits? Summons? Oh, please. That only happens in the movies!

The Sarcasm Report v.273

Bloomberg: At $207,000, the Aston Martin Rapide S Is Not a Good Deal

Those making the federal minimum wage already know this, of course. Working 14+ years to buy the car ($7.25 per hour, 40 hour workweeks, 50 weeks per year) definitely isn't a good deal without an extended-term loan, 0% financing, and reduced-price underbody rust protection.

The Sarcasm Report v.272

December 4, 2016
If you can bet on one thing in this world, bet on this: Gartman

"Clearly we were wrong in selling crude oil short the day before the OPEC meeting," the editor and publisher of The Gartman Letter wrote Thursday.

Okay, so what's the next bet? I'm looking to recoup my gambling losses!

"If you can bet on one thing in this world, bet on a mother's love, and bet on the fact that OPEC cheats," he said in a recent interview on CNBC's "Futures Now."

Dammit. I'm supposed to bet on one thing but there are actually two things. Is this some sort of ongoing trick to separate me from my money?

Choices, choices. That's it. I'm going all in on this mystery mother.

10 Media Depictions Of Stepmoms That Every Mom Hates

Every mom hates? Dammit Gartman! Your sure things fooled me again!