Lies, Damn Lies, and Retirement Quizes

March 30, 2017
MarketWatch: Most Americans failed this eight-question retirement quiz

Q: About what percentage of your savings do many financial experts suggest you withdraw annually in retirement?

Why would I even care what "many" financial experts would suggest? Many financial experts suggest many things, especially when it concerns the money of others. Take Ben "There's No Housing Bubble to Go Bust" (2005) Bernanke or Ken "Housing Boom!" (2007) Fisher, for examples.

Q: Given the current average life expectancy, if you want to retire at age 65, about how long would you need your retirement savings to last?

The correct answer is 87, or 22 years after a retirement age of 65, according to Social Security Administration data.

No, the correct answer is not the life expectancy of people similar to you. You need your money to last until you actually do die. 87 would have been horrible advice to my mom, who died at age 93 this year, and to both of her brothers who lived into their 90s. Don't even get me started on my aunt currently rooting for Gonzaga at the age of 94!

I know that there are 6 other questions to heckle, but I must stop at 25%. My time is still worth something to me. Using advanced statistical algorithms based on mood, available sunshine, expected life expectancy, and current video game addictions, I currently estimate it to be exactly $6.77 per hour. I know it is below the federal minimum wage, but it's a fact. Trust me.

P.S. Eddie Lampert, if you are reading this then please don't build up your hopes that I will be shopping at Sears just because my free time is only currently worth $6.77. I still consider it to be worth far more than temporary shopping experiences at any mall. It doesn't help your cause that I recently bought a video game on my phone for just 99 cents, and have experienced nearly 100 hours of enjoyment from it so far. A penny an hour? See? My free time is practically priceless by comparison! ;)

The Sarcasm Report v.275

March 21, 2017
MarketWatch: Remote workers are NOT watching daytime TV in their pajamas

It may sound counter-intuitive, but employees are apt to work more efficiently and collaboratively when operating remotely, a new study released Tuesday by video and voice collaboration technology company Polycom, Inc. and Human Resources executive network and research firm Future Workplace found.

If you can't trust a study released by a video and voice collaboration technology company to tell you the true merits of video and voice collaboration technology, then who can you trust?

We now know that there aren't any remote workers watching daytime TV in their pajamas. That's certainly a relief. Or is it?

June 16, 2016
HUFFPOST: Does It Really Help To Picture Your Audience Naked?

My Personal Cynicism Level Trending Higher

First, allow me to offer a free interview tip.

When trying to land that perfect police job, try not to confess to any serious crimes. Always keep in mind that you have the right to remain silent.

March 14, 2017
Man confesses to date rape during police job interview, lands in jail instead

A West Virginia man mistakenly confessed to a date rape while interviewing for a probation officer job in South Charleston and is now facing sexual assault charges.

They say that we can become more cynical as we age. Now we know why. A younger, more naive version of me, might have expected this man to help pay for my Social Security. The older, wiser version of me, realizes that I may need to help pay for his incarceration.

P.S. Don't even get me started on Trumpcare.

Best (Nosedive) in Show!