The Sarcasm Report v.209

March 18, 2015
5 Things You Need to Retire Early and Comfortably

Most early retirees need the help of growing equities to sustain their lifestyle for decades.

The stock market has tripled off the lows of the Great Recession. If early retirees "need" more than that, then it should be no problem at all over the long-term. The stock market is like an infinite well of prosperity that can never run dry. Count on 10% annual returns for all of eternity, or perhaps 9% for those looking for a tiny bit of safety buffer.

You need to get over the nervousness of trying something new, and drive to the places you want to visit.

As an early retiree, I knew I was doing something wrong. I "need" to drive my car more! It's the only way I can be happy! It's just that I am always so nervous trying new things. That's why I sit in the front yard on the grass and play with the dogs in the summer. It's an unhealthy habit I really "need" to break. I'm in a rut though, and am having difficulty escaping it.

Why do I do that when I could just as easily be buying tickets to France? Flying there? Interacting with Homeland Security? Renting a car? Driving around? Trying to find parking? Living the better life? Dreaming of what could have been? All while our dogs cry at home wondering why they've been abandoned. I'm such a fool!

Those who sit around all day quickly find that the days get boring, and a lack of social interaction and exercise can also start to impact your health.

Agreed. I am always so bored! I found that out within the first few minutes of quiting my job. Waves of depression rolled over me. And don't even get me started on how bored I was the first time I was ever laid off years earlier. The only way to alleviate it was to buy a kite and take my dog, at the time, to a local park. The sun was out. Beautiful day. Still have that kite, as a reminder to me of the great boredom that can appear if I don't keep my guard up.

Much better to sit around all day at an office job than sit around all day in a hammock at home, reading a good book. And the social interaction I had at work just couldn't be beat. In the final days of my last job, we'd all talk and talk about each new round of layoffs and the legendary corporate fraud that helped cause it. Good times. Was never more relaxed or stress free. I miss those days.

Workin' for the man kept me healthy too. If I don't have someone constantly telling me what to do and how fast to do it, then I tend to lose all reason to live. It's a tragedy of epic proportions, let me tell you. The lost productivity fills me with guilt and anxiety. I am not contributing to the coffers of Corporate America nearly as much as I once was! The shame is nearly unbearable!! Hopefully the government will continue to step in and subsidize corporations where I have failed.