Saturday, November 1, 2014

The Sarcasm Report v.192

UK Interest Rates Will Rise Sixfold!

I hope I got your attention, because this is serious stuff. It has huge implications for global savers, of which I am one.

December 20, 2010
The Telegraph: Interest rates 'will have to rise sixfold in two years'

Interest rates will have to rise almost sixfold over the next two years to cope with rising inflation, business leaders have warned.

Yeah, I know it was written in 2010. Doesn't make it any less true in 2014 though!

UK Interest Rates Will Rise Sixfold!

March 11, 2014
Interest rates could rise sixfold in three years

Interest rates will rise six-fold by 2017 as Britain’s economy becomes one of the fastest growing in the developed world, the Bank of England Governor said on Tuesday.

It's been nearly 8 months. I assume that we're well on our way!

October 28, 2014
Keep interest rates low for longer, says Bank deputy

No! No! No! Where's the progress? What the hell is going on?!!

The Great Recession had led to more workers accepting lower pay in real terms, Sir Jon said. “There appears to be little evidence of real wage resistance – the sharpness of the recession and the years of austerity that have followed it, appear to have caused a shift in the psychology of UK workers,” he said.

Aha! So it is the workers who are shafting the savers! They are the ones responsible! I knew it! Surely the workers who are also savers must realize what they are doing to themselves. Why won't they stop? This changes everything!

The conundrum of the sixfold UK rising interest rate theory is a riddle in a mystery wrapped in an enigma. There is no way any optimist who is bullish on the global economy will ever figure it out! I therefore suggest that we turn to Japan for guidance. Since their real estate and stock market bubbles burst in the early 1990s, they have not been known for their optimism.

Japanese Interest Rates Will Rise Sixfold!

October 31, 2014
Sony says half-year loss balloons six-fold to almost $1.0 billion

TOKYO: Sony said Thursday its net loss for the April-September period ballooned to nearly $1.0 billion, as the embattled electronics firm continues to struggle in the cutthroat smartphone business.

Well, I sure jumped the gun on that one. Sorry about that. I saw "six-fold" in the headline and immediately pulled the rising interest rate theory trigger. I give up. So what do the analysts have to say? I'm done trying to analyze this on my own. We need their guidance!

But analysts have warned that the impact of the weak yen is fading, and the industry giants had more work to do on reinventing themselves.

Thanks analysts! What would we do without your warnings?

Mere moments later...

October 31, 2014
Yen slammed by BoJ easing, falls to near-seven year low

(Reuters) - The yen plunged to a near seven-year low against the U.S. dollar on Friday, putting it on track for its worst day in 18 months, after the Bank of Japan shocked financial markets with an aggressive easing of its monetary policy.

Shocking the financial markets I can understand. But the analysts? That's their job. That's why they get paid the big bucks. It makes no sense! That's why I have no choice but to turn to the USA to know what is really going on. This is a market I can understand! This is a market I can analyze! Genius! So what do I think?

American Interest Rates Will Rise Sixfold!

I am confident that we can eventually see a sixfold increase in the 3-month treasury bill yield. That would bring us back to early 2014 levels. I can't say when it will happen. Too many people have mistakenly placed a rigid time frame on the sixfold increase in interest rates. Not my style!

So what will this mean if and when it eventually happens? Well, it's obviously a huge difference with huge implications! If you have $10,000 to invest, it can mean the difference between earning a paltry $1 in annual interest and earning a whopping $6 in annual interest! Note the sixfold increase! It's gonna happen someday! We just need to strengthen up the entire global economy first! How hard can *that* be? Mwuhahaha!

This concludes the sarcasm report. Hope you enjoyed Halloween!

See Also:
Sarcasm Disclaimer

Source Data:
St. Louis Fed: 3-Month Treasury Bill (One Year Chart)


Mr Slippery said...

Money is a scare commodity.

A Seven-fold nightmare.

Stagflationary Mark said...

Mr Slippery,

Hahaha! We'll leave that one as an inside joke. ;)

Stagflationary Mark said...

Psst. Many may think they figured the inside joke out based on your video choice. They'd be wrong! I'm such a horrible tease!

Speaking of being a horrible tease, you should see me with Cocoa (our small pet dog). I put her soft blue toy ball on top of my head until she starts to wimper cutely. They I slowly start tilting my head. She's smart. She understands the physics of trend failures. The anticipation easily increases the value of that ball sixfold and when it finally falls, she chases (and) returns! High yield play!

dearieme said...

I recently stumbled across some wisdom I like. "All stockmarket predictions prove correct: eventually."

Stagflationary Mark said...


Your timing is once again fantastic!

Check out my latest post, lol. Sigh.