Wednesday, July 1, 2015

The Sarcasm Report v.215

July 1, 2015
How to Prepare for the Next Market Meltdown

I remember thinking at the time, credit swaps, sure; emerging markets, yeah, I could see that; hedge funds, definitely. But inflated housing prices and problematic mortgages bringing the U.S. and global markets to their knees? It seems obvious today with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. But before the financial crisis, it seemed rather far-fetched.

Awesome. I definitely want advice about market meltdown preparation from a guy who thought the last market meltdown was far-fetched. Fool him once, shame on me. Fool him twice, shame on him.

Rather, all you have to do is assure you have your savings invested in a mix of stocks and bonds you would be equally comfortable sticking with if the market continues to make it to higher ground—or gets whacked for a sizable loss from a development everyone anticipates or from a shock that comes completely out of the blue.

So let me get this straight. All I have to do is stay invested in a mix of stocks and bonds in order to protect myself against a potential meltdown in stocks and bonds? Frickin' fantastic! I never thought it would be that easy. Why stop there though? I'm going to apply the spirit of this advice to the rest of my disaster preparations.

There are a lot of nuclear weapons in the world. Hindsight may show that it would have been a good idea to build a bunker. However, I don't think it really needs to be underground. I'm thinking it just needs to be a smaller version of my existing house, a guest cottage if you will. Yes. I think that would work great. That way friends and family could stay in it when the disaster hits.

While I am at it, I think I should stock up on some water reserves in case it really hits the fan. That's why I am going to build a pool next to the guest cottage. People will need a place to sit so some outdoor furniture might be nice. And let's not forget the BBQ grill on its very own granite countertop! And a poolside fridge! You know, to store food and drinks for the coming apocalypse! Woohoo!

The only real question left is where to put the outdoor amphitheater so that I can show apocalypse movies such as 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, and Deep Impact. That is a must have. It will set the mood and get people thinking about making their own preparations for the next meltdown. It might require a lot of power to do it right so I may need to contact the power company about expanding my service. I better act fast though. It will be harder to get them to do it once the disaster hits. They'll probably be too busy working on downed power lines.

How am I going to pay for my "man cave" bunker? Glad you asked! I am going to mortgage the hell out of my house thanks to these near record low interest rates! What's the worst that could happen? Again?

Disaster preparation, baby. That's what I'm talking about.


Mr Slippery said...

The gist I got from the article is:

"You are going to lose money, so buy stocks and bonds you are comfortable holding while you lose money. Take the Vanguard questionnaire to find out how much money you are comfortable losing, then brace for losing it, because you are going to lose it. Loser."

From the perspective of the author, there are exactly two investments in the world: stocks and bonds. You can't even hold cash.

Maybe he is writing under a pseudonym, because Walter Up-de-grave sounds suspicious, like Burt Killdamoney.

Stagflationary Mark said...

Mr Slippery,

Deep down, I must be an optimist. When I saw that there was a comment, I raced to see it, much like a child would rush to see what Santa had left.

It did not disappoint! Christmas in July! Woohoo! Hahaha! :)

dd said...

What an idiot! It was the credit default swaps on the fraudulent CDOs (also a derivative) that melted down (think AIG) along with the hedge funds inside Bear Stearns not to mention securitizations of "subprime" aka never gonna be able to pay this loan. Housing just happened to be the vehicle. Gee whiz I wonder where all the innovations is now? Subprime car loans, subprime student loans, subprime capital "relief" trades (CRT just a dandified CDS is the next meltdown trigger).

Stagflationary Mark said...


The Onion: Newlywed Couple Looks So Deeply In Debt was clear to everyone at the extravagant wedding reception that the couple would be very much in the red for years and years.