Should You Hire an Insurance Salesman?

April 23, 2016
MADDOX: Let’s better protect our retirement accounts

To the average investor, there are so many confusing choices for investment advice. Should I hire an insurance salesman, a stockbroker, a financial planner or a retirement specialist? What’s the difference or overlap in these titles? How much can I trust the advertising and marketing materials I see that try to convince me these are all people I can trust and who will have my best interests at heart?

You should definitely consider hiring an insurance salesman to help you manage your retirement investments, but only after you've hired a few used car salesmen to help you manage your rusted-out pickup truck. I mean really, that's just common sense. It is very important that you hire all your salesmen in the right order.

Once you've set up all the cubicles for all of your new workers in your living room, don't forget about the telemarketers. You're going to need at least 20 of those to stay competitive, based on how often my home phone rings.

Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

In all seriousness, if I ever "hire" any salesmen, advertisers, or marketers to help me with my retirement account, would someone please tell my doctor to prescribe some anti-dementia medication ASAP? Thanks!

I should also point out that this also applies to saleswomen. This is an equal lack of opportunity blog. When attempting to avoid salespeople, as I almost always do, I make every effort to treat both men and women equally. ;)

Question of the Day

April 18, 2016
How much could the return of factory jobs add up to?

Two?

A few years ago, Hiawatha Rubber, a small precision manufacturer outside Minneapolis, enjoyed some employment gains tied to reshoring. Howard Hauser, vice president of operations, said some of the firm’s customers suffered quality issues with Asian suppliers and handed the work to Hiawatha instead.

“We did bring a couple jobs back, but that kind of stopped then. That trend has not continued,” he said. “So at this point I would look back at that and say that was a bit of a fluke.”

Two! Woohoo! I knew it! What do I win?

Hello? Damn. I think it was a rhetorical question. Sigh.

Today Only: Scandal Balloons, $18 Billion Each!

April 22, 2016
Cost of Volkswagen emissions scandal balloons to $18B

The estimated cost of Volkswagen Group's emissions scandal has escalated to more than $18 billion, more than double the amount the company had previously set aside, the company said Friday.

Get your scandal balloons now before the price goes up again! There's never been a better time to buy!!

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Our Strong and Resilient Economy

April 22, 2016
The New York Times: U.S. Suicide Rate Surges to a 30-Year High

Dr. Alex Crosby, an epidemiologist at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said he had studied the association between economic downturns and suicide going back to the 1920s and found that suicide was highest when the economy was weak.

I know what you must be thinking. If suicide rates are highest when the economy is weakest, and suicide rates are currently surging to a 30-year high, then the title of my post must be either sarcastic or just plain wrong.

Well, there's more to the story.

But other experts pointed out that the unemployment rate had been declining in the latter period of the study, and questioned how important the economy was to suicide.

Yeah, I'm siding with these nameless other experts. The unemployment rate is proof that the economy is strong. Nothing else matters. Somebody needs to send Janet Yellen a memo letting her know just how strong it is. She needs to know that it is safe to raise the fed funds rate to no less than 4%. And while she is at it, she should feel confident in unwinding all those trillions in treasury bond purchases. Our strong and resilient heavily outsourced debt-ridden service economy can certainly handle it.

And while we are on this "other experts" topic, there is something on my mind that really bothers me. Many experts believe that the earth is spherical. There are other experts who believe that the earth is flat though. It is unfortunate that we may never truly know who is actually right. I gotta tell you. My property seems pretty flat. Just sayin'.

Don't even get me started on those experts who believe the earth is more than 6,000 years old. That's just crazy talk. I have lived a long time. I can't imagine anything lasting billions of years. Granted, I may be a bit biased. Much of my stuff is made in China.

Who am I kidding? You caught me spewing sarcasm again. Guilty as charged.

First World Problems of the Day

April 22, 2016
USA Today: 5 reasons why a nearly perfect credit score's not enough

It's never enough. I mean, really.

You move from the tiny apartment to a larger apartment. You're feeling pretty good about yourself until you realize that your new neighbor's apartment is just as big! How are you supposed to get and stay ahead when the goalposts keep moving?

So, you buy that dream house. You've finally made it! Hurray! All is going well, right? So why is your neighbor spending so much time caring for his yard? Holy crap! I swear there isn't even one dandelion in it. And that white picket fence? He's out there every single day washing off the dust! Life is so unfair!

You finally get that monster truck that's at least 10% nicer than your neighbor's car, and what does he do? He buys a frickin' used scooter off craigslist. That's what. What an @$$hole!! He's clearly mocking you!

That's when you devise a plan. Three purebred Dobermans. Best in show. Perfectly trained. Might have cost you an arm and a leg, and although you don't really like pets, it is so going to be worth it. This will prove to the world that your life is so much better than his!!

But what's this? He adopted a cat from a local shelter? And all the neighbors seem to love it? WTF! It's missing a frickin' leg! It's more than 10 years old! Oh, it gets worse. It sometimes strays into your yard! How can this be? The entire universe is conspiring against you!! The hatred consumes you!

April 20, 2016
Blotter: Neighbors argument about cat turns destructive; infant left alone in car

Dispute: At 4:26 p.m., police were called to Orchard Avenue N.E., North Bend, to settle a dispute over a cat in a neighbor's yard. The neighbor damaged the front yard of the cat-owner's house by spinning his truck tires on the lawn. The cat owner did not want to press charges.

First world problems, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

Hey, just trying to come up with a theoretical scenario that could partially explain it! North Bend? Really? That's where cougars and bears tend to hang out. Seriously.

June 15, 2014
‘You need to go now!’ North Bend woman’s message to curious bear (VIDEO)

As the bear stands at the window, the woman can be heard in the video saying, “Stop it. don’t!”

Fortunately, our Pacific Northwest bears apparently speak perfect English, so everything worked out for the best. ;)

Sears: A Shocking Case Study in Sarcasmoptimism

April 21, 2016
Sears to close 78 stores this summer

Shocking? No.

The decision to close stores is a difficult but necessary step as we take aggressive actions to strengthen our company, fund our transformation and restore Sears Holdings to profitability," said Edward S. Lampert, chairman and CEO of Sears Holdings in a statement.

Shocking? No. If we've heard it once, we've heard it a thousand times. Blah, blah, blah.

Sears Holdings has struggled for years with weakening sales, unable to keep up...

Shocking? No. Well, unless you think it is a race to the bottom.

In the fourth quarter, which includes the holiday shopping season, revenue at stores opened at least a year fell 6.9 percent at Sears, and 7.2 percent at Kmart.

Shocking? No. Never got my Sears Wish Book last year! Loved that thing as a kid!

Sears declined to say how many workers will be affected from the store closures, but it said that an overwhelming majority of the jobs are part-time positions.

Shocking? Yes! There could be tens of thousands of part-time workers left at Sears even after the store closings, all making the big bucks! Wow! This strong and resilient part-time service economy never ceases to amaze!

What? You know me. I'm just trying to be a sarcasmoptimist. Haven't heard the word before? Well, I'm telling you right now that it means exactly what you think it means. Just be sure to fully pronounce the "mop" part of it. Sar-cas-mop-ti-mist!

As a side note, is it better to "axe" two part-time workers instead of one full-time worker? Seems like a bloody mess to me. You know, because of the extra paperwork. Oh, and because twice as many people get brutally chopped. Sigh.

Honeywell CEO Will Be Disappointed

April 21, 2016
Honeywell CEO: Here Are the Three Things I Most Want to Be Remembered For

"Dave is the best there is -- he has created a tremendous amount of wealth, what a record," said Jim Cramer, TheStreet's founder and portfolio manager of the Action Alerts PLUS portfolio.

Unfortunately for Dave, this is now how I will always remember him. He's one of the great ones. You know, just like Cramer's Lenny Dykstra.

June 20, 2010
The Sarcasm Report v.52

I think that people don't think of Lenny as sophisticated, but I am telling you Bernie, that not only is he sophisticated but he's one of the great ones in this business. He's one of the great ones. - Jim Cramer

If I didn't know any better, I would tell you that everything you hear from Lenny is an act, because there is just no way that you would ever feel like he's as smart as he really is. - Jim Cramer

Where is Lenny now you might ask? Well, that's a good question and it deserves a good answer.

December 20, 2015
Lenny Dykstra Plays Bad Santa At Strip Club

“This sure beats a six-by-ten prison cell,” the 52-year-old former centerfielder told reporters on Vivid’s rooftop lounge.

It's good to see Lenny finally back on his feet after pleading guilty in 2012 to money laundering, bankruptcy fraud and concealment of assets.

Dave and Lenny. Lenny and Dave. Two of Jim Cramer's great ones. That's how I will always remember them now. ;)

Jeremy Siegel's Five Attempts to Make You Laugh!

December 17, 2007
Jeremy Siegel’s Outlook for 2008

1. Overall I expect 1.5% to 2.5% GDP growth in 2008 and I believe the economy will avoid a recession.

In hindsight, we were already in a recession. It began in December of 2007. Hahaha!

2. I think the stock market will have another winning year in 2008.

Oh, yes. Winning! Hahaha!

3. And I believe that financial stocks, which have plummeted 18% so far this year, will outperform the S&P 500 Index next year as the credit crisis fades.

Back up the truck on those financial stocks! Hahaha!

4. I believe that the Fed will get rates down to 3.5%, before ratcheting them upward in the second half of next year.

Hey, the Fed actually did get rates down to 3.5%. In fact, got them below 0.25%. Not only that, but the Fed recently ratcheted them back up again, all the way to today's 0.37%. Hahaha!

5. I recommend investors cash in governments and top rated corporate bonds now – you got a nice ride that you won’t get next year.

And pump that money into the "cheap" financial stocks? 18% off! Bargains at any price! With great risk comes great rewards! So what if Citigroup lost an additional 80% or so? And to this day, still has? Hahaha!

The hilarity continues! Is it too funny? Or is it too depressingly amusing? You make the call!

In all seriousness, I'm laughing nervously. I still own those long-term government bonds he so despises. He can try prying them from my cold dead fingers. I gotta die sometime. After all, it's already been more than 8 years since he told me to sell them.

Welcome to the era of permanent economic emergency life support. And that's no joke. Sigh.