The Pain and Suffering of the First World Consumer Continues

The problems of the third world are widely known, but have you ever taken the time to witness the horrors of the first world? Brace yourself for unimaginable pain and suffering. I must warn you to avert the eyes of your children!

April 9, 2015
What the Apple Watch does best: Make you look good

There’s a reason we don’t wear the same clothes two days in a row...

It takes a lot of effort to keep changing clothes. I hear that.

Too many features that are too hard to find, if you ask me.

I can't tell you how many times my life has been needlessly complicated due to excessive features. Too many! Too hard! Enough said.

There are so many things the watch can do, so many menus and features you must spend time figuring out...

Too many things! Too many menus! Too many features! Too much time spent! That's time we will never get back.

When I ended up at Whole Foods—no phone, no wallet—I bought an iced latte by just tapping my wrist to the reader.

That was such a close call. At Whole Foods with no phone or wallet? Not being able to buy the iced latte? Oh, the humanity!

Actually snapping the sport band’s little clasp to your wrist, however, makes you wish for a third hand.

What? This person went jogging without a personal assistant? Horrifying!

Even getting to the Exercise app is a challenge, it being one of many tiny circular icons on the watch’s app screen that makes me wish my fingers were the size of toothpicks.

Wishes for fingers the size of toothpicks and yet the wish is not granted. I am filled with sadness.

But every time I gaze down to admire it, I start seeing how the next one will look better.

I have the same reaction with our dogs. No matter how much I admire them I can't help but imagine a world with even better dogs in it. Each hair is meticulously trimmed after being soaked in a daily lavender bath, and then once again I return them to the mantle above the fireplace to admire them endlessly. Such is the world of my imaginary taxidermy.

Unlike the Cartier I got for college graduation, the original Apple Watch’s beauty will soon fade.

No amount of tissue can stop my tears. There are some things that when read, cannot be unread. I nervously await this evening, when the nightmares shall begin. :(