The Sarcasm Report v.172

I received the following in my email inbox today.

Prepare yourself to take on the market. Get educated and become the best independent trader you can be. TD Ameritrade has a variety of free resources that you can use to learn new skills and strategies.

I love it! I really want to take on the market. Me against the world? How can I lose? Within this email, there is a very confident looking man in what I would say is his fifties giving me the eye. Since I am 48, I can really relate to this. Imagine what I could do with the confidence he has. So, let's see. Where do I start educating myself? That's when I opted to read the very tiny print at the bottom of the email.

Options involve risks and are not suitable for all investors as the special risks inherent to options trading may expose investors to potentially rapid and substantial losses.

The risk of loss in trading futures can be substantial. Clients must consider all relevant risk factors, including their own personal financial situation, before trading.

That seems like a lot of work, especially without my bifocals handy. Can someone help me out here? Does it really say potentially rapid and substantial losses and then go on to say that the risk of loss can be substantial? Maybe there's something more interesting higher up.

EXPAND YOUR TRADING STRATEGIES

Yes!! That's certainly easy to read. These four words really inspired me. What if I used an exponential trading strategy? That sounds like pretty @#$%ing awesome expansion! The market won't even know what hit it!

That line of thought prompted me to do a bit of free research on my own using the power of Wikipedia. I need a strategy that both uses exponential growth *and* is a sure thing. How hard can it be? You know. Big profits! No risk!

Martingale (betting system)

The strategy had the gambler double his bet after every loss, so that the first win would recover all previous losses plus win a profit equal to the original stake.

Since a gambler with infinite wealth will, almost surely, eventually flip heads, the martingale betting strategy was seen as a sure thing...

Genius! I see no point to read further. It's got everything I want! As for the infinite wealth part, you know what they say. It takes money to make money. I'm sure I will get all that's coming to me and more. Every time I lose, I'll simply double my bet. What's the worst that could happen? Mwuhahaha!

Progressive loss betting strategy

After another 15 minutes of observation, I realize that all 4 of these people are betting exponentially more after each loss.

I don't mean to spoil the surprise, but the strategy seemed to work for 3 out of 4 of them. The other 1 in 4? Not so much. Let's not dwell on the negative though! ;)

I'm just teasing you. I already have a sure thing gambling strategy to earn a fairly safe 3% return. I'm totally willing to share it with you.

Place $10,000 dollars on all numbers greater than 1 at the roulette table. It will cost you $350,000. Mortgage the house if need be. All you have to do then is pray that the ball doesn't land on 0, 00, or 1. If you win, you'll make $10,000 instantly. If you lose, well, sorry about that! $350,000 easy come, $350,000 easy go. Hey, don't sweat it. You've got a 92% chance of winning $10,000! Once again, what's the worst that could happen?

This post contains heavy sarcasm and is most definitely NOT investment advice!

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