Bradley Koenig: Future Fed Chairman in the Making

April 30, 2015
The Onion: Aerospace Engineers Warn First-Grader’s Design For Spaceship Completely Unsafe

“I can’t even begin to enumerate all the safety protocols and fundamental principles of spaceflight that this particular vehicle violates,” said veteran NASA flight director Raymond Fletcher, who called the crayon-drawn spaceship the “most poorly conceived” and “shockingly hazardous” craft he had ever encountered.

Bernanke Transitions to the World's Oldest Profession

April 29, 2015
Pimco Hires Former Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke As Adviser

Mr. Bernanke, who left the Fed in 2014, has had a relationship with Pimco since late last year, contributing to the firm’s periodic investment forums.

Forums? Craigslist? It's all good.

“We’ve been building a relationship with him since last year,” Pimco Chief Executive Douglas Hodge said in an interview.

Pimco? Pimps? It's all good.

Pimco executives declined to say how much Mr. Bernanke would be paid or other details of his contract with the firm.

Will the cash be left on the nightstand? This particular escort can't come cheap. He's got a lot of f%^king experience. He f%^ked up the housing market. He f%^ked up the economy.

Relationships, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

The Best Way to Trick Yourself into Saving More Money!

April 28, 2015
4 Ways to Trick Yourself Into Saving More Money

Whether it's a $5 scratch-off or a big tax refund, whenever you come into contact with some unexpected dough, ignore it and put it away.

Better still, don't even scratch them off. Just collect all those $5 scratch-off tickets in a shoebox for a time when you desperately need a lot of money!!

The Shoebox of Tricky Ticket Hope!

In theory, could pay off any unexpected expense or even fund a complete retirement! There's just no telling how much prosperity that box holds! We do know this though. The more lottery tickets in the box, the better your chances!

Be sure to label the box properly. Don't want to confuse it with your other shoebox.

Keeping yourself to a strictly cash-only lifestyle for a couple weeks is a great way to make sure you stay on budget.

The Shoebox of Tricky Cash Hope!

You must keep the two shoeboxes with you at all times. Unscrupulous people might see value in what you've got and attempt to take it from you. I suggest borrowing a shopping cart from your local grocery store. If you place both shoeboxes in it and then add a few garbage bags with other possessions over them, then they may be easier to defend.

Shoeboxes filled with lottery tickets and cash, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Welcome to the modern age! As homeless as it is timeless!

Quote of the Day

April 27, 2015
The market double whammy investors fear most

Apart from the investment markets, the rising cost of health care continues to be one of the chief concerns of middle-class Americans, and many people are looking to their financial advisors for help.

I'm trying to figure out what kind of help the financial advisors can offer.

1. I know you are concerned, so I will lower my fees. I wouldn't want you to have to choose between financial advice and medical advice someday. It's going to be painful for me though. The fees are needed to pay my health care and the moorage expenses for my yacht. You, me, your money, and my advice are kind of in this together. We're only going to be as strong as our weakest link.

2. You *need* more income. Might I suggest boosting your exposure to highly speculative investments on the hope that they pay off. Now that the stock market has tripled off the bottom and the Fed has permanently put an end to recessions, there has never been a better time to embrace extra risk.

3. Many financial advisors might tell you to stop buying so much coffee at Starbucks and divert some of it to health care expenses instead. Not me. You can't afford to stop. Starbucks is your top stock holding. The more you drink the wealthier you and I become.

Only Earning $100 per Hour (Musical Tribute)

April 26, 2015
Burdened With Debt, Law School Graduates Struggle in Job Market

His business has greatly expanded and he makes $100 an hour, but that is far below what he would make at a law firm. And, he said, “I waffle constantly, but I’m still in the mind-set that I need to find a real job.”

Quote of the Day

April 25, 2015
CNBC: Why Apple Watch isn't the most advanced timepiece

I have no desire to own an Apple Watch, and yet I found this claim incredibly difficult to believe. I therefore had to click on the link, just like CNBC hoped.

What timepiece is more advanced? I must know!! Images of James Bond movies filled my head! Top secret government watches that double as personal defense tools! You know the tech!! Watches with frickin' laser beams, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Consider the introduction of the pendulum in 1657, which enabled clocks to keep time to within a minute per day (from roughly 15 minutes before that).

You have got to be f#^*ing kidding me! We're supposed to compare the Apple Watch to a 1657 pendulum and conclude that the pendulum is more advanced? Seriously?

The quote of the day can be found in the comments.

Most embellished piece of troll article ever written on CNBC in the last 5 minutes. - bunnyturd

Hilariously well stated, bunnyturd. My hat is off to you!

As for CNBC, what did I expect? The most advanced news service in the world? Nothing works better than pendulum technology. Mad Money and Fast Money are proof of that! The pendulum is the perfect divination tool for tools!

Pendulum Divination

To charge your pendulum, place it overnight in water or salt. Remember that some crystals will degrade in salt, so be sure to check before you do this. Another option is to leave the pendulum outside overnight in the moonlight.

Don't forget to charge your Apple Watch too while you are at it. With two of the most powerful timepieces in the world and a working knowledge of all things CNBC, you'll be unstoppable! Mwuhahaha!

Pop Quiz: Real News or Real Satire?

April 16, 2015
CNN Money: Ben Bernanke joins hedge fund Citadel

"I wanted to avoid the appearance of a conflict of interest," Bernanke said.

April 23, 2015
The Onion: Entire Treasury Department Competing For Same Goldman Sachs Job Opening

Browning added that the new hire was needed to take over the responsibilities of a former Goldman Sachs executive who had recently left for a high-ranking position in the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Working for the Mafia Can Help Save the World

April 21, 2015
Working on Wall Street can help save the world: Peter Singer

He believes that working on Wall Street can be more noble even than being a social worker.

Indeed. Very noble.

“I don’t think that Wall Street is necessarily harmful at all,” he says.

The typical social worker is not necessarily always thinking up new ways to take their client's money. Without that thought process, how can social workers donate much money to charity?

The key is maximizing the amount of money taken from clients so that one has the most resources to give to charity. That's why I say that you need to give serious consideration to joining the mafia when you exit college. The more money you make the more money you can donate. And in the end, isn't that all that really matters?

Child protective services pales in comparison to organized protection rackets, be they derivatives trading or simply a guy named Guido shaking down a local business.

When it comes to saving the world, think smart and work harder. Mafia for the win!

Uh, oh. I use a sarcasm meter to limit the amount of sarcasm I generate each day. I see that the batteries are dead. I therefore have no idea if I'm operating in the dangerous red zone!!

Excessive Risk Taking for Dummies (Musical Tribute)

As seen through the eyes of Rick Newman:

July 18, 2013
Why I’m Draining My Savings to Stimulate the Economy

Things are different now. I’ve turned my savings into spending, rung up thousands of dollars’ worth of purchases on my credit cards and in the process paid a lot more in taxes. And I’ll probably keep spending like this until I nearly run out of money.

In other words, I’ve bought a house.

April 20, 2015
It’s time to stop worrying about Greece defaulting

No contagion likely

There you have it. Drain your savings. Take on debt. Keep doing it until you are nearly out of money. No contagion likely. Don't worry. Be happy like Rick!

As a side note, who is worried about Greece? The US stock market is at record levels. It's pretty much priced for permanent perfection. And let's not forget that summer is nearly here. Nothing bad ever happens when the sun is out!!

Eternal Return Ends in Bankruptcy

April 19, 2015
Family Christian books bankruptcy: Chain faces scrutiny

"Their desire wasn't a financial return by secular terms," Family Christian CEO Chuck Bengochea said during a March hearing in which company executives answered questions from opposing attorneys, according to an official transcript obtained by the Free Press. "Theirs was an eternal return."

Eternity is a cruel mistress.

Quote of the Day

Aoril 19, 2015
Gundlach Says Market Hasn't Seen Full Impact of Fed Moves

Known for his contrarian views and top returns, Gundlach said rating the Fed very highly at this point is “sort of like a man who jumps out of a 20-story building, and after falling 18 stories, says, ‘So far, so good.’”

It Sucks to Be a Financial Advisor

Literally!

April 14, 2015
These Rules Could Stop Financial Advisors From Siphoning Billions From Americans' Retirement Accounts Every Year

Under the rule change, all retirement advisers — including brokers, registered investment advisers, insurance agents, and others — who get paid to provide retirement investment advice would have to adhere to a fiduciary standard, which would mean they would be obligated to give advice that is in the best interest of their clients.

You can slow the siphon of the hose'd, but you'll never stop the sucking.

Merger Idea: The "Wyly" Coyote Bank of America Brothers

April 16, 2015
Analyst: Bank of America needs to cut compensation

That's the conclusion in a research note from Morgan Stanley today as analysts take stock of the bank's $3 billion net profit report on Wednesday.

April 16, 2015
IRS wants more than $3 billion from Texas brothers

A lawyer for the Wylys, Stewart Thomas, called the IRS claims "unfair and absurd."

Risk management, unfairness, and absurdness, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

The Crock of @#$% Report v.006

April 16, 2015
Fed needs to walk a thin tightrope ahead of 2016 elections

One certainty that exists is the fact that the Fed will do no harm to the market or the economy, especially with the next presidential election cycle beginning already.

Tip of the Day: Never Bring Guns to a Sword Fight

April 13, 2015
Hacked to pieces with a Samurai sword, the burglars who got a VERY unpleasant surprise when their victim fought back

Prosecutor Jorgelina Guties said: 'We could not yet question the victim of the burglary as he is still in a state of shock'.

I'm not quite sure that I would use the word victim in this instance. The graphic images look like something right out of Shogun Assassin (one of my favorite movies).

Vote for Pancake in 2016!

Let's "ferret out" some real prosperity for a change!

Shocking Disrespect for the Law!

April 15, 2015
Gyro-Copter Lands on West Lawn of U.S. Capitol, Pilot Arrested

The Federal Aviation Administration said the pilot hadn't notified it of his plans to enter restricted airspace.

Entering restricted airspace to hand deliver a message to Congress by gyro-copter I can totally understand, but not notifying the FAA first? Seriously? That's just insane! Anarchy!

For the love of all that is holy, if you intend to break the law, at least have the common courtesy to inform the authorities first!

Hard hitting investigative journalism, baby. That's what I'm talking about. ;)

Attention China Miracle Growth Investors: No Need to Panic!!!

April 14, 2015
No Need to Panic About Weak China Exports

China’s exports were shockingly weak in March. We did not see that coming...

Please allow me to summarize.

1. Shockingly weak.
2. Did not see that coming.
3. No need to panic.

In other news, I seem to have tipped over a candle. The flames are rapidly spreading through the room. I should probably use my phone to call the fire department and then grab a fire extinguisher. But you know what? There's no need to panic. Might just as well finish this post first.

It's getting more difficult to see the screen now, what with all the black smoke. I'm turning up the brightness to compensate. Oh, yes. That worked wonderfully. Stay calm they say.

I'm starting to get a bit parched. *cough* Better head off into the kitchen and fix myself an ice cold lemonade. I swear it must be getting hotter. So happy summer is nearly here.

That's odd. There's a burning sensation on my right leg. Did not see that coming.  Perhaps a quick jog around the room will make it go away. Just bounced off the wall. How silly of me! And what is it with my flailing arms? Can't seem to stop. This must look quite comical to others. Better not head outside lest the neighbors see it. I can't think of anything more embarrassing.

Signing off now. Asprin is needed. I'll need to make it past two burning chairs and a couch to reach it. Wouldn't be wise to attempt it while typing. I need to stay focused on the goal and keep my wits about me. Don't worry. All is good. Safe and sane to the very end, and you can quote me on that.

Have a great day! Mine is filled with adventurous optimism, let me tell you! The world is my burning oyster!

Fed Up

April 15, 2015
Fed’s Bullard says rate hikes are needed for coming ‘boom’

A leading hawk on the Federal Reserve on Wednesday made a case for raising interest rates soon, arguing the level needs to be appropriate for the coming “boom” for the U.S. economy.



Bullard also expressed his continued frustration that financial markets are not pricing in the same level of interest rates as the Fed’s own projections. Fed fund futures suggest the first increase in rates will come in December.

Thoughts on Early Retirement

It’s Impossible To Stay Retired Once You Retire Early

Let me provide a candid assessment of why I couldn’t stay retired and why I don’t think any early retiree will ever be able to stay fully retired.

Doing the impossible since 1999!

Freedom doesn’t feel as free when nobody is checking up on you.

Crazy as this sounds, I'm going to take the other side of that argument. Freedom feels most free when nobody is checking up on me. I especially dom't want to travel through checkpoints someday with stormtroopers asking to see my papers. That's not freedom to me.

I didn’t mind getting told what to do because being told what to do provides structure.

Somewhere, right now, as I type this, a politician is having a wet dream, lol. Sigh. Shame on me for saying that but I believe it.

If you manage to retire early, like sub 40 early, I bet you a steak dinner at the finest steak house in the world that you won’t be able to stay retired for more than three years.

That is a very, very bad bet. Work in the financial industry by any chance? Risk management? 25 sigma events? Do I get one steak dinner for every three years? Do I have to eat that many steaks all in one sitting?

I think I see the problem here. Although I do like steaks, I have no desire to eat one at the finest steak house in the world. That just seems like a lot of work. I value my free time way too much for that. Further, it is the kind of restaurant that would make me uncomfortable. I'm more of a shorts and t-shirts playing with the dogs kind of early retirement guy. Waste not, want not. It's called being content with what I have.

I do not require purpose to enjoy my life. We are all going to die someday. There is no master being keeping score to see who was most productive with their life. The hardest working locust will not become the king of locust heaven. That's what I believe.

Is it amoral? Is it selfish? Well, there would be no wars if everyone felt as I do. There would be a great many dog parks though, which would suck for the dog haters I guess. But then again, how could there be any dog haters if everyone felt as I do?

The Baby Boomer Retirement Buster Parfait

We can all live the life of the Dairy Queens in retirement!

April 13, 2015
Survey shows baby boomers' retirement fears are growing

Almost a quarter of all boomers said they had had difficulty paying their mortgage or rent in the past 12 months, and a growing number are putting off retirement. Some 36 percent said they plan to retire at 70 or later, up from 19 percent in 2011.

Prosperity for all, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

If You Believe That...

April 13, 2015
Yes, Worry About the Stock Market

"There is nothing more deflationary than creating a phony asset bubble, having a bunch of investors plow into it and then having it pop."

If you believe that...

Druckenmiller's message is that the economic backdrop doesn't justify the Federal Reserve keeping borrowing costs near zero, and that its policies are forcing investors to take on extra risk to boost returns.

...then you cannot believe this.

The Fed is "forcing" nothing. Investors always have a choice. The correct word is "tricking".

Stock market investors who believe that 20% annual returns are now the new normal must think that the Great Recession and the Fed have magically transformed our economy into a supercharged prosperity generating machine. Should that "too good to be true" theory really pass any rational investor's smell test?

This is not investment advice.

Confessions of an Ill-Fated Psychopath

April 13, 2015
Bond traders brace themselves for another flash rally

I refer you to the comments:

Realize that only an ill-fated psychopath is in stocks or bonds today. There is zero-chance of realizing any of it. You have game tokens. The rest of the nation has skills, abilities and experience in things other than cooking fries. - Craig Chuhran

This ill-fated psychopath expects a bond from his bond ladder to mature in two days. He's kind of hoping to live off its "game token" proceeds over the next year, much like he's done since retiring in 1999. Not really losing much sleep over it. Go figure.

Disclosure: Professionally trained fry cook. Worked at Rax Roast Beef one summer while in college. Been there, done that.

Quotes of the Day

April 11, 2015
US dot-com bubble far behind today's China prices

Among global technology companies with a market value of at least $1 billion, all 50 of the top performers this year are from China.

Get you some Chinese tech stocks now or forever be priced out! Other than these top 50 performers, they just aren't making any more! There's never been a better time to buy! Money is worthless so invest all you have and borrow more! Can't lose! Sure thing!

The use of margin debt to trade mainland shares has climbed to all-time highs, while investors are opening stock accounts at a record pace. More than two-thirds of new investors have never attended or graduated from high school...

Made in China high quality tech stocks and the path to infinite prosperity, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

April 12, 2015
2 Alabama College Students Charged in Sexual Assault on Florida Beach

1. crowded Florida beach
2. broad daylight
3. attack was not reported
4. discovered the video of the attack
5. while investigating a shooting

Note to self: Stay the f%^* out of Florida.

Rethinking Insane Retirement Rules

April 11, 2015
Retirement Rules: Rethinking a 4% Withdrawal Rate

After data showed that the rule, which posits the withdrawal of 4% of a portfolio in the first year of retirement, with annual adjustments for inflation thereafter, had worked in only two of 20 developed countries -- the U.S. and Canada -- Pfau dug deeper. He found that the rule wouldn’t work in a number of circumstances, including retiring during a market downturn and in a period of historically low interest rates.

It was a fine retirement rule in 10% of developed countries as long as interest rates weren't too low. Have no fear though. Nothing bad ever happens in the USA or Canada, Great Recessions and their aftermaths notwithstanding,

Why wouldn’t a more conservative investor stick with a bond ladder and call it a day?

For a more conservative individual, that may be a question to really think about -- especially since these calculations only assume fees of 0.5%, which is below the average mutual fund fee. The main drawback of not using stocks is no upside potential.

This retired conservative investor did more than really think about it heading into the Great Recession. As of 2004, I'm done with stocks. Those counting on upside potential from these lofty levels must really believe in never ending exponential growth stories. Good luck on that.

Counting on upside potential in retirement is a bit like counting one's chickens before they hatch. Yeah, call me old school. Not liking the long-term look of the chickens, especially with the Wall Street foxes guarding the hen house.

Have I mentioned lately that my last employer was on the front page of the Wall Street Journal for massive accounting fraud for months on end? Perhaps that affects my ability to trust Corporate America. Just a hunch.

The Power of Obviously

March 31, 2015
Stocks' highs can lead to financial fraud — and mental stress

Obviously, there will come a time when interest rates start to rise.

Since it is obvious to all market participants that long-term rates will go up, then obviously no market participants currently own long-term treasuries. What? You say some market participants do own long-term treasuries? Impossible I say! That's insane!

And, when rates do go up, it will bring another level of risk to investors and savers.

Since it is obvious to all that savers were hurt by falling interest rates, then it must also be obvious to all that savers will be hurt by rising interest rates. Obvious! Savers must be hurt no matter what rates do! That's what makes savers so stupid, obviously.

Investors who decided to avoid the stock market and put money to work in long-term bonds will be in for a shock as rates rise and market values of the debt securities decline.

I will be in for a shock? I just assumed that since I bought long-term bonds with intent to hold to maturity that nothing much would change for me. I could sleep right through it. In fact, I'd sleep even better if rates would rise so that I could reinvest the proceeds on better terms. It would be a pleasant surprise. I also kind of assumed that those who bought stocks on margin might not be nearly as restful as me if such an event played out. Silly me.

How much they decline will be determined by the amount interest rates decline.

Bond values don't decline when interest rates decline. Obviously, he meant to say "interest rates rise" instead. Since he is an "executive editor", I must ask the obvious questions.

1. How many executive editors does it take to spot the error?
2. How much value does an executive editor add over that of a regular editor?
3. Should I trust the financial advice of an executive editor?
4. How about one prone to errors?

I walked into this "fraud" link expecting great things. Obviously, the content did not do the title justice though. Big shocker.

In my opinion, fraud thrives best when things seem obvious but aren't. You know, like house prices are obviously going up so it is obviously impossible to lose money in real estate. That had fraud written all over it.

Theft Needed to Save the World Economy

April 10, 2015
Citi Economist Says It Might Be Time to Abolish Cash

Would this save the world economy?

Absofrickin' lutely! That's what I love most about banking economists. Always looking for new ways to save the world economy from the consumer evil doers!

Why have your money on deposit at a negative rate that reduces your wealth when you can have it in cash and suffer no reduction?

Put another way, how can banks steal a portion of your money if you won't be a willing victim? Oh, the humanity!

Currency use remains high among the poor and some older people. (Buiter suggests that keeping low-denomination cash in circulation — nothing larger than $5 — might solve this.)

This plan has great merit so I say we take it all the way.

War on Cash

We fund special police teams to actively seek out cash hoards using trained cash sniffing dogs. If cash is found they can...

1. Take all the cash.
2. Count the cash.
3. Confiscate 10% of it.
4. Hand remaining cash back to cash hoarding criminal.
5. Repeat until all cash is confiscated.

We already have the infrastructure in place.

April 9, 2015
NYPD DETECTIVE SUSPENDED AFTER VIDEO SHOWS HIM TAKING CASH DURING BROOKLYN DELI RAID

Abdullah says when he saw the video, he called the nearby precinct, who sent a supervisor to the deli to look at it. And when they saw it?

"They said, 'Oh (expletive),'" Abdullah said. "'He's going to lose his pension, lose his life, for $2,600?'"

We don't want anyone to lose their pensions. That's why I say we need to legalize theft now for everyone, for the benefit of everyone. Let's get this law created right this instant. There's no need to wait for congressional signatures when the banks already have robo-signing technology.

"They" Are Out to Get You(r Money)

April 10, 2015
More Americans drink coffee daily than invest in stocks

Young people have the most to gain by investing in stocks since research shows that they the market is likely to rise a lot in the decades before they retire.

They thought they could sneak an extra "they" into that sentence without anyone noticing, but they were wrong.

As for the research that shows the market will be rising a lot before they retire, one wonders if it involves astrology. Predicting the distant future can be very difficult without it.

Speaking of astrology, rumor has it that the Fed will raise interest rates when the stars align. I take that to mean that Tom Cruise must quit the Church of Scientology first, to join Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman. I'm no Jean Dixon, so I shall pass on vaguely trying to time that.

Financial advice and astrology, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Quote of the Day (Musical Tribute)

April 9, 2015
Factories Be Warned: U.S. Wholesalers Face an Inventory Glut

Bloated stocks at wholesalers mean more order books at factories may be a bit leaner, which could leave manufacturing in a funk.

The Pain and Suffering of the First World Consumer Continues

The problems of the third world are widely known, but have you ever taken the time to witness the horrors of the first world? Brace yourself for unimaginable pain and suffering. I must warn you to avert the eyes of your children!

April 9, 2015
What the Apple Watch does best: Make you look good

There’s a reason we don’t wear the same clothes two days in a row...

It takes a lot of effort to keep changing clothes. I hear that.

Too many features that are too hard to find, if you ask me.

I can't tell you how many times my life has been needlessly complicated due to excessive features. Too many! Too hard! Enough said.

There are so many things the watch can do, so many menus and features you must spend time figuring out...

Too many things! Too many menus! Too many features! Too much time spent! That's time we will never get back.

When I ended up at Whole Foods—no phone, no wallet—I bought an iced latte by just tapping my wrist to the reader.

That was such a close call. At Whole Foods with no phone or wallet? Not being able to buy the iced latte? Oh, the humanity!

Actually snapping the sport band’s little clasp to your wrist, however, makes you wish for a third hand.

What? This person went jogging without a personal assistant? Horrifying!

Even getting to the Exercise app is a challenge, it being one of many tiny circular icons on the watch’s app screen that makes me wish my fingers were the size of toothpicks.

Wishes for fingers the size of toothpicks and yet the wish is not granted. I am filled with sadness.

But every time I gaze down to admire it, I start seeing how the next one will look better.

I have the same reaction with our dogs. No matter how much I admire them I can't help but imagine a world with even better dogs in it. Each hair is meticulously trimmed after being soaked in a daily lavender bath, and then once again I return them to the mantle above the fireplace to admire them endlessly. Such is the world of my imaginary taxidermy.

Unlike the Cartier I got for college graduation, the original Apple Watch’s beauty will soon fade.

No amount of tissue can stop my tears. There are some things that when read, cannot be unread. I nervously await this evening, when the nightmares shall begin. :(

Zero Things You Can Do Now to Guarantee Your Future Standard of Living

Since many of the most popular financial "news" articles these days involve lists of things we can or should do, I thought I'd give it a shot.

Enjoy!

This list intentionally left blank.

The optimists will see that nothing needs to be done. Future prosperity is a sure thing no matter what we do!

The pessimists will see that nothing can be done. Future prosperity is an impossible task.

Perfect! My empty list has something for everyone!

I'm not done yet though. I'll need to throw some advertising in to be considered a respected journalist.

Not a problem. Here's an ad from 1971.



Good times.

New York Fed Chief Has Vivid Imagination, Just Like Me!

April 8, 2015
New York Fed chief says June rate hike still in play despite weak first quarter data

“I could imagine circumstances where a June rate hike is still in play."

I too tend to imagine future possibilities.

1. It starts with Watchathon Week.

What’s really staggering is the sheer numbers associated with these binge opportunities. Xfinity said its customers spent about 50 million hours watching during the 2014 seven-day event. Guess cutting the grass will have to wait.

2. Oh, crap. It's spring! I've been neglecting the yard! There goes another week!

3. Brick and mortar retailers are all like, "WTF! Where is everyone? We hired way too many f#%*ing people! Some need to be let go!"

4. Those let go have even more free time to binge watch!

5. Go to step 3 and repeat.

Vivid imaginations, baby. That's what I'm talking about! ;)

(For the record, we shall be binge watching Showtime's Penny Dreadful this year. Free. From the couch.)

IRS Employees Becoming Miserable and Overwhelmed Too

April 8, 2015
An Emotional Audit: IRS Workers Are Miserable and Overwhelmed

Inside the service center, Gaddy, an IRS taxpayer assistance specialist, sits stoically in a beige cubicle marked by an electric sign with a red numeral 5.

One wonders if Gaddy has ever worked 30 hours straight (to get a software project out the door)? Or watched her company be on the front page of the Wall Street Journal for massive accounting fraud? Or survived round after round of layoffs as morale continually declined? Or watched people actually quit in droves because things had to be better elsewhere?

Just curious. If the answers are yes, like mine, then it is never too late to quit and work for Corporate America! Never too late to start fresh!

In all seriousness, just shoot me if I ever find myself trapped in a desk job again. In my opinion, quality of life cannot be found there. It's like a vacuum cleaner of the soul. It just sucks, lol. Sigh.

Compare and Contrast

The Sarcasm Report v.212

April 7, 2015
Who's to Blame for the Oil Price Crash?

When we think of the recent drop in oil prices, the question is not only who started it, but who's responsible for keeping the prices falling.

Yes! I am outraged! Who is responsible for forcing me to pay less than $60 to fill my gas tank? I need a list of names! I have half a mind to write to my congressman!!

I certainly know who I have to thank for the higher oil prices. The Fed wanted excessive risk taking to "drive" up inflation! It even worked for a little while, bless their hearts. Oil was a sure thing they said. Can't lose. Buy heavily leveraged speculative oil plays now or forever be priced out!

No idea what went wrong, again. Everyone "needs" a place to live and everyone "needs" to fill their gas tank. Sure thing housing and oil, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, so who has the rope? Let's lynch these commie Russian bastards driving down the price of our magical economic elixir!! We deserve higher oil prices and by God, we need to do something!!

Uh, oh.

March 31, 2015
NACM: CMI Report for March 2015

The real damage is showing up in the unfavorable categories. By far the most disturbing is the rejection of credit applications as this has fallen from an already weak 48.1 to 42.9. This is credit crunch territory—unseen since the very start of the recession. Suddenly companies are having a very hard time getting credit.

Have no fear!

1. I have been repeatedly assured by financial experts on CNBC that (some) American companies are flush with cash!

2. Consumer confidence is pretty good right now! And surely the highly educated American consumer is fully aware what dangerous levels of debt can do. So if the consumer is optimistic, then I am too!

3. With the stock market at near record levels again, what's the worst that could happen again?

4. Yellen would really like to raise interest rates and get us the f%^* out of ZIRP! Would she really want to do it if the economy wasn't strong and resilient? I think not. I'm sure she would have done it sooner but rumor has it that she really needed to wash her hair first. But once she does, we are definitely next in line for a good time.

Dancing, romancing, and getting lucky, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Well, once she's finished washing her hair, of course. Six years might seem like a long time, but she did say that patience is no longer needed. I am therefore filled with enthusiastic optimism about the future! Well, mostly anyway. Technically speaking, there could be six more years of hair drying. She can be such a tease!

IBM Spends Shareholder Money to Defend Itself Against Shareholders

April 3, 2015
Exclusive: IBM hire advisers to deal with restless investors - sources

International Business Machines Corp (IBM.N) is concerned about a possible attack by prominent activist hedge funds, and is working with two investment banks to formulate a defense plan, according to the people, who declined to be identified.

Shareholders concerned about "11 straight quarters of falling revenues" can sleep well knowing that the company is doing all it can to address those concerns. Or as I like to call it: When hiring one investment bank just isn't enough!

Value added, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

The Crock of $#@% Report v.005

Who knew this was crock of $#@% Friday? Two reports on the same day? What can it mean?

April 3, 2015
Three cheers for Washington

But compare us, and your own circumstances I hope, to the state of other countries and citizens around the world.

My life is better than the life of a Chinese factory worker! I'm also doing better than many in Syria and the Ukraine! Woohoo! Thanks Washington!

Or compare the U.S. now to the 1930s.

The U.S. does seem to be doing a bit better than it was during the Great Depression! Only 46 million or so on food stamps! What lofty goals we set for ourselves! Thanks Washington!

On an absolute basis, things are never good enough. On a relative basis, things aren’t so bad.

On an absolute basis, a crock of $#@% never makes a tasty meal. On a relative basis, a crock of $#@% can make a very tasty meal! Just need to find the right thing to compare it against.

See? Things aren't so bad! Three whacks for Washington!

Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

My Nomination for Injustice Quote of the Century

I know the century is just getting started but...

April 3, 2015
The Biggest Outrage in Atlanta’s Crazy Teacher Cheating

Teachers ordered to falsify tests and the superiors who demanded it, amid desperation to save schools from destruction, deserve no mercy from the court. Bankers who ran a criminal enterprise to engage in the largest consumer and investing fraud in world history deserve our thanks.

Dare you to read the whole article without feeling outraged.

The Crock of $#@% Report v.004

Brace yourself for this report. It's a doozy! If you are like me, you'll want to use some hand sanitizer just reading the digital copy of this one. That's how dirty you will feel. Not too late to turn back! This is your only warning!!

April 3, 2015
Stock Futures Point to Rough Ride for U.S. Equities on Jobs Data

Fed Chair Janet Yellen said in a speech in San Francisco on March 27 that “it is appropriate for monetary policy to remain accommodative for some time,” and that after an initial increase in rates this year, officials won’t follow “any predetermined course of tightening.”

I refer you to the part in red. You will note that it is not a direct quote of what Yellen said. It's not even close. This is what she actually said.

March 27, 2015
YELLEN: There's a good chance we're going to raise rates this year

With continued improvement in economic conditions, an increase in the target range for that rate may well be warranted later this year.

For those who need help deciphering and parsing that sentence please accept my help.

1. It *may* well be warranted for the Fed to raise rates this year.

2. But only *with* continued improvement in economic conditions.

3. And even then, it may not be warranted. Who can say for sure?

Who thinks Yellen is happy with today's feeble employment report? Think it can turn a "may" into a sure thing?

Why do I even bother to read business news? Don't answer. It's a rhetorical question. I do it for the crock of $#@% reports of course. Keeps me busy. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

The Sarcasm Report v.211

April 2, 2015
Will the Stock Market Correct or Completely Collapse in 2015?

Over the last 90 years, the stock market has on average returned 7% annualized gains.

Over the last 65 years, the total debt in the system has on average grown 8% per year. What was once just $398 billion in 1949 has mushroomed to $58.7 trillion today.

Obviously not all years will have a positive gain, but when averaged over many years, it is reasonable to expect an annual return of 7% from the stock market.

Obviously not all years will have a positive gain, but when averaged over many years, it is reasonable to expect 8% growth in the debt markets. Doesn't even matter what wages do!

I do so love the rear view mirror. Makes predicting the future so much easier! Just stay off the sidewalks when I'm driving, especially near roads which curve.

This concludes the sarcasm report, for those times when crock of $#@% reports are overkill. ;)

Why Do Investors Around the World Keep Buying Our $#@%?

Investors around the world continue to purchase our $#@% despite the warnings that our $#@% is overpriced, and must therefore fall.

Just look at all the $#@% they buy. Our bonds? Our stocks? Our real estate? Our crops? It makes no sense. Why do they keep buying all that $#@%? There must be some rational explanation, especially after all the warnings we've given them.

Out of curiosity, are we running a massive trade deficit? I mean, I suppose if we just kept shipping dollars overseas then some of those dollars might come back to us. You know, to buy our $#@%. Never mind. That's just a crazy theory. This is America. As manufacturer to the world, we don't run massive trade deficits.

April 2, 2015
Treasury yields fall below 2 percent

Investors around the world continue to purchase safe haven Treasurys despite the warnings of rising rates.

Disclosure: Buyer and holder of US long-term government bond $#@% since 2000, and proud of it. Love that Made in USA label.

In all seriousness, nearly my entire nest egg sits in government bond $#@%. No joke. No regrets. Not a believer in future prosperity theories I guess, nor do I believe making money off of money will be getting any easier as time goes on. Put another way, I believe our country is on a $%@%ty long-term path.

Best April Fool's Day Prank Ever!

April 1, 2011
FTSE today: market report - as it happened April 1, 2011

In the US, Minneapolis Fed President Narayana Kocherlakota told the Wall Street Journal on Thursday that the Fed could raise rates by the end of 2011, far sooner than expected by financial markets. Most analysts do not expect rate hikes until the second half of 2012.

That Narayana, what a prankster!

Today Only: Buy One Spaghetti Tree, Get One Free

In order to address the growing spaghetti tree glut in Ticino, I have been authorized to offer my loyal readers special savings. If you order one spaghetti tree at the low price of $19.99 today, we will ship you a second spaghetti tree absolutely free. Just pay separate processing and handling.

Limit 10 free trees per household. Ask about free shipping on bulk orders.

Oh, and just one more thing. Happy April Fool's Day! :)