IBM Spends Shareholder Money to Defend Itself Against Shareholders

April 3, 2015
Exclusive: IBM hire advisers to deal with restless investors - sources

International Business Machines Corp (IBM.N) is concerned about a possible attack by prominent activist hedge funds, and is working with two investment banks to formulate a defense plan, according to the people, who declined to be identified.

Shareholders concerned about "11 straight quarters of falling revenues" can sleep well knowing that the company is doing all it can to address those concerns. Or as I like to call it: When hiring one investment bank just isn't enough!

Value added, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

The Crock of $#@% Report v.005

Who knew this was crock of $#@% Friday? Two reports on the same day? What can it mean?

April 3, 2015
Three cheers for Washington

But compare us, and your own circumstances I hope, to the state of other countries and citizens around the world.

My life is better than the life of a Chinese factory worker! I'm also doing better than many in Syria and the Ukraine! Woohoo! Thanks Washington!

Or compare the U.S. now to the 1930s.

The U.S. does seem to be doing a bit better than it was during the Great Depression! Only 46 million or so on food stamps! What lofty goals we set for ourselves! Thanks Washington!

On an absolute basis, things are never good enough. On a relative basis, things aren’t so bad.

On an absolute basis, a crock of $#@% never makes a tasty meal. On a relative basis, a crock of $#@% can make a very tasty meal! Just need to find the right thing to compare it against.

See? Things aren't so bad! Three whacks for Washington!

Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

My Nomination for Injustice Quote of the Century

I know the century is just getting started but...

April 3, 2015
The Biggest Outrage in Atlanta’s Crazy Teacher Cheating

Teachers ordered to falsify tests and the superiors who demanded it, amid desperation to save schools from destruction, deserve no mercy from the court. Bankers who ran a criminal enterprise to engage in the largest consumer and investing fraud in world history deserve our thanks.

Dare you to read the whole article without feeling outraged.

The Crock of $#@% Report v.004

Brace yourself for this report. It's a doozy! If you are like me, you'll want to use some hand sanitizer just reading the digital copy of this one. That's how dirty you will feel. Not too late to turn back! This is your only warning!!

April 3, 2015
Stock Futures Point to Rough Ride for U.S. Equities on Jobs Data

Fed Chair Janet Yellen said in a speech in San Francisco on March 27 that “it is appropriate for monetary policy to remain accommodative for some time,” and that after an initial increase in rates this year, officials won’t follow “any predetermined course of tightening.”

I refer you to the part in red. You will note that it is not a direct quote of what Yellen said. It's not even close. This is what she actually said.

March 27, 2015
YELLEN: There's a good chance we're going to raise rates this year

With continued improvement in economic conditions, an increase in the target range for that rate may well be warranted later this year.

For those who need help deciphering and parsing that sentence please accept my help.

1. It *may* well be warranted for the Fed to raise rates this year.

2. But only *with* continued improvement in economic conditions.

3. And even then, it may not be warranted. Who can say for sure?

Who thinks Yellen is happy with today's feeble employment report? Think it can turn a "may" into a sure thing?

Why do I even bother to read business news? Don't answer. It's a rhetorical question. I do it for the crock of $#@% reports of course. Keeps me busy. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

The Sarcasm Report v.211

April 2, 2015
Will the Stock Market Correct or Completely Collapse in 2015?

Over the last 90 years, the stock market has on average returned 7% annualized gains.

Over the last 65 years, the total debt in the system has on average grown 8% per year. What was once just $398 billion in 1949 has mushroomed to $58.7 trillion today.

Obviously not all years will have a positive gain, but when averaged over many years, it is reasonable to expect an annual return of 7% from the stock market.

Obviously not all years will have a positive gain, but when averaged over many years, it is reasonable to expect 8% growth in the debt markets. Doesn't even matter what wages do!

I do so love the rear view mirror. Makes predicting the future so much easier! Just stay off the sidewalks when I'm driving, especially near roads which curve.

This concludes the sarcasm report, for those times when crock of $#@% reports are overkill. ;)

Why Do Investors Around the World Keep Buying Our $#@%?

Investors around the world continue to purchase our $#@% despite the warnings that our $#@% is overpriced, and must therefore fall.

Just look at all the $#@% they buy. Our bonds? Our stocks? Our real estate? Our crops? It makes no sense. Why do they keep buying all that $#@%? There must be some rational explanation, especially after all the warnings we've given them.

Out of curiosity, are we running a massive trade deficit? I mean, I suppose if we just kept shipping dollars overseas then some of those dollars might come back to us. You know, to buy our $#@%. Never mind. That's just a crazy theory. This is America. As manufacturer to the world, we don't run massive trade deficits.

April 2, 2015
Treasury yields fall below 2 percent

Investors around the world continue to purchase safe haven Treasurys despite the warnings of rising rates.

Disclosure: Buyer and holder of US long-term government bond $#@% since 2000, and proud of it. Love that Made in USA label.

In all seriousness, nearly my entire nest egg sits in government bond $#@%. No joke. No regrets. Not a believer in future prosperity theories I guess, nor do I believe making money off of money will be getting any easier as time goes on. Put another way, I believe our country is on a $%@%ty long-term path.

Best April Fool's Day Prank Ever!

April 1, 2011
FTSE today: market report - as it happened April 1, 2011

In the US, Minneapolis Fed President Narayana Kocherlakota told the Wall Street Journal on Thursday that the Fed could raise rates by the end of 2011, far sooner than expected by financial markets. Most analysts do not expect rate hikes until the second half of 2012.

That Narayana, what a prankster!

Today Only: Buy One Spaghetti Tree, Get One Free

In order to address the growing spaghetti tree glut in Ticino, I have been authorized to offer my loyal readers special savings. If you order one spaghetti tree at the low price of $19.99 today, we will ship you a second spaghetti tree absolutely free. Just pay separate processing and handling.

Limit 10 free trees per household. Ask about free shipping on bulk orders.

Oh, and just one more thing. Happy April Fool's Day! :)