The Sarcasm Report v.241

September 13, 2015
How can you make early retirement happen?

First, the bad news for those who wish to retire just one year early.

Given that retiring early can be very expensive, David Blanchett, head of retirement research at Morningstar Investment in Chicago, recommends delaying your retire-early plan by at least one year.

Ouch. Now, the bad news for everyone else.

Others also suggest contemplating and planning for all that could wrong.

All that could wrong? Seriously? Well, okay, I'll make an attempt to contemplate all that could *go* wrong. Maybe that's good enough.

You walk into your boss's office and submit your "burning bridges" letter. He accepts your resignation and informs you of the accounting scandal, and since your entire 401k was invested in "cheap" company stock your retirement plan has been completely wiped out.

You pack up your things and head to the parking lot. Your car is not where you left it. It's currently moving at 110 mph down the interstate followed closely by six police cars, two of which are unmarked. Turns out that your wife was secretly really into the drug trade. Who knew?

You walk to the bus stop. Hey, a bit of good luck. The bus waiting is the one on your home's route. Upon entering, you notice that nearly everyone has their hands up. There's a man in a hood collecting wallets and purses. Not to feel left out, you comply. After several more hours talking to the police you are on your way home.

Upon arriving, you see your house in flames. The fire department is attempting to salvage what they can, but let's face it, it's just not your day. Only your mailbox survived, miraculously sheltered from the harsh environment.

Oh, look! You've got tons of mail! Hurray! Shall we start with the letter from your insurance company explaining that your policy has been cancelled due to lack of payment? How about the letter from a law firm you've never heard of? Perhaps the thick letter from the IRS? What could they want? How about that hand written letter from your oncologist? Decisions, decisions.

A pack of wild dogs appears. You are on the run now. You hoof it to the nearest convenience store to escape. Everyone inside is currently engaged in a heated discussion about the breaking news story. There's been a worldwide epidemic. People are apparently being told to stay indoors and avoid contact with others. That's when the military tanks appear. Why do they have red stars? There's quite a bit of shooting in the distance. The noise seems to be rapidly getting closer. It's time to act! Survival is paramount!

All is not lost. There is still one box of Twinkies left on the shelf. You make eye contact with the only other person who sees it. He's 6' 6", muscular, and armed with what looks like an AK-47. Russian? He's about 3 feet closer to the box than you but you've got something he doesn't. Hunger and a 'tude.

That's right... boss fight!

You have been promoted to level 2 retirement contemplator and planner! Congratulations!! You may allocate three points to your attributes and you have acquired a special skill.

To be continued...