The Crock of $#@% Report v.012

June 29, 2015
Gold misunderstood as an asset: Pro

The Most Misunderstood Assets

1. Oxygen. There's normally so much of it that we don't even give it a second thought. A guy once tried to sell me some once. I laughed right in his face! A few minutes later I ended up paying him $200 for some. I misunderstood both his conviction as a salesman and his previous convictions as a mugger. I have to tell you that the combination of that and a certain toilet in the men's restroom truly made a believer in me. Oxygen is a very valuable asset. And here's the crazy part. The longer you go without it, the more valuable it becomes!

2. Gold. I once bought a lot of this other element from the periodic table to protect me in case the price of jewelry skyrockets. The investment seemed so straightforward and simple. Buy the metal that goes in jewelry. Little paperwork. Few promises that could be broken. What could possibly go wrong? The guy who sold it to me warned me to be really careful on my way home though. I thought he meant that undesirable types would try to steal it from me. In hindsight, I simply misunderstood his warning. Turns out that gold is extremely heavy and the first speed bump cracked my car's axle. In hindsight, I was partially right about the warning. The undesirables eventually came to strip my car. The gold was just a bonus for them though. They originally just wanted the stereo and the tires.

3. Real estate. Funny story. My real estate agent warned me that the property would go to waste if I didn't buy all of it. Like a fool, I only bought half. A waste management company bought the other half later that year. I sure misunderstood both the warning and the consequences of that decision! Was the stinkiest investment ever!!

4. Bonds. I bought the very cheapest I could find. The guy who sold them to me was a junk dealer and I do love to salvage a good bargain. Hahaha! He told me to be careful. Said those high returns are also highly speculative. I misunderstood the risks. Turns out that junk bonds, unlike salvageable junk, can actually end up being worth next to nothing, especially when they start defaulting on the interest payments. Who knew?

5. Stocks. I bought a stock on the advice of a friend's friend who claimed to know something. After staring at the stock chart for a few minutes and seeing what looked to be the biggest sure thing since the invention of sliced bread, I invested the remainder of my life savings in it. In hindsight, I sure misunderstood that one. Oh, sure. Perhaps I could have read all the financial reports and noticed a few of the accounting irregularities, but it's all so complicated. This was a respectable power company. Who would suspect that there could be a problem at Enron?

6. Dollars. Since all of my other assets performed so poorly, I opted to bury the rest of my assets in a state park. They'll always be there when I need them. There is one thing that concerns me a bit though. It's more than a bit hot here in the Pacific Northwest this year. Everyone always like to talk about how their investments are on fire. That's a good thing. Right? I sure hope I didn't misunderstand the ultimate goal. I'm really not looking forward to getting burned again.

7. Myself. Some argue that an investment in yourself is the best investment you could ever make. That's why I bought a lifetime subscription to cheesecake of the month. I figure it will be the gift that just keeps on giving! Can't wait for that investment to pay off! I will definitely grow. I have no doubts about that. ;)