Thursday, January 20, 2022

The Sarcasm Report v.289

Apple added trend analysis to their Health app. The added functionality really helps me understand what's actually going on. No longer must I guess at the direction my weight is heading.

Here's my weight over the past month:


Very disappointing month. I was under the impression that I was losing weight, but when a $2.7 trillion company says there is no discernable trend downward even as I walk 9+ miles per day and count calories, I have no choice but to concede that they must be right. Any optimism I once had has been replaced by a feeling of complete hopelessness. It's the kind of hopelessness that only a few quarts of ice cream could temporarily undo.

Here's my weight over the past 6 months:


Once again, my assumptions are found to be lacking. I was under the misguided impression that I started losing weight at Halloween, as a defiant response to leftover candy and a long-term trend that I finally decided to reverse. That could not be farther from the truth. As seen in the professional trend analysis, my quest actually began just 7 weeks ago. While not the good news that I had hoped, at least there is some hope here. It does shatter my self-confidence to be that far off on the timing though.

The future is bright. I'm looking forward to the day when this trend analysis technology can be applied to investments, and you should too. Can you imagine all the money we'd make being able to spot new trends in real time? I wouldn't expect Apple to provide professional tools for free though. They will most likely monetize it. But still, there should be so much money rolling into our investment portfolios that we won't care in the slightest. That's a win win for both Apple and us!

Monetize is such an awesome word. What a great day it is to be able to work monetize into a post! Monetize! Monetize! Monetize! All the world is our monetized oyster! Woohoo!

And lastly, there are other obvious uses for this trend analysis technology. For example, full self-driving cars clearly need to understand the movement trends of the objects around them. In real time! Now that weight trend analysis has been mastered, how hard can it be?

7 comments:

Stagflationary Mark said...

That last hour of stock market trading this week:

https://youtu.be/9dsm7K1Xkn4

Maybe Friday will be better? *shrug*

Mr Slippery said...

The big reversal today has me thinking this could get very, very ugly. It was a rejection of the "only a correction" hypothesis. Yup, my stocks are overpriced. But so is everything else I might buy if I sold my stocks. I am 60-40 stocks-bonds in my biggest account, and 50-50 in the 2nd biggest. That "enbiggens" my odds of riding it out. Gonna stick to my plan, even though it might feel like the dental drill scene in Marathon Man. Is it safe?

Mr Slippery said...

Oh, on Apple trends. They do seem to lead the way. First to kill the floppy, then the CD, then the audio port, then the included charger with a new phone. Courage! Now, they are killing what we used to know as a trend line. We'll all get used to the new Apple style trend lines eventually, whether they are useful or not.

Who Struck John said...

Could be worse. At least Apple got the direction of change correct.

Stagflationary Mark said...

Mr Slippery,

I told Nancy yesterday that the last hour of trading went so badly that tomorrow could even be worse. The market started off so well today that I felt silly for even suggesting it. And then boom! It got worse! Surprised me even though I thought it was a distinct possibility.

Nasty reversal.

Imagine the psychological damage if it happens again on Friday, with all weekend for people to think about it. Not a prediction. Just a very dangerous situation to be in.

Stagflationary Mark said...

Who Struck John,

Could be worse. At least Apple got the direction of change correct.

Well, 1 for 2 anyway. Not so great on the first chart, in my opinion. But 50% is not bad at all, if it’s a batting average. Hahaha! :)

Stagflationary Mark said...

Idea for Apple

They should get out of the trend line business and focus on the trending line business. What’s a trending line? It’s the line you force Internet influencers to wait in if they want the very latest Apple gadget before others get it first.

Trending lines! It’s what Apple does best!