The Sarcasm Report v.216

July 2, 2015
What Are the Odds Risk-Free Returns Slowly Go Away?

But from an interest rate perspective, it’s an interesting thought exercise, even if it’s something that can’t possibly be known for many years.

What are the odds that the (relatively) risk-free long-term I-Bond real rate has slowly fallen from 3.6% in 2000 to just 0.0% in 2010, and has been pretty much stuck there ever since?

What are the odds that pigs will fly under the right circumstances? When I say fly, I really mean the "go or move quickly" definition and when I say under the right circumstances, I really mean that a slop trough could be a motivating factor.

There's absolutely no way to know the answers to any of these questions for sure. Life is filled with mysteries.

Pop Quiz: On a Scale of 0 to 10, How Evil Are You?

If you enjoyed the entire video, like I did, then you are probably at least a 5, lol. Sigh.

In my defense, I'm on the Do Not Call list, there are 22 telemarketing numbers blocked on my landline, up from 21 yesterday, and I'm just 3 shy of Comcast's 25 blocked call maximum.

And why do I still have a landline you might ask? I am making every effort to not let anyone but close friends and family know my mobile cell phone number. Go figure.

We have only ourselves to blame. Telemarketing calls would stop if nobody answered. But no... somebody out there always wants to know what kind of special deal the random stranger at the other end of the phone line will give them.

She Almost Sees Through the Illusion... Almost

Hahaha!

If We Could Eat Gasoline Then Americans Could Feed the World!

Americans consume 350 million gallons of gasoline per day.

A gallon of gasoline contains roughly 31,000 calories. Tasty!

There are 7.3 billion people on the planet.

If all that gasoline was distributed worldwide, then each and every person on the planet could consume 1,500 calories per day. Once again, that's only if we could eat gasoline.

It's food for thought the next time you are stuck in traffic. Perhaps it is best to go a bit light on the horn, on the off chance some in the world think we are pampered.



Mere words cannot express my good fortune in being born where and when I was. I am thankful each and every day. Here's the thing that really gets me though. We have it so incredibly good here so why do we feel the need to constantly borrow more? What kind of sick and demented unsustainable long-term plan is that?

New Day, New Quote, Same Topic

July 1, 2015
Snow Drought Saps Washington State’s Economy

But this year, the Olympics recorded virtually no snow in all but the highest peaks. The May 1 reading of zero snowpack in the rugged range northwest of Seattle was the lowest since records there began in 1948, and came as statewide snow accumulations totaled a paltry 16% of normal.

Call me crazy, but I predict that the zero snowpack record low will stand for all eternity, or at the very least until mankind invents an unsnowing machine.

Quote of the Day

July 1, 2015
June doesn’t just break, but destroys several Seattle temperature records

The average high temperature for June was 78.9 degrees. That's a new record -- by a long shot. The old record? 75.8 degrees set in… 1992. Beating an average high temperature record by three degrees is quite the feat.

I'm really, really looking forward to a trend failure.

I Have Finally Solved Will Rogers' Toughest Puzzle

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. - Will Rogers

Our pet parrot is roughly 20 years old and has been with us for about 10 of those years. She has bonded to me and me alone. Selling her to anyone else would make both of us sad and me very ashamed. For the longest time, I could not see a solution that allows me to live my life as Will Rogers intends. I have finally found the solution though.

I must become the town gossip!


Click to enlarge.

Seriously. No frickin' way I'd consider selling that bird, our other pets, or any other members of my family. He really didn't think it through.

And on that note, OMG! I just heard a rumor that Donald Trump might have actually been born in Mexico. A friend of a friend's friend just told me that they overheard something at the local mall!! Is it true? Who can say? Inquiring minds want to see his birth certificate though, if he still plans to become president.

Oh, and get this. It was also overheard that Trump wants to build walls made of gold around Mexico so that he can turn the entire country into an epic gated golf course for the world's elite. If true, kind of puts his "rapists" and "murderers" quotes in perspective. Perhaps it is simply intended to drive down labor costs? Who knows? I have not heard him deny it though.

Gossip, baby. That's what I'm talking about. It's the only way to protect our bird! Hahaha! ;)

The Sarcasm Report v.215

July 1, 2015
How to Prepare for the Next Market Meltdown

I remember thinking at the time, credit swaps, sure; emerging markets, yeah, I could see that; hedge funds, definitely. But inflated housing prices and problematic mortgages bringing the U.S. and global markets to their knees? It seems obvious today with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. But before the financial crisis, it seemed rather far-fetched.

Awesome. I definitely want advice about market meltdown preparation from a guy who thought the last market meltdown was far-fetched. Fool him once, shame on me. Fool him twice, shame on him.

Rather, all you have to do is assure you have your savings invested in a mix of stocks and bonds you would be equally comfortable sticking with if the market continues to make it to higher ground—or gets whacked for a sizable loss from a development everyone anticipates or from a shock that comes completely out of the blue.

So let me get this straight. All I have to do is stay invested in a mix of stocks and bonds in order to protect myself against a potential meltdown in stocks and bonds? Frickin' fantastic! I never thought it would be that easy. Why stop there though? I'm going to apply the spirit of this advice to the rest of my disaster preparations.

There are a lot of nuclear weapons in the world. Hindsight may show that it would have been a good idea to build a bunker. However, I don't think it really needs to be underground. I'm thinking it just needs to be a smaller version of my existing house, a guest cottage if you will. Yes. I think that would work great. That way friends and family could stay in it when the disaster hits.

While I am at it, I think I should stock up on some water reserves in case it really hits the fan. That's why I am going to build a pool next to the guest cottage. People will need a place to sit so some outdoor furniture might be nice. And let's not forget the BBQ grill on its very own granite countertop! And a poolside fridge! You know, to store food and drinks for the coming apocalypse! Woohoo!

The only real question left is where to put the outdoor amphitheater so that I can show apocalypse movies such as 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, and Deep Impact. That is a must have. It will set the mood and get people thinking about making their own preparations for the next meltdown. It might require a lot of power to do it right so I may need to contact the power company about expanding my service. I better act fast though. It will be harder to get them to do it once the disaster hits. They'll probably be too busy working on downed power lines.

How am I going to pay for my "man cave" bunker? Glad you asked! I am going to mortgage the hell out of my house thanks to these near record low interest rates! What's the worst that could happen? Again?

Disaster preparation, baby. That's what I'm talking about.