Ten Tips for Chicken Safety

July 16, 2015
Another massive chicken recall is happening

If you cook chicken, it's time to check your fridge and freezer.

Here's a crazy thought.

If you cook chicken, then cook the chicken.

1. Don't half-cook the chicken.
2. Don't use half-cooked chicken puree as shampoo.
3. Don't use half-cooked chicken to clean the countertops.
4. Don't put half-cooked chicken into a meat smoothie.
5. Don't make half-cooked teryaki chicken ice cream.
6. Don't use half-cooked chicken to soothe a sprained ankle.
7. Don't store half-cooked chicken under your bathroom sink.
8. Don't take half-cooked chicken to a potluck.
9. Don't use half-cooked chicken as a flotation device.
10. Don't participate in half-cooked chicken eating contests.

Hey, just trying to make the world a safer place.

October 13, 2013
6 Tips To Prevent Salmonella: How To Purchase, Wash, And Cook Your Chicken Safely

Cooking chicken properly can ensure any traces of Salmonella or other bacteria are killed before eating.

Who knew?

...the responsibility of preventing foodborne diseases is largely in the hands of consumers preparing food and cooking meat at home.

You think? This isn't rocket science.

Goal of the Day: Finding a Greater Fool

July 17, 2015
You’d be a ‘fool’ to short the market: Gartman

"It's still a bull market…and if you try to sell it, if you get out of it, especially if you try to go short of it, you make a fool of yourself," Gartman said in a TV interview.

He certainly seems very convinced. It's refreshing to see a true believer speak with such conviction. Anyone who thinks or has thought that stocks are in real trouble and headed for more trouble is a fool. Got it.

June 30, 2015
More trouble ahead for stocks: Dennis Gartman

"Stocks are in real trouble here, and there's more trouble ahead," Gartman told "Fast Money" on Monday, after the Dow recorded its second-worst day in three years with a 350 point plunge. The move was accompanied by a sell-off in global sovereign debt.

Our goal wasn't to find a fool, it was to find a greater fool. It's hard to say for sure, but maybe today's anecdotal evidence points to someone who might actually pay for Gartman's newsletter? *shrug shoulders*

Quote of the Day

July 16, 2015
McDonald's franchisees have never been this depressed

"Corporate has no answers," one respondent said. "They are throwing ideas at the wall hoping something will stick. Their collective arrogance has come home to roost."

Don't hold back. Tell us what you really think, lol. Sigh.

1. ZIRP creates new restaurants through "cheap" borrowing.
2. New restaurants hire new workers. Hurray!
3. Restaurant competition increases.
4. Old restaurants struggle.
5. Old restaurants eventually close.
6. Old restaurants eventually lay off old workers.
7. Investors suddenly realize that the Fed has not permanently put an end to recessions.

Perhaps someone could explain the flaw in my business cycle reasoning? Please. I'd like to be wrong here. Seriously.

The Sarcasm Report v.220

July 16, 2015
CNBC: Gold on cusp of 'major breakdown': Technician

And according to one technical analyst, it could be on the "cusp of a major breakdown."

I'm shortin' the bejesus out of gold! Half my life savings!

July 16, 2015
Worlds largest bullish Cup & Handle pattern could be in play

If the monster cup & handle pattern read would happen to be correct, a big upside move in Silver would be in the cards.

I'm buyin' the bejesus out of silver! The other half of my life savings!

And why would I do this?

1. Faith in technical analysis.
2. Faith in CNBC.
3. Faith in "Silver", capitalized just like a God!
4. Faith in "cards", Tarot in particular.
5. Faith in "worlds" (clearly missing the possessive apostrophe for a reason) such as Pluto and Charon. Seen the pictures. Amazing!

Technical analysis, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Can't go through life without it. Should be taught in kindergarten. The sooner people learn to use squiggly lines on charts to predict the future, the better.

18 Trillion Financial Gifts I Hope to Give the Children of Others

July 15, 2015
5 Financial Gifts I Hope to Give My Children

There are so many little nuggets of wisdom I've learned through the years of writing about personal finance I want to pass onto my children. And with solid finances myself, I could confidently tell them that these tips aren't just theory but work wonderfully well in practice.

There are so many little dollars of federal government debt that we've accumulated through the years that I want to pass onto your children. I'd give it to my children but, since I don't have any, I have no choice but to gift it to yours, your childrens' children, and so on.

And with weak finances as a country, I could confidently tell them that this debt isn't just theory but will work wonderfully well in practice... at slowing future growth and being a general drag on their standard of living.

Please tell your children that I am truly sorry that it has come to this. I have spent my life trying to avoid taking on debt that I could or would not pay. The government has given me no choice though. It's as if we're a country that spends beyond our means and our government is merely a reflection of that.

Every nation gets the government it deserves. - Joseph de Maistre

Psst... Your personal finances are only as "solid" as their weakest link. I see 18 trillion weak links in federal debt and a great deal more if one factors in what decades of accumulated trade deficits have done. But hey, if you are lucky, maybe that can be your childrens' problem. Probably best not to talk to them about it though. Ignorance is bliss.

Spring Is in the Air!

July 15, 2015
The Latest: Democratic lawmaker says green plants and interest rates should rise in spring

Rep. Brad Sherman, D-California, said that the Fed should take a page from Mother Nature and wait until next year.

"Spring is when things naturally rise," he told Yellen.

He makes a great point. The year was 1933. Mother Nature was working overtime that spring, making sure things rose to power. Without her help, just think where we would be now.

Hitler's rise and fall: Timeline

March 1933

The Enabling Act passed—powers of legislation pass to Hitler’s cabinet for four years, making him virtual dictator.

He proclaims the Nazi Party is the only political party permitted in Germany. All other parties and trade unions are disbanded. Individual German states lose any autonomous powers, while Nazi officials become state governors.

Pardon my language, but sometimes Mother Nature can be such a cunning bitch, especially in the spring, and especially in the midst of a Great Depression.

Silly Wall Street Interns Need to Realize That Market Perfection Has Been Achieved

July 14, 2015
This is the new brag among Wall Street interns

Another noted that while some schools offer courses on things such as financial derivatives, students don't learn anything beyond basic pricing models that would work only in a perfect market.

You just gotta laugh at the things some naive interns worry about.

1. Over the past 6 years, does the stock market not always go up?

2. Over the past 6 years, have short-term interest rates gone up?

3. Over the past 6 years, have there been any failures of the banks that are too big to fail?

4. Over the past 6 years, has the unemployment rate ever gone up?

5. Over the past 6 years, has the Fed ever allowed a recession?

6. If we simply extrapolate this rich and extensive history well into the distant future, can we not see that the markets are perfect and always will be?

In summary, we now have six long years of historical "proof" that the markets are perfect. The stock market can only go up, short-term rates will never rise, our banking system is permanently stable, unemployment can only fall, and the Fed has permanently put an end to all future recessions.

So why worry about how derivatives will behave in imperfect markets? It's like worrying about Shingles just because you've had Chicken Pox. Currently have Shingles? Didn't think so! Like mine, your body is the perfect temple and no harm can ever come to it.

Granted, I had Chicken Pox when I was a kid and then had Shingles during our (economic) recovery. Oh, the irony. Didn't see me worry about it one bit beforehand though. The worrying didn't really kick in until I was working through the third Vicadin prescription. I was like, "Holy f^*k! What is happening to my perfect body!"

I was thinking like an intern though. There wasn't one bit of rational thought. It was panic mostly. I just got caught up in all the negativity. It's no way to live. Once sanity prevailed, I once again realized that I was immortal. No harm could ever permanently come to my perfect body. Well, once I drop a few pounds and start eating better anyway.

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism. - Oscar Wilde

One need only listen to a few presidential candidates to realize that Oscar Wilde was an idiot. These people aren't pretending to be good. They are good, which is why I take them very seriously, especially that Trump guy. If anyone can protect my perfect body, it's him. He's got my back.

Look, all I'm saying is that if it was just him, me, a billion dollars, and a knife on a deserted island, then no harm would probably come to me. That's assuming we do a deal where I stay away from the money and the knife, refer to our shared location as Trump Island, build a wall around it, and stay just outside that wall, presumably on a small make-shift raft anchored in the island's cove. That's all.

Like the perfect market and the perfect body, it would be the perfect island paradise.

Too much sarcasm? Seems excessive again.

The Fresh Mince of Bel Air (Musical Tribute)

July 13, 2015
Sears in Bel Air Mall Slated for closing, 100 employess to lose jobs

Want rhetorical irony?

Is Sears killing the Mobile (Alabama) store?
Is the mobile store (Amazon) killing Sears?



You'll be the first place I'll always try...

Assuming your search result pops up first in Google and it has the best price on all of the Internet, of course.