How to Ensure You Don't Lose Money This Month

April 4, 2016
MarketWatch: How 8% of investors lost money last month

Well, you just knew I'd have to click on that link. So curious!

What did the losers all have in common? Cash — twice as much allocated to cash (11% vs. 22%) than the winners.

They lost money because they had money? What?

People, you need to take better care of your cash! I highly recommend investing in a large rubber band. You'll thank me later!

wikiHow: How to Create a Gangster Bankroll

Wrap your thick rubber band around your folded money. You may need to twist the rubber band around your bankroll a few times to make sure it's held together tightly. You don't want any loose money to fall out when you take out your bankroll.

In other news, I just heard that a man down the street lost a cheeseburger because, you guessed it, he had three cheeseburgers but only two hands. Why, oh why, didn't he invest in a paper bag? Some people never learn!

Speaking of never learning, why can't I resist click bait? Lost money by having money? And I'm expected to have an epiphany over this? Forehead. Desk. Whack. Whack. Whack.

In all seriousness, the investors who lost money last month didn't lose it because their cash positions were too high. They lost it because their non-cash investments did poorly. They should be thankful that they didn't invest even more of their cash in them. Duh!