Mangus Beef

May 18, 2016
USA Today: Non-GMO demand growing despite report that says GMOs are safe

Research may prove genetically modified organisms are safe to eat, but the swelling trend toward non-GMO foods shows that many skeptical shoppers don't care.

Now that research may have magically proven that all genetically modified organisms that have existed and will exist in the future are always safe to eat, I want to tell you about the exciting new research this blogger's been working on in his secret laboratory.

Mangus Beef FAQ

What is it? First, we started with ordinary Angus Beef. For some reason, people seem to love it. We then genetically modified it based on DNA material we secretly extracted from the foot soldier formerly known as Private Gus. This allows the beef to stand on two legs, gives them opposable thumbs, and allows them the use of rocket-propelled grenades and automatic weapons. By doing this, our new Mangus Beef creations can fully protect themselves from all predators, looters, drones, tanks, and/or evil-doers. This represents a huge cost savings for us. Our laboratory no longer requires expensive fences, checkpoints, or security personnel. Mangus Beef protect their territory with great enthusiasm.

What do Mangus Beef eat? This is a premium product and therefore only eats the best genetically modified corn. By combining the natural great taste of sweet yellow corn with the protective qualities of hemlock, nuisance pests are virtually eliminated. Only Mangus Beef are able to survive the ingestion process. Granted, not all Mangus Beef survive, just the strongest and healthiest.

What do we do with the Mangus Beef that do not survive? Do we simply dispose of them? Heavens no. Nothing goes to waste at our facilities. Shareholders can rest easy knowing that any sickly or dying Mangus Beef are simply fed to our remaining strong and healthy Mangus Beef.

What about the news of Mad Mangus Beef Disease? These news stories are completely fictitious. We deny any and all wrong doing. We continue to vigorously defend ourselves in the court of law against these slanderous and libelous accusations.

Mangus Beef. Proven 100% safe by USA Today, based on the conclusions of some scientists. It's what's for dinner.

In all seriousness, I eat genetically modified foods. That said, I'm 51, have no children, and realize that in the grand scheme of things, the human race will probably not survive forever anyway. The universe can be an unforgiving place. Unfortunately, history shows that humans are prone to make mistakes.